The yellow aura
spiraled my night elf hunter avatar
as the DUN-DUMM
of false accommplishment
incited my addiction to
instant gratification.

I had just Leveled up.

The quest giver
gave me a choice

****** boots
Or
a less ****** Dagger

I took the ****** boots
because
**** the system
they looked cooler.

I was going to stomp cave spiders anyway,
what's the point of relinquishing
looking **** fine.
for an extra Attack Point?

****** Boots.

****** boots ALL Day long.

A naked human avatar
dances
facing a naked gnome
Named: "Buzz Lightyear"
He is Also dancing,
at crotch height.

This is Typical starting zone
foolery

I stayed up
watching Toonami all night
Naruto, Bleech, Inuyasha.
I could tell the sun came up
not because there was a window in my Kitchen,
there wasn't.

Tom and Jerry came on.
everyone knows
when Tom and Jerry came on
you were no longer pulling an
"all nighter."
You're pulling a
"Drink enough Soda
to get through the rest
of the day-er"

My entire diet
these past two days
has consisted of Gushers & Vault
because
Clearly Coca-Cola is superior
to Pepsi.

Therefore, Vault
was superior to Mountain Dew.
Which is the typical choice drink
of my internet brethren.

I don't know why I dyed my hair black nobody online could see it
But it made me feel
more
like my Night Elf Avatar

I wanted long white hair
I realized that's impossible
in 6th grade
So I Bought & Settled for Black
At least I could be like
"L" from death note,
Long sleeve white shirt, jeans
with no shoes.

I could also be
any other black-haired charecter
From any other angsty Anime
Because of course I loved angsty Anime
Because I held my cell phone like "L"
From Death Note.

I always dreamed
of this singing venus fly trap.

A Fuzzy Memory with a lost Origin
I realized seven years later
the Singing venus flytrap in my head
was AUDREY 2
from Little Shop Of Horrors.

Netflix reunited us in College
Audrey 2 finally Serenaded Me.
I listened with Voyeuristic Intentions
As memory saprilings grew
into the full songs
relieving the void in my soul
Lingering for a Man to be attacked
by a singing venus fly trap
in his own kitchen.

But only once,
Because I firmly beleived
movies should only be seen once
until I stopped
dyeing my hair black.
Despite watching Space jam
more times than any kid born in 1995 Should have
but still
all the kids born in 1995
watched space jam
more than any of them should have
because they were born in 1995.

Apparently
when I first saw little shop of horrors
it aired just before osmosis jones.

I love osmosis jones
almost as much as I love
Buzz lightyear, of Star Command

Buzz lightyears robot companion XR
reminded me of Cyberchase
and to this day Cyberchase
is the best show to watch
when you have no idea
who Gilbert Godfrey is.

Zoombinis is better
than oregon trail.
and also better
than Tom and Jerry.
but not better
than leveling my night elf Hunter.
Named:
"FEED ME A PIZZA!"

I think I spent more time
getting my Zoombinis
to look just right
then I Spent deciding
what outfit to wear

Routine
Black striped Hoodie
Unwashed and worn every day
Grey skulls all over it, because
of course it had grey skulls all over it.
Black pants.
Black socks
No actually, THESE black socks.
Okay, got gushers
and my Coca-Cola.

I now take as much time
to choose my outfit as
designing the perfect Zoombini.
however I have yet to replace
my legs
With
a skateboard.

I think that every grade before sixth grade is fourth grade
and 6th grade is basically 7th grade
which is to say my memory skips them both
to remember ending eighth grade

I miss being cool on the Internet
Whilst lame and forgotten in real life.

like black sock
wasn't quite as good
as that other Black sock.

I wanna go back.
To the seperation
Of who we pretend to be
Vs. who we actually are.
To be dramatic again.
incomparable.

An ideal self on the internet
Who is obviouslly not the real you
is decades more comforting
than Some Characatureized
Facebook Profile.

Today I was offered a choice

Work A minimum wage job
or
continue my useless college degree.

I decided to write a poem, because
**** the system.
If I am to Decide where to respawn from
Let it be poetry.

There is no spiraling Yellow aura
or DUN-DUMM

Sometimes there is snapping though.
Or a lost memory
of A singing venus Fly Trap.

I am a pretend person.
An avatar
just now, I have skin.
You can touch me
I breath without a Macro
or even pressing any keys.

