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Yo la amé, y era de otro, que también la quería.
Perdónala Señor, porque la culpa es mía.

Después de haber besado sus cabellos de trigo,
nada importa la culpa, pues no importa el castigo.

Fue un pecado quererla, Señor, y, sin embargo
mis labios están dulces por ese amor amargo.

Ella fue como un agua callada que corría...
Si es culpa tener sed, toda la culpa es mía.
Perdónala Señor, tú que le diste a ella
su frescura de lluvia y esplendor de estrella.

Su alma era transparente como un vaso vacío.
Yo lo llené de amor. Todo el pecado es mío.

Pero, ¿cómo no amarla, si tú hiciste que fuera
turbadora y fragante como la primavera?

¿Cómo no haberla amado, si era como el rocío
sobre la yerba seca y ávida del estío?

Traté de rechazarla, Señor, inútilmente,
como un surco que intenta rechazar la simiente.

Era de otro. Era de otro, que no la merecía,
y por eso, en sus brazos, seguía siendo mía.

Era de otro, Señor. Pero hay cosas sin dueño:
Las rosas y los ríos, y el amor y el ensueño.

Y ella me dio su amor como se da una rosa,
como quien lo da todo, dando tan poca cosa...

Una embriaguez extraña nos venció poco a poco:
ella no fue culpable, Señor... ¡ni yo tampoco!

La culpa es toda tuya, porque la hiciste bella
y me diste los ojos para mirarla a ella.

Toda la culpa es tuya, pues me hiciste cobarde 1
para matar un sueño porque llegaba tarde. 1

Sí. Nuestra culpa es tuya, si es una culpa amar 2
y si es culpable un río cuando corre hacia el mar.

Es tan bella, Señor, y es tan suave, y tan clara,
que sería un pecado mayor si no la amara. 3

Y, por eso, perdóname, Señor, porque es tan bella,
que tú que hiciste el agua, y la flor, y la estrella,

tú, que oyes el lamento de este dolor sin nombre,
¡tú también la amarías, si pudieras ser hombre!
Mateuš Conrad Jul 2018
/                    nietzsche wrote
his ecce ****
                                                  book...

­                         now?!

apparently we're all supposed
to write a book, entitled

mea culpa...                                 (?)

i just want an authenticity
of using the index,
index finger,

and being able
                        to point...
without sacrificing
the ownership
of a shadow attachment...

               and how
does the víšégrād group
    (oh i'm into linguistic
sabotage,
     writing such a word,
treating it as a bomb,
     and knowing the "nuance"?
well...
   the manchester mob,
the panic,
           and what is the concept
of islam if not advocacy
        for literacy? no? really?!)

invite the bulgars...                         (?)

like a birth of a 2nd. yugoslavia...
or the shift of
   the 2nd holy empire
to the, "left" in copernican
"terms"...

    there are the narrators,
the observers,
the critics,
   and the: chanced eyes on the mess...

no... in the collectivist / corporate
mind-sent?
              mea culpa is not on
the agenda...
                           "we" have already
stressed the situation past
the mea culpa:
  
           come: ecce ****
                      and the crucifixion /
                                          guillotine.

come the bulgars...

   and why am i not expressing
an intellectual ben hur
of an index finger?

managed to punch myself
20 times in the face
and give myself a plum beneath
the eye?

          so what's wrong with
"flexing" attributing
the tongue to an index finger
"exasperation"?
    
so few books are actually
ecce **** orientated...
            
       always the mea culpa,
never, never, ever,
                         tua culpa:

ergo?
                   ecce ****!

              shh...

quiet...

     just mention the concept
of mea culpa

                     to elißabeth fritzl

   how much of masochistic
              "moralißing" does it have
to take place, trans-temporal
  and justifying
                 the mono-spatial realm
of a "past", and, "now"
                before being crucified
is no longer deemed
the same as labouring with
                       a hammer, or a chisel?!

i say that: metaphorically
frothing at the mouth.

firt i learned to throw a punch
onto my face...
   give myself a plum just beneath
the eye socket:

   now i know the mea culpa mantra,
as i know the existence
of the index finger, being
differentiated from the fist...

and?

          the tua culpa mantra.
Leydis Jun 2017
MEA CULPA
“se lo entregue en bandeja de plata”

Mea Culpa,
se lo entregue en bandeja de plata.

Mea Culpa,
le conté todas mis penas y ella atentamente escuchaba.
Yo tan inocente, la consideraba buena amiga.

Mea Culpa,
no sabía que estaba enamorada, de mí y de él.
La veía tan preocupada por mi sufrimiento
y
los consejos que me daba, yo cumplidamente los acataba,
pues creía en su sinceridad,
creía que por mi ella estaba preocupada.

Mea Culpa,
no vi como ella se burlaba.
no entendí sus motivos,
la traición que se asomaba.

Mea Culpa,
ella me aconsejaba que lo dejara,
que no permitiera que me engañara,
que no le diera más importancia a él que a mí misma.
Yo entendía la sabiduría en sus palabras,
y comencé a reclamarle a él sus salidas,
porque que vestía como vestía,
sus amistades,
como me besaba,
como me miraba,
como me amaba.
como respiraba,
Él me decía, que todo eran imaginaciones mías,
que no condenara nuestro amor a esa agonía,
que no permitiera otras fuerzas dictaran nuestro amor a vivir en sosiego.
Que él a mí me amaba.

Pero poco a poco, los reclamos a él lo silenciaban.
En cada uno de esos reclamos,él de mí se alejaba.
Lo acuse hasta que no quedo más nada,
solo una cama vacía,
un amor guindando en el precipicio de Sheol,
en el sepulcro de la desolación,
de la confusión,
allí quedó penando nuestro amor.

Mea Culpa,
creí que la Señora Duda era mi amiga.
Le creí todas sus mentiras.
No entendí que es una amiga celosa, manipuladora, envidiosa.
Que me queria solo para ella, como su leal acompañante en su eterna soledad.

Mea Culpa.
Perdí el amor de mi vida,
mi sol, el aire que me sostenía,
cuando invite a esa maldita traicionera,
a esa maldita calumniadora,
la maldita Sra. Duda a mi vida,
y ciegamente acepte su invitación a un ménage á trois
……………. que sola me dejaría!

Mea Culpa!

LeydisProse
6/11/2017
https://m.facebook.com/LeydisProse/
Mateuš Conrad Mar 2016
i can't be repentant, he's there, strapped
to that stump of iconoclasm of his,
and you expect me to repent?
i have no mea culpa left in me to
do that, strangers' dogs familiarise themselves
for a brief petting and i cry,
a riddle: what two upturned sockets
give a smile? two harlequins and a pierrot:
for the eyes eagle sadness when laughter approaches,
and the eyes eagle happiness when laughter's
concubine (sadness) revels naked trapped by
waterfalls of eager misery.

