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writer Oct 2015
she lies in her bathtub
bath walls stained red
tears in her eyes
a smile of relief
staring at the ceiling
"self destruction"
she whispers
slightly laughing
she stares at the blood
seeing it stop dripping
searching for the blade
more self destruction
another cut
more than one
maybe twenty
there is no end
someone knocking on the door
the bathroom door
"you alright"
she heard
"i killed her"
she yells
instead she smiles
"i am fine"
she says
she feels like the word are not coming from her mouth
she heard foot steps
walking away
"i killed her"
she whispers
finding herself laughing
but tears keep falling
yet another cut
"i killed her"
she whispers
she is trying to believe it
to remember
a door opening slowly
feeling her hands getting heavy
like she is holding something
then nothing but black
"i killed her"
she whispers
she finds herself sobbing
almost unable to say a word
she is sobbing
just like that night
was it night?
she does not know
all she knows is her heavy hands
the next thing
she is sobbing
next to a body
her body
all she is able to say is
"i killed her"
"i killed her"
she whispers again
she snaps back
finding herself still cutting
"i killed her"
she whispers once again
she does nor try to stop the bleeding
nor the cutting
her hands feeling heavy again
it scares her
is it like that night?
if it was even night
yet she smiles
her sight turns black
she stopped
there are just tears falling down her face now
and blood
there is always blood
it is always dripping
then she whispers again
one last time
but it is different
her eyes are closed
and she whispers
**"i killed me"
writer Jul 2015
to be written
what we have brought
to an end
in the middle of the novel
  Jun 2015 writer
I am not going to promise you we will be "together forever."
I am not going to tell you I love you 'to the moon & back.'
I am not going to say that you look hot.

Instead, I will promise you each day that I will stay the day.
Instead, I will tell you I love you, but show you how much (way more than 'to the moon & back').
Instead, I will glance at you soaking in every inch of your beauty, sit back & shockingly say, "wow."

If I promise you that we will be "together forever," you may get some lazy relationship where we put our effort into the cliché land of time that we call, tomorrow. If I promise you each day, that I will stay the day, then I'm sure we'll get a relationship where we put our all in, every single day.
If I tell you I love you 'to the moon & back,' then I am giving you a limited love. My love for you is unlimited.
If I tell you I love you, & show you how much, I'll spend the rest of my life showing you, & you'll get the rest of yours to see.
If I tell you "you're hot," I'd be understating it, & you would feel like a hunk of meat. Your beauty magnifies, & I will remind you everyday making sure you feel your beauty as I see it.
  Jun 2015 writer
Do you know what it's like, when your insecurities take over, & leave you with more death wishes than the breaths you take in a day? When you want so much to just give up, & leave, so nobody has to see your every flaw? But then there's that one person, that's all it takes; just one person, who keeps showing up & loving everything that you hate about yourself. That one person just shows up, enters your insecurity-infested life, & then starts fighting for you. So every time you feel like giving up, & you convince yourself it's time to give everyone a break from you, that person shows up, & pushes you to stay. They remind you how much they love your flaws, & imperfections. They tell you over & over that everyone isn't perfect, & that they love you the way you are, & they fight for you to stay. Soon, every time you want to give up, you automatically fight that urge, even though your insides are screaming that you're making a mistake by staying, but you stay anyway.
You fight it, & you stay.
For them.
Do you know what that's like?
I was sleeping when I thought this, woke up, wrote it all down, now I'm posting it 11 hours later.
  May 2015 writer
I was scared.
Everyone I have ever dated, I ended up pushing away, losing feelings for & hurting. I never truly cared for anyone I ever dated.

I found a girl that made butterflies become pets to my stomach. A girl that made happiness seem easy.

I had her, this beautiful girl that I genuinely cared about, & I threw her away in utter fear of repeating past actions.
I guess I find comfort in familiarity.

Little did I know that she would keep me up at night. That my mind only ever seemed to be thinking of her.
Is she okay?
What is she doing?
Does she miss me?
I miss her.
I found that my comfort no longer hid in familiarity, but instead sparkled in her eyes, was enlightened by her smile, lingered in her laugh, & clung to her voice.

I was scared of having her. Of loving her. Of finding a new comfort.

Four months later I stop, close my eyes, & hold my breath.
Maybe old comforts need to be forgotten because my definition of  home now begins with her name, & **home sure is comfy.
writer May 2015
The darkness opens up the thoughts.
writer May 2015
The sky holds all the unwritten words
The thoughts which have never been spoken
The non-existing words in all the love stories
The feelings we can't express

It holds everything we can't bring to words. It's not just a sky, it's an open book. Full of secrets and fears.

It doesn't just hold clouds and birds, it holds way more.

**It holds you & me.
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