I cannot bring myself to
Watch Space Jam again.
I can Identify Gilbert Godfrey's voice.
I will buy my children zoombinis
And it will collect dust
When all they want
Is to watch the fifth Toy Story movie
Way more than any kid born in 2020 should.
And all the kids born in 2020
Will Watch the fifth Toy Story Movie
Way more than they should
because they
will have been born
in 2020.

And I will rant
about the Missing LGM
and Warp Darkmatter
betraying Buzz Lightyear
By joining Evil Emperor Zurg
So Buzz was forced
to get three new Partners
Princess Mira Nova
Audrey 2
and Osmosis Jones.
because I will have Forgotten
Booster & XR.
Because Booster and XR
Never made a ******* Facebook Profile.

Nobody exists anymore.
We are all represented by our avatars
holding ourselfs up to the standards
of our photoshopped reflections

Being disappointed and overwhelmed

I Take pills to forget that I am
Acting Like myself
but can't find any evidence of Existing.
Besides these memories
of who i used to be.

I want my internet persona
to be nothing like me
So that I may focus on myself
in the real world coherently.

I want thick black lines
dividing mental Venn diagrams

I want Tom and Jerry
To signal me
That it is morning, again.

there are lies we tell ourselfs
to protect ourselfs from what we dont want to face
from things that never see the light of day

there are truths we tell ourselfs
over and over till they loose their power
to persuade a change of course

iv been down many roads
that tho i never would have said out loud
i was terrified every inch of the way
there have been paths that i followed
knowing that i was blinded to the blades arrayed against me
but i never hesitated a single footstep

standing here on the edge with you
looking so fine in your skintight jeans
one breast showing thru the threadbare fabric
and your eyes on fire with all the things your feelin
your words sharp and quick like knives
with all the things your knowing

there are lies we tell ourselfs
to cast aside caution
to throw away reason
and right now im trying to find
those lies to tell  myself
to blind me to all the reasons i  shouldn't follow you
shouldn't leap with you
into the fire below
into the certain death i see
into the darkness you curse

This house is warm as it retains the suns powerful  rays of heat.
Seeds germinate and grow with strength,
each planted and nurtured with care from the theraputic gardener within his greenhouse.
 
But its such a shameful shame,
that we can not all be like the contented gardener.
We throw words around like sharp stones of flint,
when the glass house in which we surround ourselfs  to will shatter.
Like shards of fine glass panes our words can not be unspoken ..
Unbroken.

Let positivity bathe you in light from the vast window space,
embrace its warmth, speak only words of kindness and love.
If this proves too difficult to comprend when tempers fray,
then eat your words or leave them unsaid.
For this will cause shards of glass within a quick tongue that can not be unherd.

Think, stop, have a little humility,
we should do unto others as we undo for ourselfs.
So I ask you only this, let your thoughts germinate seeded words of encouragement.
Then you will see them blossom into beautiful colours bathed in the warmth of love.

Let this contagious greenhouse in which you surround yourself, keep you mindful,
enjoy its warming embrace of light.
learn to help others shine, you will then comprehend the power of the greenhouse effect.

The time has come, for me to fray
the long lost fortune peace and joy
and i peep all around to see a ray
to give me hope and stop to cry
in the face of dispair, i will still try
it feels like hell and i need to fly

am about to burst and am full of thought
then if she left to me its draught
the touch of her hand and a kiss so hot
swimming basking and the fish we caught
fear and doubt with love we fought
she always escaped to what we ought

then came the insighter and he seemed brighter
taking her out and treating her better
Using a phone when i used letters
things were hard especially with a competitor
forgot me complete together with her litter
it seemed to her there was nothing sweeter

after utelizing the better of her best
he disposed her and then left
she had some pain in the chest
when she came in serch for rest
she was mine but we had to test
to avoid being hung like a nest

A drop of blood and a little buffer
recalled how our children would suffer
if through ignorance our life was vapour
my test was a line and my partners twice
why would life be so very  unfair?
her episode was so shortlived

yet she left me huge a burden
to the kids we had i was both parents
just be cause she wouldn't heed
even doctors advice on adherence
all in all i had to say goodbye
coz she was mine for the time we spent

what i am now going through
is a fruit of ignorance and disobedience
my urge my prayer,
that not one falls into the same
it's so easy to say that,
lets avoid the idea of shame
by first escaping the blame
by keeping ourselfs tame.

weightless we are,
fallen of birds,
breadths within soft palms;

our spiritless flesh,
once crowned,
monarchs over the heavens;

fed from the golden spoon,
bathed in pearled beds,
clothed by spoils of war,
and that, not our own;

in dust we reign,
like withering pedals,
the wind reaps our treasures;

"oh, how the mighty have fallen"

where then is our hope ;

Another night
crying, not being able to breath
afraid of losing you
seeing you walking away
without a goodbye

How many more nights like this do i have to face?

