yep
team meeting
they can’t see me
but I can hear and see them
bored as…

I know they will see the analytics and
will know I was bored
disengaged
looking at other **** on the ‘net
bored as...

I know it is their first web meeting
but hell they are bad,
just talk people as if we were in the room with you
make it real please
bored as…

If they asked me what I thought?
will I tell them I wrote this?
bored as….

#thisjourneyofdays

self dug potholes
tiptoeing around myself
personal ambush

#thisjourneyofdays

Find me
Take my six
Turn me around
Tell me straight
Stare me down
Stand with me
Hold me
Breathe for me
Love me
Fight for me

#thisjourneyofdays

These were never an option
never going to happen
we cannot change the past
why do I entertain the possibilities of what if?


Tempting me with an alternative
alternative what?
outcome…
was that alternative there when I was living the moment?
no..
what if ...dancing across my…


What if I…
said
walked
hit back
shook it off
didn’t buy into the lie


Following the path of
What if…
working through the flow
of choices
branches of
paths that will never be
can never be


What if is a...
madness
trapping me…
in the past
in a falsehood
in a maze with no exit
an infinite fallout
a theory of string


What if…
never was …never will

#thisjourneyofdays

don’t leave my side
finding this really hard...the being social thing
I know, I know, I was fun..before
talking is hard, they look at me differently, they can see the the
damage
they will s-stare at the the wounds

don’t leave my side
smell the fear...****, I can smell it
I know, I know, these people are friends
being someone is hard, they look at me differently, they can see the the
damage
they will s-stare at the the wounds

don’t leave my side
spinning, the room is spinning
I know, I know, ...keep it light, chat, smile
happy faces is hard, they look at me differently, they can see the the
damage
they will s-stare at the the wounds

don’t leave my side
please
please
just h-hold my hand

#thisjourneyofdays

Trusting ...
you
me
in face value
you are not my past experience
I  will not over analyse
this is new ground is stable
my balance


this new for me
It has been a long time
back  me

#thisjourneyofdays

so you think you know me?
there are parts of me that even after all this time, i keep
not forgotten over this journey of days
tucked away, sometimes woven into the fabric of emotion and choices
never more important than now
in this struggle to get back
to find me, the whole of me

put it behind me? that’s your advice?
it is still my reality, it isn’t going anywhere


you really want to know me?
are you ready to see it all?
do you think you can deal
as the parts become unhinged and fall off
as i show you the parts of me you have never seen
the raw, the angry, the parts that make no sense
are you ready for that?

put it behind me? that’s your advice?
it is still my reality, it isn’t going anywhere


do you really want use the lens that filters the way i see the world now?
i think you should
then you will never say
put it behind you
you will honour this reality
holding my hand, holding the pen

know me

#thisjourneyofdays

meditate - ink -  pray
keeps me from
drink - cry - coma

think - draw - breathe
helps with
process - know - conquer


punch  - walk - yell
guards me from
fear - hate - intemperance

write - write - write
saves me from
myself


#thisjourneyofdays

What if you never…
went skiing
...with that girl
broke your toe
missed your gig

What if I never…
just turned up
played your gig
came back the next week

we would never be….

#thisjourneyofdays

study of shape
of form
terrain
seeing evolution embedded in my landscape

natural formations of life events
the destructive force of hate and man made dramas
assessing the impact on orbits
hurtling off course

map of features
trying to make sense of what happened
seeking the why
a topography of trauma

#thisjourneyofdays

this analogous dance step we have happening
looks beautiful from above
we dip, parry, swirl and turn
creating marbled patterns across the battered and weathered landscape of other people’s lives

a progression for two voices
written together, but, we'll never meet
the same tonic
do you sing your part or play
I play, the other to create the chord,
a harmony, not seeing the instruments each other plays

we could be friends you know
share our story, the ones that looks so alike
at best we simply yell across the divide
warning each other about the things that are thrown at us from the sides
events and types that divert our paths and cause us to dance our river, cutting through the dirt

the bomb that went off in my life is coming to you next
you can see it from where you stand
helpless to stop it, unable to run ahead, we know it is going to hit….now
I feel your pain, understand, riding the the shockwaves tumbling through the aftermath
just like you did for me last week.

lives in parallel
destined never to meet
observing each across a plane
knowing the path each other treads
destined never to meet

@thisjourneyofdays

my merry-go-round in space recklessly spinning and dipping generating an impending doom
building it’s cyclical appointment with a crash
it ***** at the air
look to the horizon! God! I feel sick
think... think... need to get off
leave this crushing fatigue
but it won’t let me sleep.

#thisjourneyofdays

vacuum of light
a dark so still it has no sound
profound dark
deep time
breathe
slow now
there is no linear logic to this
deep time
in saecula saeculorum

unregulated yet ordered
power prevailing and insinuating into all
forming intimate unions across boundaries that make our reason
breathe
slow now
there is no physical logic to this
it is
deep time
in saecula saeculorum

draws on the eternal
it has a future
impacts on now
a brain cannot fathom
the past is still to come
breathe
slow now
there is no epochal logic to this
it is
deep time
in saecula saeculorum

energy
it moves through and within
whispering around the edges of the quiet mind
enfolded
in those spaces between thoughts
breathe
slow now
there is divine logic
immerse
in this
deep time
in saecula saeculorum


#thisjourneyofdays

crystalline eternal facade
forever
clean and bright
radiant
pure

did you not hear the silence as you approached
overcome with reverence and awed by the light?

siren’s call
drier than barren
caustic
deadly

did you not hear the silence as you approached
overcome with reverence and awed by the light?


the crust won’t hold your weight
reality breaks you will be sinking into the mire of
lies and confusion
stink of rot...decay smothering your
life
person
essence
soul

did you not hear the silence as you approached
overcome with reverence and awed by the light?

the mire is real
a salt pan of false purity
created at the cost of the lives
the rot below the surface
there is a reason that nature expires before the void

heed the silence
kneel not to these false gods
they will **** you.