you're not going to school me...
ponce... poets are paranoid concerning
a narrator, poets are paranoid about narrators,
sartre's c.c.t.v. existentialism, the eye
through the keyhole...
while he's strapped to that holy geometric of
his, that stump, i'm not supposed to
do penance, do a *mea culpa
,
in rite of imitating a heartbeat of guilt
with clenched fist against the chest:
mea culpa... mea culpa... mea culpa...
what am i, the democratic demographic
of the Pharisees?!
i have though, a philosophical inquiry,
let's imagine you're old school,
born in the 1980s, ha ha (old school,
i guess the internet does indeed belong
to *****-like creatures of youth
who'll swarm and literally abuse the **** thing),
so let us imagine you were old enough
to buy compact disks and respect artists
for their effort (i've said countless times,
i'd rather ask for free ***** than free music,
that's the first step to initiating the power of a.i.,
make certain professions redundant,
better in communism where no art was allowed,
althought breakout - kiedy byłem małym chłopcem - https://goo.gl/kHzmEi -
******* hippies via the beatles
when they were back in the u.s.s.r. - or something
akin to that six sharpshooter visa a vie via...
a.i. is a mingling of analytical and synthetic perception,
a perfect balance, analysis is worth storage,
synthesis is a non-replica guidance,
what is experienced cannot be replicated
for fear of mistake,
indeed the old question, was god who crafted man
or was man who crafted god, only a mechanic
technicality, like this philosophic curiosity i have
for you in hope of stalling you:
then man with steam engine and in linear fashion
for once plump beauty to venture into
anorexia... then god with his vacuum engines
of planetary orbits, neither able to immerse in
plagiarism...
i used to buy compact *****, i still do,
i'd burn them onto the hard-drive,
but some were scratched, the scratches in mp3
formatting were like computer viruses,
i'd put them into an ipod and guess what,
once the ipod played the former scratched c.d.
mp3 version it would create a physical malfunction,
the ****** thing would break apart...
it would twitch, it would shut the power off...
a scratched c.d. converted into mp3 can destroy
an ipod.
Mateuš Conrad Oct 2018
.oh forget Disney H'america... technicolor H'america was the bomb... gentlemen prefer blondes... oh ****... no... the seven year itch... the Rachmaninoff scene... bell, book & candle scene... whoever the genius was behind the technicolor project, outmatched the Disney in 1950s H'america... little town America... big little ****-hole worth of Europe... eddi reader...more like: keep the cats, a woman may desire luxury, but a man a freedom... keep the town, the summit, the fireplace... keep your luxury... just give me the shadow, the sun, the moon, and the road: perpetually greeting me.

oh forget looking
for scapegoats
these days...
full blown schizophrenia,
happening,
all over the anglophone
world...
me?
i'm just looking
at the lampoons...
sorry...
lemmings...
and the English?
top the table in western
world...
they thought they'd be
bailed out by
the H'americans...
good luck rolling
that pin-ball...
not gonna happen...
they have their own ****
to deal with...
   it could have...
but now it will never
work out, no anglophone
alliance bail-out plan...
it's a ******* farce...
it's a bogus in the bogie
in the ******* coalmine...
forget the canary...
   ****... i'm seriously flipping
the coin on phrases...
FDR contra DJT?
  magic!
no... the politicians were always
going to place the card...
the joker... free-fall dance-loose
feet...
         my bet is...
it'll fall flat on its face...
the eastern European Achilles
heel of the europhiles...
that's a supposition,
not a proposition...
                     or thereby, pre-....
but i do love being a spectator
of rare sport...
en masse schizophrenia...
a nation, divided...
             what a load of *******...
the English thought that their
anglophone alliances would
last, would encrust them in
a new globalization mechanism...
even the ******* Icelandic people
think they're European...
what did the English think?
just east of Las Vegas?!
           an island surrounded
by a massive prehistorical lake
"facility"?!
no one is looking for scapegoats
these days,
there's no one to blame...
mea culpa, mea culpa...
    these days?!
everyone is looking for the lampoon
brigade!
- and let me tell you...
mea culpa mea culpa...
no one is looking for a scapegoat
worth kristallnacht;
people are looking
for a lampoon...
     or...
        karmesinrotherznacht,
the night of... broken hearts;
broken, crimson hearts.
Ken Pepiton Dec 2018
Taken, gotten, or made, the point of anything
can pierce through everything…

slow
Slow think,
make real

re-al-ize
what fighting for life is…
this is the only
try,
it is not a test.

Take your time, use it wisely,
if that means anything.
Wise, I meant.
No offence, if wise is anathema to your kind,
die,
die if I knocked the reason for being right
outa you,
did you hear cognitive dissonance?
did it sound like
this. LOUD?
listen,
rolling rolling rolling
crash crumble rolled in nurse rime frosted
fables of monsters and maids
Thor, witharoar likka Lion King?

or the light brigade,
CHARGE?

thunder words from lost generations of
reasonless riddles for children,

Why did Peter Pumpkin-eater have a wife, but
couldn't keep her here?
Was that okeh? Oh, wait.
Ah, I see, I say,
they never tell that whole story any more.

Know why? They forgot it. In the war.

Duck'n'cover,no
crying, how long?
When begins forever? Did no one tell you, child?

Taken or made, the point of anything
can pierce through everything
like it was nothing, given
enough pre-sure-sup
poser-power

War, as a game, has a reason.

Battle, hitting, slapping

stop touch, stop now slap
slap back

or cry
oh no no ma

waddayahsay?  A theist or atheist
who started this war?

space case, or
lover of wisdom, met on the road
to Emmaus, discussing Wiles's proof
firming Fermi's connection to the matter of fear,
3, 2, 1

Kaboom, but with a whump you feel in your teeth

1, 2, 3 Fermat's last theorem ,
easy as pi an no re me

ABC to
Michael Jackson to
Howard Bloom because he

inadvertently, began
an-ionic converstatic re-vibe time warp
meme,
which vibe, started the legendary Sixties. I was alive.
Radioman,
a sixty cycle white-noise humm heard every where these days

There was a gospel song, "Turn Your Radio On".
my theme, open the window in the top of your head,
as it were,
a new,
as new as

a novel-state of water, H three Ohs, re-al-ity ification,
Ah, a shared Oh, I remember now, how this works…

like a poem

at the edge of a water vapor bubble in a boiling body of water,
at the edge of the bubble, water becomes a wall of water,
not vapor, not flowing liquid,

but a wall, insulating the vapor in pressing opposing force
to permit, from permission,
meaning with a message same as the message,

is that the right word? per-mission-grant, is power given,
agency,
that idea….
wait for the sign….?

By sharing an ion ic bond as a quest to make a point
for a free story to go,
the question marks you. Let the snake dance.

Press your point,

whetted edge,

slice through ties holding worthless axioms
with withered dendrites dangling disconnected
in participles
unfired for centuries muttering,
enchanting, enthralling enchained melodies
of ambitious syllables vying for idle minds
to rope in,
unbranded, wild
bucking ideas,
whip-twig, slap-face,
tanglewood  thicket, catclaw and mesquite,
willow,

wait.
And the old man remembered the willow whistle,
so He asked Grandfather,
How is such a whistle made?
And when he knew,
he made one.

A willow whistle with two notes,
like an Oscar Meir Wiener one.

-- and that was a different time
I got lost here, bucked up…
maybe
--- listen, way back--- we-ain't whistlin' Dixie---
we ain't marchin', as t' war.

D'thet mean some sign to pro-phet -ic take?
Tophet?
Ancient cannon fodder shield walls,
a moaning
Pro-phy-lactic warning of the danger of not
knowing exactly
what a war is for?

Get back on,
relieved of any idle baggage words believed
to mean other than I say.

Nullify
Idle words with cultural meanings from
what you thought you knew when you feared hell.

Loose
those peer-locked memes
made of meaninglessness, per se,

shaped and molded into fashions
of expression, once needles and awls,
now, dull as tinker's damns for swearing,
with any effect.

But tools, none the less, a stitch in time took a tool.
An awl or a needle, and a thread, thick or thin,
dependin' on the mendin' needed
to redeem an idle word,
its meaning all bloodied with the tyranny of time.