Another night
thinking about why you're still with me
just trying to be good enough
wondering if you'll stay
when you have seen me at my worst

Are those nights ever going to end?

Another night
hoping we'll make it
till the end
without killing ourselfs
by trying to save each other

Do you really think those nights are the worst?

Another night
imagining you besides me
falling asleep in your arms
maybe even kiss you goodnight
hoping you love me like i love you

Tell me when these nights will end and everything will be real.

____________________­____________________

­Mommy,

I know you always try your best,
I try to pass all my tests,
but I can't pass anything but math,

and the problems we have I don't know how to solve,
because I'm working with numbers that don't work in the context of the problem we've been having,

and I'm trying my best each and every day,
to just spell my name correctly,
C-A-T-H-E...what comes next,

I don't remember,
Now I feel dumber than my little brother,
I can't read anything harder then a **** and Jane book,

is this why  at school,
by everyone each and every everyday,
I'm ignored and overlooked,

Mommy,

I never want to see you cry,
and every night I don't see it,
but I hear it,

and I hear you pray for me,
pray for someone to help your child in the ways your not able to,
because you can't always help me,

Mommy,

I know you don't deal with everything very well,
and sometimes when you yell,
it becomes more than shouting,

you and daddy fighting,
yelling about me,
every single day,

I hide in my room and cry,
because when I didn't I worried about getting hit,

for not paying attention,
or my homework,
or doing the things i constantly was told to stop doing,

Mommy,

I couldn't help it half the time,
So I cried when I came home from school,
Because everyone picked on me,

kids beat me up on the bus,
people took my stuff,
and recess and lunch were worse,

Mommy,

they put me in the corner all alone,
because I had allergies,
But everyone just thought I was a bad kid,

Everyone hated me,
No one wanted to play with me or be my friend,
no one could even be nice to me for a minute,

Mommy,

I peed my pants everyday,
two to three times a day too,
because people scared me,

and eventually I out outgrew this,
but my nails disappeared,
as did my voice,

Mommy,

I come home everyday and I cry and scream,
and that's the only noise I ever made,
for all of second grade,

my communion pictures make me cry,
because I look so sick,
at the time I just wanted to die,


Mommy,

I was in third grade,
when I know I had self harm for the first time,
Did it in the middle of class,

and no one said anything to me every time,
I pulled my teeth out,

Or the time I stuck my finger in my pencil sharpener,
closed my eyes and turned,
so my nail came off,

and maybe they would let me get out of that class room,
because every day that year was brutal,

Mommy,

I was still in third grade,
when I stopped eating,
wasn't a hard thing,

with my ADHD diet,
and the thing you never know,
that me and Daddy just keep to ourselfs,

Mommy,

when I fell off my sled,
I really fell off the deck,
and that's how I broke my leg,

Daddy saw me jump,
and I wish he was the one who missed it,
and you had to of seen it,

Mommy,

I didn't wanna live,
that was after my 8th birthday party,
you came and yelled at me in front of my only friend,

and she didn't even go to school with me,
and you chased me around the house yelling,
making her uncomfortable,

I thought I lost all my friends,
I honestly didn't know what I had left,

Mommy,

do you see why no one has ever come over since,
why I stopped having birthday parties,
stopped everyone from being near me,

I only wanted people to treat me well,
I only ever hoped for that,
I never asked for all the pain that I've gone though,

Mommy,

You always told me I was scared of men,
But I've seemed to always have anxiety and Depression,
Since I was a little kid,

Mommy,

I thought a boy loved me,
I opened my heart to another man other than the one who made me,
Loved him more then I loved the god we prayed to every Sunday,

Mommy,

I cried,
The night I let him **** me,
Because I had no where else to go,

Because Home,
Was no ******* home,

because the abuse
became too much to bare,

Mommy,

Look at my scarred body,
I dare you,
Don't try to fix me with your prays,

I don't need you to cry another night over me,
I don't want you to have to go to your mother and cry because of me,
I just want you to see,

