Journal entry #14
(Forgiveness)

To the girl I use to be....

I forgive you.

We all in some point in our lives, fall in love with an *******, who wouldn't know a good thing if it slapped them clean across the face.

It wasen't your fault.

You did what you were suppose to.

You loved him with your whole heart.

And it wasn't your fault he was never deserving.

Go ahead..
Go live your beautiful life.

You got this.

As I drive home winter still falling and still heavy all around me.
I'm calm, collected, and happy.

I know there will be silence after I've greeted my whining dog so happy I made it home.

I'll watch a movie same as always.
Not boring at all.
I'll prepare a meal and eat happily alone.

A hot bath will come next.
Lined with candles and bubbles that last.
The smell of lavender will fill my nose and my eyes will soon close.
I'll indulge in the hot steaming water letting all my worries fade away.

Because after a long day whose to say being alone wasen't just what you needed.

You breath in
And wonder why
But the question dosent stop there
It gos on to how
When and were
You look back and realize
What a mess your really in
You take a deep breath
And thro your self on the floor
Trying to look for a way out
But there isent one
Because you were thron into this
So now the q is why r u so restricted
If it wasen your fault to begin with
And you keep on going tryen to be normal
For the sake of evry one around
But thin one day
You just give up
And don't know what to do anymore

Why are some days harder than others.
Why is it that today of all days it got a little harder?
Why of all days did I think about you and cry a little harder?

Maybe it's because I finally see you for who you really are.
Maybe its because I finally realize everything you said, did and felt was an out right absolute lie.
Maybe its because I finally realized no matter what moments we had shared together and no matter how special I thought they were...they actually weren't...

If you asked me what killed me more... I wouldn't have an answer.

How the **** do you tell yourself it wasen't real?
How do you tell your heart..
It was all a lie?
The love was all just onesided?
How do you tell yourself you have to forget?
You have to move on?
That even though your heart might be breaking....
His isn't...


Love has cursed me...
And so have you.

I'm glad you can walk this earth without feeling anything.
Never loving anyone.
Never feeling the excruciating pain of a broken heart.
The kind that  paralyzes you.
The kind that leaves a permanent mark on your heart.

I ******* hate it.

This **** got me feeling some type of way...
And I felt compelled to say..
Swallow my thoughts..
******* words..
And if it's too nasty spit it back at me..
I want you to feel just how I feel..
I want you to know...
That if you let me...
You sure as hell wont regret me...
****, if you let me...
You'll never forget me...
Please don't act like you know me..
All you know is word of mouth...
That doesn't mean you know me...
All that means...
Is you know someones ****** up portrayal of me...


I feel like I'm on stage...
Performing in front of a bunch of clowns...
Talking a bunch of ****..
Cuz you've got me all wrong...
I'm aint no clown...
I know my name's getting tossed around...
My personal business is just in everyone's ears...

And At this point...
I'm just above all this ****..
My head is in the clouds...
I've been through it all...
31 years young and I've been through it all...
The fails, the falls...
Are you surprised??
I'm like Niagara...
look closely...
I got right back up like ******...
I'm still standing...

So, Stop trying to shoot me down..

How could you ever really know my story?
You've never been in my shoes...
Don't you know no one alive can always be an angel?
When everything goes wrong....
You see some bad...
I'm honestly just a soul whose intentions are good...

So go ahead...
Love me or hate me...
I swear it won't make or break me...
You have no idea where my head was in that battle...
I was just trying to stay ahead of my shadow...

Truth is...
I lost everything, but I ain't the only one...
Don't care what you try and say...
That's life...
That's just how the **** it goes...
I knocked, and hope wasen't there...
Love was gone but maybe it was never there...

So, who the hell are you to judge?
Didn't you know...
First came the hurricane, then the morning sun?

But its cool now, its fine...
I'm no longer angry...
I'm no longer floating like a boat without a paddle...
I'm just cool like LA nights...
Speaking nothing but truth to you,
high as a kite...

Why is that one day I want to hate you so much...
But then I find myself thinking about you and realize that could never be true..

Why did you have to be so cruel?
Why did you have to lie about everything?
Did you really think I'd never figure everything out?
Was nothing between us real...


Why couldn't you just love me?
Why couldn't you be the man I believed you could be?
Have you really no heart?
Have you really no realness to you?
Or will you always be out there with ulterior motives?

I can only pray that one day you realize the depth of my love and how real it was.
Despite your lies..
Despite your actions..
Despite your other plans that never included me..

I only wanted to be apart of your life..
The light in your life...
But you never gave me that chance...
Or perhaps as I've thought about it..
Maybe it wasen't up to chances because as it were...
I was never one...

Maybe you'll find someone you actually love someday..
And I hope you choose her and keep choosing her until your final breath on this earth...
That's love..
And That's how I felt about you...
It was always you I chose...