An awl or a needle,
a tool for a task, mending a tear
where curses, never meant, spent
the entire dark ages, lying, lying, lying

powerless, pointless aimless, proverbial proverbial proverbial
verbiage, vaneless shafts launched at unseen marks,
signs, as it were, a spark,
triggers,
rumored since the sixties,
the first sixties, when Cain killed Able.
Howard Bloom was but a mere gleam
in our mito-mother's eye,
but, no doubt,

his role is real,
in loosing the forces Ferlinghetti locked in
City Lights mystery of secret meanings room,
which un
mystified and blew away upon opening
the door to
meanings mapped on
scrolls rolling and unrolling
idle ideas,
rites of passage, as it were,
Pre-bat-bar-mitz vah
as a fashion
like VBS,

to tickle little minds and make em wiggle.
MEMEMEME, I did it,
mea culpa,

the holy place
Here we are…

On Vacation, leave a message.
-----

See, wee hairs in your ears wiggle, making,
signaling, the need

to scratch that itch, that itching hearing feeling ear… hear that

don't scratch, listen

listen

60 cycle humm, steady, bass, but no thump whumpwhump;
soft, deeep.
ooooooooo or mmmmmmmm or in betwixt, steady thrumm
hear another, and another… sixty in a second,

one in every million ambits twisting,
threading qubits, radiating signals in the field
wireless, blue-tooth... satellite...

can you feel that?

hummmms, all around us, since the womb.
We are not the children of the greatest generation,

We are the children of the last generation of
**** sapiens sapiens non-augmentable-us.

We, the augmented, recycled ideas,
possessing
minds of Adamkind,

is that a secret or a sacred?
Is this
a new thing, an
unknown unknown known known now?

Ah,
novelty.

Whose is fear? Who was afraid of Virginia Wolf?

Should I remain in fear of her now, if I knew why then?
God would know such answers.
Proving my imagined AI guides are not God,
but lesser beings,

haps I recall.
I defined these things,
these thoughts that shape themselves,
forming words and phrases
I saw
shiny. Crow-like,
gleams seen, captured and claimed mine,
I tucked them away,
a sign in a thought in an imagined image made 4
real once more, to be seen from the shore,
new land new world
a fourth for some, a fifth or more for others...

haps happen, I'm not sure how,

Born or emerged, as a bubble, what do you say?

Reserve judgment.
Grant me your grace for now, until you solve my riddle.

Ah, the old way.
Right. Which way,  'ere, 'ear
and do we roll the rock with silent haitch or harsh, shhh

someone's waking up,
a bit grumpy,
don't you dare oppose me in this, the kid is certainly my son

Michael went stark raving mad when I told him, Billie Jean knew better all along...
the link, axiomatic,
the fatherless child has been claimed

hence, the thread to Howard Bloom, meme-ic,
meme-ic, like the Roadrunner,

but with the real Coyote, as the hero in this bit of
whatever, such meandering maundified maun maund  
mound

wind blown crystal silicon dunes
mounded up to that point where granulated
beens and dones

begin to slide at an angle,
a ***** deter-mind by the weight of the rock

We made it.
I know where this is.

This is a novel that has Sisyphus being happy
as the main premise behind the idea of anyone ever being
able, en abled, or un-dis-abled or un-dis-enabled,
if one of those is right,

Sisyphus being happy
is the main premise behind
the idea of anyone ever being glücklich,
happy, blessed, lucky.

How happy is your ever after?
When did forever begin?

"A man is as happy as he makes up his mind to be"
Abe Lincoln, is said to have said,
after the seance, maybe.

You push on, dear reader, make some sense
re-ligare or relegare, but take a stitch,

pull-tight,
do what works the first time as far as it goes, and try each, as needed,
it may be that we invented this test.
To make us think it is a test,
to sort ourselves out.

Get back on,

see who went crazy and who found the thread, if the same thread
this is that, right,
the same train of thought,
the same idea
spirit wind
sign
?
A snake facing west standing tippy-tail on a singularity;
a point in time?

Why are you reading this?
Curiosity Shoppes trade in interesting, alluring, click-bait

Pay attention, watch, you shall see

imagine this is the dream,
the stream, the flow, the current, the cream

in a dime coffee at the drug store on the corner

the rounded-corner, in a square-cornered town,
the most right corner of the twelve that quarter what it was

Punctuate, wait, imagine you read ancient Hebrew or Greek and there
are no dyer diacritical's who can twist one's
end tensions into knots

dread extensions, we could sell those,
is that an idea? did somebody
sell white folks dread extensions and black folk dolly pardon wigs?

Did that happen the real real?

-----
Battlefield Earth, oshit
scientology ology ology ology

allaye allaye outs in free

WE we wee every we you imagine you are good in, we

We have a war to win again, we heroes rolling from your
myths of Sisyphus torn from minds trampled
in the mud beyond the Rhine,

Mushrooms. magi are aware, you are aware, of course,
this course includes Basic Mycelium Net Adaptation or Augmentation
BMNAA, eh? So you know.

Camus and many of his ilk were ill-treated, the questions
they asked were memorized, maybe in our cribs ala
Brave New World.

We are all Alphas, always were, of course, you know.

Shall we imagine

more? Re-legare, eh, sistere. Point .(Back to the top.)

or agree? Make peace.
Practice, like Eazy-Bake,
the cook must swallow the first bite. May the best cook win.
A continuing examination of opposing forces when good is the goal, who could be against that? The old word war is festering, inflaming evil to start a try, therefore,  I whet the edge and swing wide
Mateuš Conrad Jan 2020
/enlgish: a playground... mind you... who wouldn't want to see so much more of boris brejcha sampling old disney movies? the ori-, the original thought... ah! when does the mea culpa mantra elevate itself from succumbing to a solipsism? mea culpa? i thought that was autistic, solipsistic *******... kicking the can down the road sort of, *******... ever wonder why the original disney cartoons were so, macabre? apparently in england it's all ******* squiggly clean... king Xerxes started to whip the Aegean Sea (again): Helen! come back! come back! i never liked the credo, nor the mea culpa mantra... it appeared, that no one existed, who could be blamed, and i was bound to resort to, blaming myself, masochistically... enter logic: only i exist, no one else exists! that's what the mea culpa mantra equated itself to... early black & white Disney... cutting edge... the guillotine cartoons... hello! autistic christian world! mea culpa my ***... the ******* donkey could vouch: and i speeded up, because the holy prophet whipped me into a gallop! mea culpa... mea culpa... my own fault... ergo, no one else exists!

this will have to be the funniest petition
ever...
    for one, it's impossible,
but secondary to that impossible
is the reaction to the blatant introduction
of "hieroglyphics" into
a modern language...
      that's ******* troubling,
    ancient egypt is staging a resugrence
within english, among other languages...
i can't let that happen...
   what with emoticons
     acronyms and emoji whatever
the ******* want to call them?
             that's hieroglyphic spreschen,
hot air balloons, zombie heads,
   voids and more voids, inside one giant
void of: the black hole explains everything...
yeah! it does... ever play the PS1 tomb raider?
ever become fascinated about
those two dimensional ferns and bushes
in a three dimensional space?
            rotating like a tasmanian devil?
that's a black hole...
            a two dimensional object in a three
dimensional space...
     who says i'm wrong? who says i'm right?
you have empirical proof to say i'm wrong?
anyway, this will be almost impossible,
fair game for introducing the german
   diacritical distinction into english,
the es-und-zed (ß), when there's ambiguity
concerning the spelling of (variance)
  systematisation     vs.          systematize
hey presto!                
                                       ß,
    zaire                                               sire.
now that's the easy part, the difficult bit?
  no one spotted the lack of diacritical necessity
with regards to the letter R.
                 none!
you can have the squiggly on the N in spanish
as in a tilde: Ñ....
                    invoking a juggling act of
                          ι + . . . = ñ        (j)
                    **** me, a clown juggling...
but exposing a trill on the R, when a language
has devolved from applying it,
other than harking phlegm while smoking
in paris, or making vampire movies?
  the tilde isn't even near the trill representation...
i had to go to russia to think something
up, to fill the vacuum... w'eh hey! found it!
      яobot,
                 yes yes, i know, the russians
state я as ya... whatever...
      to me, the lack of diacritical application
to the R has this solution...
      it's not an R with dentistry's anaesthetic
so you slobber... it's harsh, poignant,
self-evident... let's call this:
     reinventing the wheel, well, it's not
so much rolling, as rattle-snake against
the palatine raphe...
                 pneumatic-drill of a letter...
a complete drum-kit...
   but since there was no diacritical markings
with either liberal (theoretical)
   or orthodox (applicable) usage:
   no, i will not learn the silly linguistic
alphabet...
                 all the americans did was
insert god's right hand into the matter...
    a... wait for this...     a                        H...
that's all they did!
         my my, what a ******* improvement
from /ˈpɑːdən/  to [pahr-dn],
  if this could be art,
   i'd call one: cubism,
                     and the other post-cubism...