Mommy,

Look what the world's done to me,
look what the world's done to your daughter,

from the nail biting, teeth and hair pulling little girl,
who then starved herself & tried to die by jumping and eating peanuts,

Mommy,

I've only gotten worse,
because I've taken up burning,

writing all the hateful things on my,
chest, legs, arms, breast,

Just to scorch my skill off,

Mommy,

I never cut myself till I was in 8th grade when I learned what self harm was,
and I didnt think I was doing it,

I just started talking paper clips and things that scratch the surface of skin,
I didn't ever think it get deeper then the top of skin,

Where I'd see my blood drip out from under paper clip,
I soon used other things to get the job done faster,

Mommy,

just look at my skin,
touch my skin,

do you believe it now?
like they had to do in the bible for Jesus when he returned from the dead,

see i'm as dead as the living dead come

Mommy,

I came back to stay forever,
and not pick up and leave for days,
not telling you where I have been,

Mommy,

every mark was never from you,
It was from those who brought us apart,
trying to take my from you,

Mommy,

every ounce of blood in my body came from you,
you never gave up on me,
even when I have given up on me and you,

Mommy,

I hate this school,
I told you think from day one,
I want the damage they did to be un done,

I want to feel free again,
I wanna feel like I can be happy again,

Mommy,

I haven't been happy for a while,

and even though I have not smiled for years,
in that same time,

I haven't seen yours appear,

Mom,

as the days, weeks, months and years passed,
the steps between us became miles that put u in a heaven leaving me,
under the sea level,

I just was to reconnect,

But things that break can't always be fixed,

so I write you at 16 years old

But

Dear mommy,

I've been trying to reach you since I was 6 years old,

we've lost 10 years of our lives,
because people wanted to make us hate each other,
and fight,

but I will write you one last thing,

my apology can't be worth more than this,

Dear Mother

I love you,
**please believe it

If you ever feel loanly
know that you can always visit me
we'll wrap ourselfs with stories
and warm up with emotions
as we drink happiness.
we'll fall asleep
side by side
with our dreams burning bright overhead

My parents often ask me, why are you so stressed, why are you so depressed, . . . . . why are you so . . . crazy?
Here and now I am going to answer that question.

1. stress

The main reason I stress is from responsibility.
RESPONSIBILITY
The word makes me go insane
All of it causes pain.

Sibilings, five younger sibilings,
they all have their things.
they each have someting that either causes me a responsibilty or stress, because its a constant worry, love.

School, all eight classes,
you expect aces.
I can't be perfect, but you want me to be, and that is a huge responsibility.

Home, all of it,
every single bit.
A home requires everybody to have a responsibility.

2. deppresed

The main reason i am often sad, mad, or a mixture of both is that you wouldn't accept me.
NO ACCEPTENCE
To know that you would hate me,
stops me from being free.

Gender, i hate it,
why do we label ourselfs why dont we quit.
I just want to be free and ya'll dont like that, so i can't.

Sexuality, mine is different,
and you would accept it.
The world is different why cant you see that, why is different bad?

Religon, the worst of all,
the lectures make me feel so small.
You force and force and it makes me wat t be farther and farther away.

3. crazy

I am crazy because you dont care.
OBLIVION
You can't see me trying so hard,
the only things you see tears me apart.

I am trying, cant you see,
being perect for you is always who i've been tring to be.
Don't you see me working, all the time, trying to please all of ya'll.

Perfection, its impossible,
nothing can be perfectly aligned on the table.
Why do I have to be your perfect christain daughter who does so well in school while I am unhappy? Why can't I be your unperfect person that follows their dreams and is happy?

- Your unperfect human, Zan.

I bit my nails down to a nub
Am I a ghost? A long forgotten
Memory, eased into your backburner, well
Oiled with the sweat of my lust?

When may I emerge from the
Shadows and proclaim that my
Love may be silent, but
It screams so loud in my ears.

Hey, I am hurting here!
Can you put down your life for one
Moment and just sit and justfucking
Listento me?

Or perhaps the image of myself I held so dear is
Now a killer, destined for
Damnation along with all the other
Souls that murdered everything they touched.