#thisjourneyofdays

overanalyse  the
scene
words
body language

inferring meaning from a
look
sigh
expression

seeing something that isn’t there
never was
fabricated from a shadow
... you think you saw.

sitting where you can see the
whole room
exits
main door


It is just a ****** work meeting
in an office
get a grip girl.

Can you think too much?

#thisjourneyofdays

breathe and hold


no ...sound ...clicks….roar
eye of storm
cool of dawn
moonless night
deep quiet
eternity in a moment
savouring this space between thoughts

release and reengage

#thisjourneyofdays

to live this moment over what would I do differently?
would it make a difference to the outcome
would you be less ******
would I have kept my mind
would we be bounced along a slightly different path but would up here anyway?

can I do this moment over again?
say it differently and emphasised more ...or less
not reacted ...or perhaps exploded
would the outcome have been different?

if we lived this moment over.....
would you be less ******
would I have kept my mind
would we be bounced along a slightly different path but would up here anyway?

can I do this moment over again?
if I had never said ....or said I something more
been numb. ...or felt something more
would the outcome have been different?

is the trap of fate real
we can't really escape
the alternate path would bring us to this point because....
that's the point
there is only one moment in time
it was always going to happen this way.

#thisjourneyofdays

and so we get to start again
get it right this time?
ignore the past
but learn from it too?
no wonder I am so confused.

#thisjourneyofdays

darkness is making me sick
keeping me ill

keeping me tied to ..
shackled to shadow...to anger and injury

smoky tendrils keep me in a half life of tears, regrets, pain

trapping me in memories I cannot flee

darkness is keeping me sick

#thisjourneyofdays


breathe one
calm and centre
breathe two
lift head, a smile
breathe three
nod in acknowledgement
breathe four
what’s his name again?
breathe five ...
speak social niceties
breath six...breathe seven
this was a mistake
breathe eight
leaving
breathe nine ….breathe ten
will try again…
later
#thisjourneyofdays

possibly
maybe
will think about it
we’ll see
i’ll see
hmmm
for God’s sake - just say NO

#thisjourneyofdays

did I need to know why?

would knowing have helped me make sense of the trauma, the chaos?

deceived by those dressed in light pretending to be…

videri quam esse

the falsehood of your being…

my lesson humility

crushed and battered

shredded life and spirit

I am nothing

now I know why…

#thisjourneyofdays

so we have not spoken, in what? four years?
seen each other
danced around the awkward physical proximity
you have never been encouraged
to speak to me
enter into my space
engage in anyway

so why smile at me now?
why move
towards me
into my space
and be surprised by the lack of warmth ?

you are more ******* deluded than ...

#thisjourneyofdays

When you promised
For better, for worse...in sickness and in health
Did you ever  think worse and sickness would look like this?

Incapacitated by nothing
No obvious illness
No missing limbs
An injury unseen
Just a ****** up mind
And floods of tears

Are you still in? You know for the lifetime clause?
I'm not ready to depart yet
Love me
Fight for me

#thisjourneyofdays

you never had permission
a false authority
fidelity? are you serious?
I owe you nothing
not the spit from my rage nor the dust from my shoes
you have overreached

#thisjourneyofdays

from a wandering sleep it will rest my brain
centres and fires up my heart
gentle
soft
meaning something ... only to us
marking me as yours
private moment and public declaration
our farewell morning kiss

#thisjourneyofdays

throbbing cancer of darkness
shaken from its seat in my heart and head

hate ends now
there is no place for you here
you deceived me with your promise of justice
your form made me sick

go
leave this place
you no longer have harbour here

#thisjourneyofdays

watch each thread of my life, work, reputation, identity
being severed  by hate and power
...some snapping back to strike my face and lash at my ribs
gashes across my heart and side
...others withering, fraying, disintegrating as if they never were

destroying meaning
destroying me
untethered ..unhinged...flung..hurtling...crashing into despair

into humiliation

#thisjourneyofdays

have you never made a wrong decision?
opened yourself up to possibility?
embraced an uncertain future?
not questioned the jump?

take my hand
breathe in this moment
....can you risk failing and falling with me?

#thisjourneyofdays

where have I been?
an alternate world
there but not here
here but not here

trying to make order of the chaos in my head...to control my heart’s erratic beat
sweating through replays
struggling with what if
seeking the reason why...but coming up empty ..except for self loathing for the lack of clarity

whirling around in a life ******* spiral of confusion and pain
emotionally and spiritually wrecked

I have nothing left to fight with
I am done being sick

#thisjourneyofdays

deep pain in my head and body
this throbbing cancer that wants to take me with it into oblivion

scratching my eyes
shredding my brain
stealing my mind
….not wanting to let me go

the roots poisoned by light are shaken loose and tearing away from my body…

excruciating pain ... penance this salve for the spiritual pain with a physical form

#thisjourneyofdays