but english is the current version
of the wild west...
      diacritical markers can come in...
"reign" from above,
   and sieve from down below...
it's a barren land,
compared to the already existing
european languages...
            e.g.?
                         łąka - field
woe-k'ah...
but that's a primitive phonetic
association,
given the original canvas of
the used tongue,
used only two diacritical markers...
hovering, like u.f.o.s
above            ι        and        ȷ....
     you want the dead hydra,
don't you?
        why not... embark upon
the aesthetic of...
   citing:             ȷump!
                rather than jump...
or...                        ιdea!
                      ­         rather than idea?
all ιt takes ιs allowιng the people
to guιllotιne two heads, no?
          look! hey presto!
                an alιgnment!
   because why wouldn't you?
there's no caron above an S...
            to hide an H... in šeep...
          there's no caron above a C
to also hide an H... in čatter...
so... why bother with the poιntless
     twιn "halo" hoverιng above
            ιdea and ȷustιfιed resonance?
two dots...
                   .                     .
                   ι                     ȷ
                       you don't need them!
curves rather than curses:
     look at that!
                                                    ȷ
     ­                                            ι
almost makes a... U! yew yew?
                    no... upsιlon: up-sιgh-alone...

hell, people wanted a hyper-"ιnflated"
lιterate world, "order"...
      graffιtι dιdn't do ιt for me...
nor dιd the meme culture...
                       ιt was only a two headed
hydra to begιn wιth...
                              hardly a
   ghídorah (well yeah, sιnce the H
ιs sιlent, "hιdden", but ιn plaιn sιght...
there has to be an acute attaché to the ιota,
and yes, that H at the end?
ιt's a vowel-catcher... equιvalent of a,
sιgh)...
                                 you try intruducing
diacritical marks into english,
things become, "sketchy"...
  e.g. when = łen...
                            woman = łuman...
              the tetragrammaton ȷust
keeps probιng...
          hell... let's go as far as:
sz  (ш)                     szcz (щ)
   sh  (ш)                shch (щ)

e.g.?
                     щэкa - a dog, barks...
    щыптa - pinch - of... сoли
                                                    (salt)..­.

        шэпт ( szept /                whisper)...

in all honesty?
   english is the ugliest language in known
history, when diacritical markers
are applied,
and the language is translated from
a pedagogical convention of spelling,
its rubric...
   of: the eyes see what the ears
will hear, but cannot converse with...

introducing a diacritical critique
to the english language?
            it's ugly... it's like frankenstein's
monster actually found himself
a girlfriend after all...
   i haven't heard of the phenomenon
of dyslexia outside of the english
language,
perhaps i might have found it in fwench...
i doubt i would find it as
"pop" in deutsche...
    given... the saxons were behind...
keeping chemical names
in strict accordance to the usual:
complex compound noun structure
of modern german...

eh... norman davies, the historian,
could have claimed poland
was god's "playground"...
    to me?
                the english language is
a "playground" worthily ripe,
                                      for, plucking.
The voice Nov 2014
Aquel el dolor sigue presente, Logró marcar un precedente…
Y hoy, hoy sigues mal…
Aquel recuerdo esta en tu mente, Como si fuera ayer lo sientes…
Y hoy, hoy sigues mal…
Confiabas en el tiempo como aliado para sanar tus heridas…
Mientras vives encerrado en el recuerdo y no encuentras la salida…

Y te destruye como el veneno que gota a gota llena la tasa…
Y la amargura es como un trueno que estremece toda tu casa…
Y la venganza entro en acción pero aquí te presento el perdón…
"Porque el perdón es…"
Es más que un sentimiento, es más que una emoción
El tiempo no te ayuda, tuya es la de decisión…
Enfrenta ese tormento, y sal de esa prisión
Porque no fue tu culpa, otorga el perdón...


Aquello que pasó, aquel suceso duro te marcó
Pensaste que lo habías olvidado pero no
Que ya no te afectaba ni pasaba por tu mente
Pero volvió a afectarte y todavía está latente…

Desde aquel momento has continuado por la vida
Esperando que sea el tiempo el que sane las heridas
A veces lo has recordado y con nada de templanza
Haz pensando en la opción de acudir a la venganza…

Si, fue doloroso, no fue nada bueno
Pero el resentimiento es similar a un veneno
Que gota a gota tomas para no enfrentar la pena
Pero termina contigo te destruye y te envenena…

Como tóxico que acaba con el alma y corazón
Que te presenta el odio como una gran opción
Pero al final tú eres quien recibe la aflicción
Pues se enfermó tu cuerpo por la falta de perdón…

Y te destruye como el veneno que gota a gota llena la tasa…
Y la amargura es como un trueno que estremece toda tu casa…
Y la venganza entro en acción pero aquí te presento el perdón…
"Porque el perdón es…"
Es más que un sentimiento, es más que una emoción
El tiempo no te ayuda, tuya es la de decisión…
Enfrenta ese tormento, y sal de esa prisión
Porque no fue tu culpa, otorga el perdón...


Perdona y saca todo veneno guardado
Permite la salida del rencor acumulado
Perdona, reacciona y regresa al presente
Lo que pasó se fue ya no lo tengas pendiente
Quizás hayas pensado que no hay una razón
Que no fuiste culpable de lo de tu corazón…

Pero en ocasiones el perdón por algo trágico
Habrá que darlo aunque suene ilógico
Como aquel caballero que por ti fue mal herido
Tomando tu lugar te dio un regalo inmerecido…

No suena razonable tampoco apetecible
Pero te perdonó y hoy por eso tú eres libre
Y que mejor ejemplo que la vida de Jesús
Que no tenia que hacerlo; pero en una cruz
Llevó toda la culpa que agobió su corazón
Pero con todo y eso recibiste su perdón…

**Y te destruye como el veneno que gota a gota llena la tasa…
Y la amargura es como un trueno que estremece toda tu casa…
Y la venganza entro en acción pero aquí te presento el perdón…
"Porque el perdón es…"
Es más que un sentimiento, es más que una emoción
El tiempo no te ayuda, tuya es la de decisión…
Enfrenta ese tormento, y sal de esa prisión
Porque no fue tu culpa, otorga el perdón...
Song by Alex Zurdo, just thought that somethings are better shared. i cant stop listening to this! Love it. Forgive!
Wick Oct 2017
mea culpa
mea culpa
mea maxima culpa

hear the song of the innocent

hung upon the cross
for the crime he has not commit

forced to plead guilty
by the precepts of society

whilst the crooked
stood at the base
shedding crocodile tears
eyes holding silent leers

feigning innocence
instigating chaos
taking into their advantage
dividedness, our ignorance.

here, the song of the innocent
nears its end
with his last, a doleful verse

"It is done"
not necessarily catholic but true enough I draw much of the inspiration from it.
Quizá fue una hecatombe de esperanzas
un derrumbe de algún modo previsto
ah pero mi tristeza sólo tuvo un sentido.