I swear, I didn’t mean to.
But it all just crumpled in my
Hand like ashes and I tried to be delicate, but
I pressed too hard.

I wanted to know if it was alive.
I wanted to be sure that this
Love was real, and not just some
Plastic penny-box letter.

I cannot escape for you.
These bars bind me down and
These walls close me in No
Matter how much I runorrun
Or run into them they won’t
Budge.
Please, just this once?
Maybe, this time if I am strong enough they will
Move
And I will taste freedom

Please **** them
Every single one'a'em *******
I'm gunna shootemdead.
Gunna gunnemdown
We is gunna get ourselfs happy, fer once.
Issa great game, this "life" thing.

not opposites but halves

let me remind you
I love you for you
I love the way you are when your with me
building a safe home
for us both 
that one day we can 
see the world
that one day we can
make love
that with every full moon
that passes
I miss you more 
that when I see you it feels like I was waiting for the moon again
that within each day I dont see you
you are missed dearly
and I want you to know that
were each others halves instead of opposites
because you help me grow
within myself and with you
as the skies start to create wonders my mind expands filling it with more stars
and clouds and airplanes
with new destinations to help us grow within ourselfs within each other as well
each cracked smile whenever I think of you 
is great, elation just fills my whole canvas including my brain that above all your my King, you make me happy even when your not with me
that the misses are compared to the next full moon 
no matter if its just 48 hours
I never want you to forget my love, our love 
I have for you and we have for each other
within the eyes
the canvas is painted in the most beautiful way
that every brush and mark
came with patience and love

And so with every wave is made of the wind

the asphalt solution bears no fruit
and it wears on my already threadbare sneakers
i hobble a shifting house out of the rubble
but its paint is chipped and its metal worn
so there's little doubt that it'll never last
there's no roadmap and doubts are abundant
but no there's nothing to go back to
lets lets plunder on into the wild blue
so we three poor-boys set out to see the kingdom

the asphalt asphyxiation
and somewhere near at hand
a mechanical voice mutters an anthology of misgivings
the door is ajar...the door is ajar.....
we can do little but count blessings
and covet the coin another man carries
cause they are morally bankrupt and socially diseased
the asphalt solution near at hand
i step sore foot to road
but am stopped by the rolling of thunder
crashing of wave or was it of naive

somebody gotta save poor-boys like me from ourselfs
the knightess in shining armour rides in on her trusty steed
her quick wit makes short work of dragons and trolls
to save the kingdom and the poor-boys alike
for the world needs more women superhero's like her
a knightess in shining armour
with sensible shoes
wicked ways no more she says
go home to your woman and be at peace sillyhead

so put sore foot to road and tread my way
back on to safe and sound
the asphalt solution get put away
after all the only road i wish to see
leads me right back to my happy little florida home
my woman and my cat waiting on me
a hobbled home knitted by a midnight thief's slippery hand
a knitted life stitched by the memory foam of bad dreams
cup your head to your woman's soft features
your gonna be all right kiddo
i swear on a stack of comic books
about women superhero's

twenty years ago

her loose strand of hair lingers over her face
i brush it back gently
and a tear slips free
i can see in her eye
that she wishes that somebody would stop her
that she could escape this charade
i can see its bitter on her lips
i can see it makes her feel so small

so we escaped together
and found ourselfs a happy home to build
a future she told me, a future she promised me

the soft hand slips in
and the next line writes itself
its her that im living for

its her smile that that makes it bearable
its her her loving words that make it understandable
its her eyes that see me
its the future that she promised me was coming
its the future that she promised me was coming

why isn't she saying anything
why are her eyes dark and distant

short lived in this half-light serenade
the tide has withdrawn
leaving me in the cold spray of a winter rain
silence in her eyes
silence on her lips
its so cold here...why wont she speak
why do we linger here

i wish someone would stop me
wish that i could escape this charade

and she died there twenty years this day
at the spring tide just at dawn
she will never speak the world to me
will never smile the day for me
never whisper the love with me

"Language" , as my teacher assured me
"Is a way for us to express ourselfs."

or something along those lines.

"It it a tool to lie." or
"to approximate what seems far away".

For me it is a basement.
where one hides.

where a mistake is forgiven
and where I can fool myself

That all above is true

Ever think God is like a Sims game?..

Instead of being controlled all the time,
We control ourselfs.. the thing is we have free will.. But God can do what ever he wants..