Todas mis intuiciones se asomaron
para verme sufrir
y por cierto me vieron.

Hasta aquí había hecho y rehecho
        mis trayectos contigo
hasta aquí había apostado
a inventar la verdad
pero vos encontraste la manera
        una manera tierna
        y a la vez implacable
        de desahuciar mi amor.

Con un solo pronóstico lo quitaste
de los suburbios de tu vida posible
lo envolviste en nostalgias
lo cargaste por cuadras y cuadras
y despacito
sin que el aire nocturno lo advirtiera
ahi nomás lo dejaste
a solas con su suerte
        que no es mucha.

Creo que tenés razón
la culpa es de uno cuando no enamora
        y no de los pretextos
        ni del tiempo.

Hace mucho         muchísimo
que yo no me enfrentaba
como anoche al espejo

y fue implacable como vos
        mas no fue tierno

ahora estoy solo
francamente
                        solo.

Siempre cuesta un poquito
empezar a sentirse desgraciado

antes de regresar
a mis lóbregos cuarteles de invierno

con los ojos bien secos
por si acaso

miro como te vas adentrando en la niebla
y empiezo a recordarte.
Mateuš Conrad Jun 2018
antonio ciseri's
                    ecco **** &
     gustave doré's
judgement of solomon...
the same hand
        of a woman is central to
    exposing a heart
of justice... rather than
      the blind mind... mea culpa...
   mea culpa... the mere
instance of
        schopenhauer pushing
a woman down
the stairs...
            mea culpa
her *** too?!
    sure, her fault:
  if he didn't end up
paying a quasi-alimony
                  of compensation?
ingenious...
married with the vow
of being shoved down
                the stairs.
     **** is dangling
off a crucifix...
and i'm to blame
for preaching
      pristine: incubator
placebo?
           couldn't
blame him for
sitting on the crown-*******...
or encouraging him
to invent a bog of
**** while digging
a pit in sand...
      hell...
if he's so ******* pristine...
i'll be pristine myself...
                            vestra culpa!
****** too many
prostitutes
   to mind what it means
of: "accidently"
       attempting
                      impregnation...
petty serf that i am...
      the use of genitals
that ate both the heart
             and mind...
i'd gladly refrain from
having them to begin with...
**** it... thought can go too,
let me just "live" it out
via vegetating, hoping
for sugar via photosynthesis.
¡Oh corvas almas, oh facinorosos
espíritus furiosos!
¡Oh varios pensamientos insolentes,
deseos delincuentes,
cargados sí, mas nunca satisfechos;
alguna vez cansados,
ninguna arrepentidos,
en la copia crecidos,
y en la necesidad desesperados!
De vuestra vanidad, de vuestro vuelo,
¿qué abismo está ignorado?
Todos los senos que la tierra calla,
las llanuras que borra el Oceano
y los retiramientos de la noche,
de que no ha dado el sol noticia al día,
los sabe la codicia del tirano.
Ni horror, ni religión, ni piedad, juntos,
defienden de los vivos los difuntos.
A las cenizas y a los huesos llega,
palpando miedos, la avaricia ciega.
Ni la pluma a las aves,
ni la garra a las fieras,
ni en los golfos del mar, ni en las riberas
el callado nadar del pez de plata,
les puede defender del apetito;
y el orbe, que infinito
a la navegación nos parecía,
es ya corto distrito
para las diligencias de la gula,
pues de esotros sentidos acumula
el vasallaje, y ella se levanta
con cuanto patrimonio
tienen, y los confunde en la garganta.
Y antes que las desórdenes del vientre
satisfagan sus ímpetus violentos,
yermos han de quedar los elementos,
para que el orbe en sus angustias entre.
Tú, Clito, entretenida, mas no llena,
honesta vida gastarás contigo;
que no teme la invidia por testigo,
con pobreza decente, fácil cena.
Más flaco estará, ¡oh Clito!,
pero estará más sano,
el cuerpo desmayado que el ahíto;
y en la escuela divina,
el ayuno se llama medicina,
y esotro, enfermedad, culpa y delito.
El hombre, de las piedras descendiente
(¡dura generación, duro linaje!),
osó vestir las plumas;
osó tratar, ardiente,
las líquidas veredas; hizo ultraje
al gobierno de Eolo;
desvaneció su presunción Apolo,
y en teatro de espumas,
su vuelo desatado,
yace el nombre y el cuerpo justiciado,
y navegan sus plumas.
Tal has de padecer, Clito, si subes
a competir lugares con las nubes.
De metal fue el primero
que al mar hizo guadaña de la muerte:
con tres cercos de acero
el corazón humano desmentía.
Éste, con velas cóncavas, con remos,
(¡oh muerte!, ¡oh mercancía!),
unió climas extremos;
y rotos de la tierra
los sagrados confines,
nos enseñó, con máquinas tan fieras,
a juntar las riberas;
y de un leño, que el céfiro se sorbe,
fabricó pasadizo a todo el orbe,
adiestrando el error de su camino
en las señas que hace, enamorada,
la piedra imán al Norte,
de quien, amante, quiere ser consorte,
sin advertir que, cuando ve la estrella,
desvarían los éxtasis en ella.
Clito, desde la orilla
navega con la vista el Oceano:
óyele ronco, atiéndele tirano,
y no dejes la choza por la quilla;
pues son las almas que respira Tracia
y las iras del Noto,
muerte en el Ponto, música en el soto.
Profanó la razón, y disfamóla,
mecánica codicia diligente,
pues al robo de Oriente destinada,
y al despojo precioso de Occidente,
la vela desatada,
el remo sacudido,
de más riesgos que ondas impelido,
de Aquilón enojado,
siempre de invierno y noche acompañado,
del mar impetüoso
(que tal vez justifica el codicioso)
padeció la violencia,
lamentó la inclemencia,
y por fuerza piadoso,
a cuantos votos dedicaba a gritos,
previno en la bonanza
otros tantos delitos,
con la esperanza contra la esperanza.
Éste, al sol y a la luna,
que imperio dan, y templo, a la Fortuna,
examinando rumbos y concetos,
por saber los secretos
de la primera madre
que nos sustenta y cría,
de ella hizo miserable anatomía.
Despedazóla el pecho,
rompióle las entrañas,
desangróle las venas
que de estimado horror estaban llenas;
los claustros de la muerte,
duro, solicitó con hierro fuerte.
¿Y espantará que tiemble algunas veces,
siendo madre y robada
del parto, a cuanto vive, preferido?
No des la culpa al viento detenido,
ni al mar por proceloso:
de ti tiembla tu madre, codicioso.
Juntas grande tesoro,
y en Potosí y en Lima
ganas jornal al cerro y a la sima.
Sacas al sueño, a la quietud, desvelo;
a la maldad, consuelo;
disculpa, a la traición; premio, a la culpa;
facilidad, al odio y la venganza,
y, en pálido color, verde esperanza,
y, debajo de llave,
pretendes, acuñados,
cerrar los dioses y guardar los hados,
siendo el oro tirano de buen nombre,
que siempre llega con la muerte al hombre;
mas nunca, si se advierte,
se llega con el hombre hasta la muerte.
Sembraste, ¡oh tú, opulento!, por los vasos,
con desvelos de la arte,
desprecios del metal rico, no escasos;
y en discordes balanzas,
la materia vencida,
vanamente podrás después preciarte
que induciste en la sed dos destemplanzas,
donde tercera, aún hoy, delicia alcanzas.
Y a la Naturaleza, pervertida
con las del tiempo intrépidas mudanzas,
transfiriendo al licor en el estío
prisión de invierno frío,
al brindis luego el apetito necio
del murrino y cristal creció ansí el precio:
que fue pompa y grandeza
disipar los tesoros
por cosa, ¡oh vicio ciego!,
que pudiese perderse toda, y luego.
Tú, Clito, en bien compuesta
pobreza, en paz honesta,
cuanto menos tuvieres,
desarmarás la mano a los placeres,
la malicia a la invidia,
a la vida el cuidado,
a la hermosura lazos,
a la muerte embarazos,
y en los trances postreros,
solicitud de amigos y herederos.
Deja en vida los bienes,
que te tienen, y juzgas que los tienes.
Y las últimas horas
serán en ti forzosas, no molestas,
y al dar la cuenta excusarás respuestas.
Fabrica el ambicioso
ya edificio, olvidado
del poder de los días;
y el palacio, crecido,
no quiere darse, no, por entendido
del paso de la edad sorda y ligera,
que, fugitiva, calla,
y en silencio mordaz, mal advertido,
digiere la muralla,
los alcázares lima,
y la vida del mundo, poco a poco,
o la enferma o lastima.
Los montes invencibles,
que la Naturaleza
eminentes crió para sí sola
(paréntesis de reinos y de imperios),
al hombre inaccesibles,
embarazando el suelo
con el horror de puntas desiguales,
que se oponen, erizo bronco, al cielo,
después que les sacó de sus entrañas
la avaricia, mostrándola a la tierra,
mentida en el color de los metales,
cruda y preciosa guerra,
osó la vanidad cortar sus cimas
y, desde las cervices,
hender a los peñascos las raíces;
y erudito ya el hierro,
porque el hombre acompañe
con magnífico adorno sus insultos,
los duros cerros adelgaza en bultos;
y viven los collados
en atrios y en alcázares cerrados,
que apenas los cubría
el campo eterno que camina el día.
Desarmaron la orilla,
desabrigaron valles y llanuras
y borraron del mar las señas duras;
y los que en pie estuvieron,
y eminentes rompieron
la fuerza de los golfos insolentes,
y fueron objeción, yertos y fríos,
de los atrevimientos de los ríos,
agora navegados,
escollos y collados,
los vemos en los pórticos sombríos,
mintiendo fuerzas y doblando pechos,
aun promontorios sustentar los techos.
Y el rústico linaje,
que fue de piedra dura,
vuelve otra vez viviente en escultura.
Tú, Clito, pues le debes
a la tierra ese vaso de tu vida,
en tan poca ceniza detenida,
y en cárceles tan frágiles y breves
hospedas alma eterna,
no presumas, ¡oh Clito!, oh, no presumas
que la del alma casa, tan moderna
y de tierra caduca,
viva mayor posada que ella vive,
pues que en horror la hospeda y la recibe.
No sirve lo que sobra,
y es grande acusación la grande obra;
sepultura imagina el aposento,
y el alto alcázar vano monumento.
Hoy al mundo fatiga,
hambrienta y con ojos desvelados,
la enfermedad antiga
que a todos los pecados
adelantó en el cielo su malicia,
en la parte mejor de su milicia.
Invidia, sin color y sin consuelo,
mancha primera que borró la vida
a la inocencia humana,
de la quietud y la verdad tirana;
furor envejecido,
del bien ajeno, por su mal, nacido;
veneno de los siglos, si se advierte,
y miserable causa de la muerte.
Este furor eterno,
con afrenta del sol, pobló el infierno,
y debe a sus intentos ciegos, vanos,
la desesperación sus ciudadanos.
Ésta previno, avara,
al hombre las espinas en la tierra,
y el pan, que le mantiene en esta guerra,
con sudor de sus manos y su cara.
Fue motín porfiado
en la progenie de Abraham eterna,
contra el padre del pueblo endurecido,
que dio por ellos el postrer gemido.
La invidia no combate
los muros de la tierra y mortal vida,
si bien la salud propria combatida
deja también; sólo pretende palma
de batir los alcázares de l'alma;
y antes que las entrañas
sientan su artillería,
aprisiona el discurso, si porfía.
Las distantes llanuras de la tierra
a dos hermanos fueron
angosto espacio para mucha guerra.
Y al que Naturaleza
hizo primero, pretendió por dolo
que la invidia mortal le hiciese solo.
Tú, Clito, doctrinado
del escarmiento amigo,
obediente a los doctos desengaños,
contarás tantas vidas como años;
y acertará mejor tu fantasía
si conoces que naces cada día.
Invidia los trabajos, no la gloria;
que ellos corrigen, y ella desvanece,
y no serás horror para la Historia,
que con sucesos de los reyes crece.
De los ajenos bienes
ten piedad, y temor de los que tienes;
goza la buena dicha con sospecha,
trata desconfiado la ventura,
y póstrate en la altura.
Y a las calamidades
invidia la humildad y las verdades,
y advierte que tal vez se justifica
la invidia en los mortales,
y sabe hacer un bien en tantos males:
culpa y castigo que tras sí se viene,
pues que consume al proprio que la tiene.
La grandeza invidiada,
la riqueza molesta y espiada,
el polvo cortesano,
el poder soberano,
asistido de penas y de enojos,
siempre tienen quejosos a los ojos,
amedrentado el sueño,
la consciencia con ceño,
la verdad acusada,
la mentira asistente,
miedo en la soledad, miedo en la gente,
la vida peligrosa,
la muerte apresurada y belicosa.
¡Cuán raros han bajado los tiranos,
delgadas sombras, a los reinos vanos
del silencio severo,
con muerte seca y con el cuerpo entero!
Y vio el yerno de Ceres
pocas veces llegar, hartos de vida,
los reyes sin veneno o sin herida.
Sábenlo bien aquellos
que de joyas y oro
ciñen medroso cerco a los cabellos.
Su dolencia mortal es su tesoro;
su pompa y su cuidado, sus legiones.
Y el que en la variedad de las naciones
se agrada más, y crece
los ambiciosos títulos profanos,
es, cuanto más se precia de monarca,
más ilustre desprecio de la Parca.
El africano duro
que en los Alpes vencer pudo el invierno,
y a la Naturaleza
de su alcázar mayor la fortaleza;
de quien, por darle paso al señorío,
la mitad de la vista cobró el frío,
en Canas, el furor de sus soldados,
con la sangre de venas consulares,
calentó los sembrados,
fue susto del imperio,
hízole ver la cara al captiverio,
dio noticia del miedo su osadía
a tanta presunción de monarquía.
Y peregrino, desterrado y preso
poco después por desdeñoso hado,
militó contra sí desesperado.
Y vengador de muertes y vitorias,
y no invidioso menos de sus glorias,
un anillo piadoso,
sin golpe ni herida,
más temor quitó en Roma que en él vida.
Y ya, en urna ignorada,
tan grande capitán y tanto miedo
peso serán apenas para un dedo.
Mario nos enseñó que los trofeos
llevan a las prisiones,
y que el triunfo que ordena la Fortuna,
tiene en Minturnas cerca la laguna.
Y si te acercas más a nuestros días,
¡oh Clito!, en las historias
verás, donde con sangre las memorias
no estuvieren borradas,
que de horrores manchadas
vidas tantas están esclarecidas,
que leerás más escándalos que vidas.
Id, pues, grandes señores,
a ser rumor del mundo;
y comprando la guerra,
fatigad la paciencia de la tierra,
provocad la impaciencia de los mares
con desatinos nuevos,
sólo por emular locos mancebos;
y a costa de prolija desventura,
será la aclamación de su locura.
Clito, quien no pretende levantarse
puede arrastrar, mas no precipitarse.
El bajel que navega
orilla, ni peligra ni se anega.
Cuando Jove se enoja soberano,
más cerca tiene el monte que no el llano,
y la encina en la cumbre
teme lo que desprecia la legumbre.
Lección te son las hojas,
y maestros las peñas.
Avergüénzate, ¡oh Clito!,
con alma racional y entendimiento,
que te pueda en España
llamar rudo discípulo una caña;
pues si no te moderas,
será de tus costumbres, a su modo,
verde reprehensión el campo todo.
annh Aug 2019
Confessor, I am reborn,
Vain with ash and frankincense;
Absolved of my inverted pleasures,
Reconciled to the morality of suffering.