He watches us from above..
See's us roam around and do as we please,
But if in the game.. he would only interfere  with minor things.,

In real life.. I feel if we search for him..
We will find him.. he does not control us like robots..  But loves us So that he wants us to live and make decisions on our own.  Like relationship wise as example.  

In the begining.. just like in sims..
The creator creates..

He made the world.. he made people..
Watched us live.. saw how we ran things..

But humans.. when they play..
Naturally want to control..
As a game.. But God does not play
Games..

We say our world.. our way
The earth is a stadge,
We are the preformers,

But yet the human body..
incuding your brain.. your mind..
Is in flesh,

You see the decisions you make by how things play out.. just like in sims..

But if you think about it..
How do we decide things?..

We have a body with bones and muscles
And we walk around with things called feet..

Like sometimes this may sound crazy..
But knowing what are body is made out of..
How does anything in our body work,
Like us having dreams?.. us seeing all the colors we see?..

Their is a science that us humans created,
But how did it happen in the first place?..


Like Sims, we do what we want,
We decide for our own.. But God would sit back and watch.. and only interfere with what is necessary..

Sims and God.. they have things in common.. the objective is.. who is doing the controlling?..  and why is the one controlling doing the things their doing?..

It all comes down to motive..

What is our motive.. V.S.
What is God's Motive?..

Legs spread, straddling the topic, and on either side of me is a dangerous fall.
What did you say? I captivate you? You tell me my soft lips and my hard kiss have you thinking of nothing else, my flesh and the way it feels on yours has you forever coming back for more, you love the way we fit, the way we contrast, the way the ink in our skin blends, and when we ourselfs blend were a distinguished shade of gray.
Oh stop, you’re too kind. Blushing babe.
I think its time for a subject change so I’ll dismount, to the left this time because its the side that’s more like following my heart.
I love it when you touch me like that. It’s like you’re feeling every last bit of me, and you like what you feel. Tell me you like what you feel; then again I suppose you don’t need to because I can sense it in the passion. I love this.
In this haze I’ve become malleable, so with every stroke and every word you are redefining my facts of existence, my reality, my subsistence. I'd take this plunge as sure as I'd take my next breath if this is what I could expect. But nights like these are few and far between. So if I’m honest, I’ll tell you I’m resisting this (but I'm not as honest as I should be). Its not black and white, its a distinguished shade of gray. It's us.

We can stand in front of a mirror and stare at our own faces, examining our teeth, our smile, our tears, and the endless reflection of our own souls gazing back at us from behind our eyes and question and ponder and weigh ourselves down with questions of self worth and over burden ourselves with self loathing and stare even deeper as we realize how small our bodies are compared to a tree or our houses or the buildings we work in and then we can  compare how small all those things are compared to the size of the earth and continue down this road as we look towards how massive our sun is to the earth but how even the sun is just a spec of dust in the vast cosmos and then wonder why are we here and what is it all worth and what does it all mean and for a moment maybe we're overwhelmed and nothing makes sense and it all seems meaningless.  I've been there, standing in front of that mirror, with tears running down my face and my self worth lying and rolling in the gutter with all my self loathing and I've stood there scared and depressed and everything else that is miserable.  And I've walked away from that mirror, either out of anger or fear or when I was all out of self pity sometimes I walked away out of hope.
Life at its very worst always has the potential to get even more horribly so, there is no  bottom when things are going from bad to worse... But it always has the potential to get better too.  We may seem small and insignificant when we compare our bodies to the vast cosmos that surronds us, but the love that lives within us is its own endless universe, quite possibly even bigger than all the space that surronds us.
Its not as easy to find and sometimes maybe we feel like this internal universe has kicked us out or won't let us in or for the truly unfortunate maybe they just haven't found the door, maybe they haven't gone mad yet and maybe they never will... but that's another heart breaking story for someone else to tell.
If you're one of the fortunate ones you've already found the door and walked through it,  if you were really lucky you fell through it or came crashing through it.   You know its a beautiful place, you know its a dangerous place, you know its easier getting here than staying here.  The life line of our bodies is finite and we never know how long or short it will be.  Love however has the power and possiblity and vulnerablity to be infinite.   We don't always (or perhaps ever) get to choose how or when or why we come tumbling through that doorway.  Sometimes we're idiots and we find ourselfs here and we either hide hoping to go unseen or even worse we try to get out,  we walk back out the door willingly.  And sometimes we get lost and the door can't be found and were stuck here...
Just like standing in front of the mirror, I've been through this door a few times, sometimes scared, sometimes hopeful, and when I've been really lucky I've been stuck.
I'm lost here now and I want to stay and I think at least some small piece of my heart must have been left behind and buried under some floor boards years and years ago because somehow its all familiar and my heart feels like its found its home