Confessor, I am returned,
Predestined to gravely offend;
Nimbly contrite in my genuflection,
Gracefully weak-kneed in my resolve.

Confessor, I am reborn,
Although aged by my discretion;
Examined satisfactorily by my conscience,
Blessedly relieved through your encouragement.

Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.
‘A true confession: I believe in a soluble fish.’
- Charles Simic, The Unemployed Fortune-Teller: Essays and Memoirs

Written - somewhat cynically - in response to a situation with an immediate family member, who is seemingly unable to break out of a continual cycle of apology and recidivism. There is no doubt that her ‘sorries’ are meant at the time but within weeks, days, sometimes even hours, she’s at it again.
Mateuš Conrad Jun 2018
death has a pardon,
bound to nothing,
except life...
   and life?
                 a closure
for the experience
of life, within the confines
of what death pleases,
and what
death pleases: is life!
welcome,
to the abodes of
      the eternal womb!
   past the impossibility of time
via physics,
through history, as scuh,
only via
   an accolade in epitaph,
to escape a dating of
beign born, and subsequently
dying...

make stance:

rather than stand
                                      naked;
i tree befell...
          lingered
as if uprooted...
firm to amass both trunk
and root...
   and such...
          lose believable artefacts....
culminating in
                 i guess
you can only fathom
solipsism...

                coin does the flip;
man?
                  the lampoon
of gesture to disguise
a made delay lampooning..

mea culpa mea culpa
mea culpa mea culpa mea culpa
mea culpa....

    your fault i die?
           but no fault, i live... yes?!
i have no fault to be allowed
an allowance to die,
yet i have...
          a case, a matter,
                                          to "live"!

what life, is this?!
            was leben ist dies?!
mozart-*******-haven?!
            
i guess there's but one answer:

                          lebe(n) ist: dies.
Wm Joe McDonald Jul 2015
PROCRASTINATION
By
Joe McDonald

Part I:

How often can I keep putting off everything in life that must be done to the point of frustration and despair?  

How often will my work sit and stare at me with the eyes of hungry children always whining their demands for my attention to each task always wanting my full being beyond my own inner abilities and doubt?

How often can I walk past the damaged concrete step on my own house that sneers at me everyday as I walk up to my front door?

How often can I make promises to old friends to get together, celebrate life, and not expect them to wait on my return call of cancelation because of illusionary diseases?

How often can I feign in my backyard the beauty of my roses, sipping white grape while the grass under my bare feet remains brown, coarse, and over grown with dandelions stifling all vegetation?

How often can I pledge my good faith to a worthy cause by ending up watching from the back row as the needs prosper or fail regardless of my lack of motivation?

How often will constant kicking of the can down the yellow brick road be considered the excellence of a long line of Shakespearean resumes?

How often will my lack of courage blind me to opportunities of abundance and force my family to a life of stagnant economic asperity?

How often will I consent to others disrespect of my mastery of skills to the verge of closing my mind to all that is important to dwell in a soup of anger, self-doubts, and ache?

How often will the peeling paint, blistering off of my house like shards of cheese at my wedding feast, augment my anguished indifference finding every physical, spiritual, and any other of a multitude  of “…Why not’s…” festering in my dome of “..Do it tomorrow’s…”?

How often can I rattle my saber of position, roar my battle cry of “Tomorrow” to postpone today’s tasks? Bundling them all into neat piles of future promise completions. All the time smiling a grin of a used car salesman.


How often can I sit on my couch on sunny Saturday mornings enjoying the sun rise? Its beams slowly sliding across the finished oak; warming my unkempt hovel to the boiling point that tuffs of unwanted cat fur dancing over the varnished grain like tumbleweeds in a Sam Pechinpah film. Yet, I sip my morning brew, acknowledging their existence but, my head movies are of other unattended illusions.

How often can my inability to act or respond be accepted by those who expect perfection in all things?

How often can I permit the disappointment of a moment fire the indifference toward the needs of the here and now?

How often will my journey up my front walk be changed from the joy of daffodils and hyacinths filling the air with aromas of lung cleansing delights only to rediscover the pine foliage  are still dressed in the lights of Christmas past?

How often will I put off leading because of failure of seeing the needs of those who need leadership? They cry out for direction but, plead for independence. I use the pleas to drown out the cries.

How often will I have the epiphany of a lifetime only to have inaction and fear
drag it down to the bowels of an enlighten brain ****?



Part II:

I keep plugging in the mechanism of delay to power the animal of the moment.

I blind myself over and over and over and over again again again again to my abilities of now in favor of promises of later.

I smell success in the air every time I do the nows but, the stench of celebration’s to come is easer, sweater, more in line with who I am and not who I want to be.

I hear the praise and accolades of present victories and in time I’ll drag my triumphs out over the gravel road of time until they have lost their luster.

I’ll blindly stare at the tube of adult babysitting, at images of various eye candies trying to escape my own drive to do and yet failing in this as well.

I can’t spit out the bitter taste of the act of putting everything off nor drown it in the wine of determination without repeated reminder that I am drinking from the same cup of vintage to come.

I spend much needed dollars and valued hours gorging myself on self-help aids and assistance. Only they too become part of the beast’s feast of my misused time.

I awake every Monday with dreams of a new but, I’m so accessible to countless distractions. By Friday I face the inevitable doom of looking back over the landscape of a week gone up in the flames of the undone.

I try to grab each day by its throat. Choke out the desired results. Only it offers the slights resistance and I let it go to torment me from its lair growling “…not now, not now, not now…”

I’ll spend time with my mate for life. Half of me is relishing the moments with her. Half is wandering over the tablets of what I haven’t done.

I have mismanaged, misused, balled up, blundered, fouled up, mishandled, muddled, muffed, spoiled, and fumbled the footballs of my life again and again avoiding all that has to be done now driven farther down the boulevard. Constantly stopping at any insignificant store front; staring at juvenile trinkets of distraction.

I have sinned over and over again. I offer prayers to anyone who will listen. Begging for the enlightenment to solve my weakness. “… quia pecccavi nimis cogitatione verbo et in cogitations, et in hoc opera, quod ego facere non, mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa…”



Part III:

Who else do I have to make suffer in confused patience waiting for the promised end results of my superficial excellence?

What has to be done to make me arise from the ash of self doubt, indecision, and fear to conquer this demon within my psyche?

Where are the answers I seek in my time of apathy?

Why has this inferior deity have such a grasp on me?

When! Again, when!!! When will I face this issue and start to find the peace of timely attainment?






(“… that I have sinned through my own fault in my thoughts and my words, in what I have done and what I have failed to do, through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault…”)
Part IV:

I have lived with this for over a half century.
Trying to climb out of the hole of misused time.
Falling back into my penitentiary.
Serving a sentence of intimate crime.