winter day
the cold burns
the music in my brothers room is loud
so i walk downstairs and outside
to the garage
and stand silent in the bitterness of winter
angry that i cannot have loud music
angry that i am not my brother
my heart thunders in my chest as i read the written phrase
this was madness in its infancy
this twisted place
i called home
this paper thin disguise
that hides us all
from ourselfs
she looked at me
but i could not see her
i could only see what i could not feel
this paper thin disguise
ugly and distorted

A beautiful song sings my love for you
A beautiful song sings the fairytale between me and you
A beautiful song describe the wonderful you
A wonderful song sing about you
A beautiful song write about you
A beautiful song is creating the perfect hit about the love of me and you
Its a song what is remembering me about you, a song what is make me to think about you
A perfect song what is describe the chemestry between me and you
A song abou life
A song about the future where we,ll find ourselfs
A love song what will always bring us together and being there for each other forever.

watching from afar the ruination of it all
born with a mind, yet cater to the aroma
of what to be, follow me, follow me
greed of the guilty, everyones fantasy
being born an original,yet we forget
we are only ourselfs not him or her
nourish your soul to be one with you

Of what weight does love hold?
Cosmic gigantic love
Streatching from star to star,
from time to time,
Leaping all barriers,
In an insane hurtle race
Run by rabid contenders,
Frothing at the mouth,
Colidicopes in their eyes
Swirling,

As they clear fence after fence
Hardly catching themselves
As their sloppy foot falls land,
All ankles, knees, wobblingly
catching themselves
Their brains decifering
the confused code
Of signals beamed
from legs heart and stomach
All culminating in this
Borderline
Purposeful looking
Yet unintentional
Floppy mess
 
For in the sake of their love
, Of some thing that they hope
will make them immortal,
or at least super,
That temporary and basic seemingly
Irrefutable good that one feels in his pit
Expanding them and inflating them till they float

High enough above others
To squintingly look down, into the eyes of those unable to bouey bob above the rest.
Lights flicking on their foreheads so
Even if they don't talk people know
Where they are and how splendid
Their bobbing is.

And let's not kid ourselfs
Look at those two
Out in the dark and deep
The 2 hrtz signal allowing them each
To be sure the other exists
Flashes reveal the hidden expressions
Those times of clarity so sparce
When all you want to do is look at them
For a good long time
Take in the other completely
for in those nights
When all thoughts clump
Turning colours to brownish purple.
An you cannot see the other
to have them help as they so enjoy.
Two distant bleeps of light
Red but none the less visible
To all around

After all I guess they will be serving as warner's, out their on thier own.
What rocks and reefs the will they arbrais
What swells will the brave,
And what will we learn from
watching From shore,
Whishing them luck as the sun rests on the other side, as the white caps tumble, as the clouds roll on overhead.
Its a very wet scenario.

This world we are living in.
We all want to fit there.
Want to be loved with tender
loving care.
Searching and finding.
Take losses and keep fighting.
Feel love feel hate.
Hope you will find your soulmate.
Find a nice job and
spend time with friends.
We all want to happy in the end.
Your health is your biggest wealth.
We want to live our life
that is so meaningful.
But life isn't always beautiful.
We will get our heart broken.
And going through struggles.
We can't always protect ourselfs
from troubles.
We can't live in a safe big bubble.
Just remember what ever comes
on our path.
We have to deal with them and it will
make you stronger.
Stay close to what you believe in
and love and be proud
in all your achievements.
These are my evening thoughts
for this moment.

There's smoke on the horizon
beneath an open sea
closing on grainy visions.
In an obscured sky
twin moons merge briefly,
illuminating barren features beneath silver linings
losing brilliance. Imagine
darkness
skirting collisions, spinning
into its quickened cycle, spiraling
radiating some misunderstood energies
thought of as kindness, or kinship.

Veils obscure absent eyes milky white
delicately placed off center to attract attention
      awa  y
to the edges of presen(ts)ce.
Fractures eke out mollified dreams
better left for a different when,
still spied through corner glances
and brief glimpses of a time forgotten.
Stare out through rolling hills,
drifting between currents and canyons
hiding prospects and perspectives
shrinking, shifting topics to
silence,
hours
spent on roads throughout country
we'll never truly see. Hundreds
of miles, with nothing in between.

Let's lay
beneath blankets of estranged forethought
fathers speaking in lost refrains
brothers and sisters spinning in circles
for atten(ua)tion?
attunement?
spinning, bare feet striking
new grounds
leaving paths for those to follow,
what we would have called ours
if not for lost vocabulary.

Between pillars of salt and smoke
we continue along a path founded by ancestors,
tasting our sacred fruits
soured by the lives which watered them,
stains now set to patters,
repeated until they become tradition,
crossing into teachings to which
we kneel
masked by some layer of proper posturing
predictively programmed to provoke
passe (prisms) precautions,
an effect of visual innocence
tarnished, no longer
do we know who hides behind the pierced cowl,
stilled face, lifeless and radiant,
forgotten in sight.

mute, we tell tall tales
of monster's sacrifices,
humanity a frail barrier.
Vapid thoughts dissipate
as leather lungs propagate vacuous words,
bruised rose petals whisper an attempt
at appeasement
lost in the shivers of the wind, briefly
caught only by chance and it's simple
to pretend they never came.

There's smoke on the horizon,
signals rise to prominence
once communication's faltered.
Hollow, revert to body language,
broken and distorted, the veil falls
as we look upon ourselfs from breaths away.
In our eyes a slotted face falls close,
unrecognizable, yet our own
clearly cloaked in cold sun and decorative scars,
an odious inverse to delicacy.
Animals trapped in the same cage
finding comfort in the fury of escape attempts,
pitted against on another
we find solace in our embrace,
teeth bared from true recognition
it was never passion,
only instinct.

as I pick up this guitar, and wonder were you are
I'm hoping this melody will take me far
cause deep in my mind, my thoughts, all askewed
and the words I write are only for you
can I tantilize you with my clever prose,or perhaps
indulge you in our afternoon naps
while we listen to dylan, in all his poetic verse
and try to rid ourselfs of our brought on curse
then we can walk the fields, frolick in their colors
mix and match, till we love again with each other

We look at the same faces each day
We're viewing those humans how they appear to us; how they look and how they act
We judge them instantly
We never once think to look at the world in their shoes and through their eyes
We're looking but we aren't really seeing
We hear the same voices and same music each time we chose
We hear the positive and negative words we expose ourselfs to
We don't listen to the meaning; we just hear what's spoken
We're hearing but we aren't truly listening
We're touched by the old familiar hug but we don't acknowledge the importance
We know you're here but do we feel your presence?
And to us the world seems ordinary
Yet we have no idea what it's capable of giving us
We know but we'll never fully be aware of its sweet mysteries

When our words
Look after ourselfs.


What to think
about then?

There are thousands of pieces and memories lost,
From every dead body under it's cross,
For every little tear that did your daughter lost,
You should give her a necklase,
To remind her she's so close,
For every scream we had to hear,
For every night we wanted to dissapear,
If we would get a coin for each,
We would be rich,
And we could save ourselfs from that precious drinking *****.

On what we call life ,
We notice to promise a lot.

You can promise to keep a secret ,
You can promise to never change.
You can pledge a I love you
And you can promise everything else.

But in the end ,
Does It actually mean something ?

Many of us are not realistic ,
We live in our little world of lies.
And it’s alright.
Becausse it’s all we’ve got.

And you realize it doesn’t not make sense.
Life makes no sense at all.
It makes no sense to miss something you never had,
It makes no sense to love something that does not love you back.

But even though, you do.
You miss,
You love,
And that's how it goes.

Nothing really makes sense,
We actually know nothing about no one.
Our whole world is based on not knowing.
And we choose to believe in whatever we want.

No one has the right to say it’s wrong.
We will still believe in something.
We can not promise anything.
Because nothing is as it is .

But the day you go to pledge again
Please note that we can not
Promise eternal love,
Or promise absolute perfection.

Nothing is perfect,
Nothing is true ,
Everything is our imagination.

We can only promise
To be always ourselfs
Because it's the only thing
That will always be as it is.