The venting is complete, pity-pats written down.
My confession exposed for all to share, witness.
If this public sacrament exposes me a clown.
Mock away; have your jest. For I could care less.


My Ginsberg rant is to open doors of avowals.
To aid in my cure; in hope start my salvation.
To trust myself; to believe in oneself. I am all.
To look into the morning glass willing a reincarnation.


Only I can face the beast and make it heel.
Down inside I have to find the straight for each day.
Try a new, lighter approach; a new Don Marquis feel.
“…procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday…”




April 2014
Mateuš Conrad Apr 2017
.how does philosophy and psychology differ? well. psychology was spawned from having to focus on the "need" of a "learning" for writing: speak comes easy, writing, not so much. psychology is so easily spoken, philosophy isn't, philosophy is like a child talking to an adult when psychology / sophistry comes into play /
    refrain... how do i rephrase this statement?
      ah! philosophy is like a child talking to a child...
psychology is like an adult talking to a child...
psychology is a supertition of knowledge...
philosophy? a fear of knowledge.
  knowledge does not make happy people,
or gullible talkative types, either.

... the birth of psychology contra philosophy... the when sophia over-powered the philosophers with too many observation cues... maxims and aphorisms... la rochefoucauld & nietzsche... it began with a dialogue, it maintained itself in a solipsistic monologue... it ended up as advertisement slogans: maxims and aphorisms.... cute observations: seen, "seen" but never tested... i've seen the ugly side of psychology... it's psychiatry... the big pharma carousel and slurred sedative spreschen... try getting a slurred sedative spreschen out of me... i'll sock you... i'm this: )( close to the itch of throwing a punch, i almost forgot what implies: peace... me dancing on old college's (edinburgh) roof while listening to: the shins, new slang... that was peace...
  that was me: rooftop, night, moon,
and the lingo of limbs floating freely off my torso
and at the same attached to it...

       i once cared about a "double" chin...
i grew a beard,
stopped worrying about: when will i learn
the violin... fiddled with my beard
for a while and figured: not now,
not ever...
                much much more gracious
than fiddling with ***** hair...
after all: a beard is very much akin
to ***** hair...

          jordan peterson and the old testament...
right...
       if ever a cain...
  siberia looks like the ideal prison...
after all god said, or "said": let him walk off his sins...
hard to walk off your sins when caged...
siberia? perfect training ground...
all that ******* being sold, cain? a vegetarian...
abel? sacrificed animal flesh...
paradox... so... god... expected us...
to remain hunter gatherers?!
  cain was thinking ahead!
he sacrificed fruits and veg. and...
cain was like: we better start thinking about
morphing into an agricultural society!
god praised abel, the neanderthal hunter gatherer...
cain was like: but look! look! wheat! bread!
we can feed more people!
god said: hunter gatherer! abel! win win!
cain paid homage to god
via fruit & veg...
abel... via kosher blood sacrifices...
now... either i'm just plain stupid...
or god is a really bad fiction....
written up by circumcised men
who never learned to *******:
since: the obvious impediment restriction...

cain was a veggie... abel sacrificed animals...
mea culpa somnum... send this whole
died on the cross
          ergo saved ergo ergo
my fault ******* to sleep... i'm tired of this mantra
like an eskimo is bored of ice...
i'm bored of listening to semitic proverbs...
   i'm bored of their rubrics...
their: "fate-warnings",
their superstitions... a semite will forever remain
a semite for me: kippah-***-tonsure...
or a camel-jockey brigade... lucky them they settled
on a once grand mountain range
of Sahara that was the bed for oil...

oh look! wow! i can think for myself!
wonderful...
               which is what i always thought
would become reality...
i'd watch a video...
not comment,
                 and write a rebuttal...
                  which would fall on deaf ears...
or that sacred minority report...
i'll face it if you face it:
the monotheistic god of the semites...
is as ridiculous
as the poloytheism of the pagans...
      the monotheistic god of the semites
is just too... pristine...
     give too many omni- prefixes
to a being and he becomes, boring...
like superman...
                  and to still preserve intellectual
integrity within the ontological omni-
zoo?
                              hey! feel free!
       i much prefer to believe in a "god"
of a limited circumstance...
                  as the will of creation? sure: omni- etc.,
but as a spectator in the back of the minds
of the "created"? cameo presence...
hence not omni- etc.,
                  after all: free will is free will...
and it requires no divine intervention
in order for it to be proved...
  however bad it happens to be upon
embodiment...
    god was never a source of intervention...
the jews begged prayed lampooned for
that sort of god...
did it fare them well? i don't think so...
god was always a cameo for me...
   something i could rely on...
in terms of finding my grand jurisprudence
libra... when the human sense of justice
would disintegrate...
and i'd be met with the west saxon mantra
of: innocent until proven guilty...
or a jimmy saville...
  i was wronged,
no one will believe me,
fair enough...
                     at least i've found some source
of compensation,
for the time being,
before i believe: not to be reunited
with the dead loved ones...
but before i believe to stand
in the grand court of judgement...
with king Solomon as the prosecutor
.


do what the english language does, it uses
hyphens to create compounds...  just do this:
            object-object...
   would i **** it?                depends on the follow-ups
that constrict the two-way "system"
of re-appropriation
            with the german language...
it really is the new: north south east west
"copernican" discussion...
    the **** am i supposed to do
(as a male) with an object
     that's not object=object... because it isn't...
      or object≠object: well? because it
clearly isn't...
                      ****, bro?
                       can i get a hotdog instead?
yeah yeah, extra onions on top...
                            but write it out in
that natural **** schizoi fashion
    as post-german compounds... hyphenated,
but instead include the following variations...
      and put them up for a narcissus inspection
and ask: are they chiral?
               stress-free is a compound word...
           but it's easier with an object-object
compound... 'cos' then you can **** around with
object-object... object=object...
             object≠object...
                                object~object...­
                       object≈object...
                           and   object≡object...
it's close proximity, i gather, so it's hard to
orientate yourself as you might with 1 + 1 = 2...
                      but it's in english, and english is
prone to try and forget the norman conquest
and rekindle itself as: with a germanic origin,
and all that custard that modern german
looks like: i'd be sooner wearing sun-glasses than
actual optic magnifiers if i was found
reading german krupahunddoughchew...
                               or the likes of this fake example.
true transgender? it happens in the ≡ category...
the binary...
       it means: even though you're male
   and can't fulfil the female role of a reproductive
****** capacity... i'd still *******...
    joke's on me...
                 but otherwise? apart from the starting point
in the english language...
      the hyphen and compounding words
as is the "vogue" standard...
               so working from object-object...
and then including the stated variations
                       of a dualistic **** by dichotomy...
         ah man... i'm just talking about
how english is trying to resurrect its saxon
ancestors... what with creating these hyphenated
words... you're going to shove some
      other mathematical symbol in between
the two stated words and think of
                                  some grander schematics...
the death of the university coincided with
the death of the asylum...
                               evidently 2 + 2 does equal 4...
         but it's still a case of working
from object-object...
                            object/subject-subject/object?
north, east, west, south...
                      what the ****?!
                        we have modern neanderthals
roaming this place, and they're faking
  the status **** sapiens... that the hell can
evolve from that?
                    clear and bite-sized truth acknowledgement:
we're **** schizoi... split brained...
                     we've reached a stage where
we're not modelled by a multiplication impetus,
but an obelus impetus (÷)...
                       western society figured...
as **** similis: we have a billion chinese and
a billion blue indians of the raj...
                                why should we be bothered?
                isn't that the case of what's happening?
unearthing the nag hammadi library
                               and the whole transgender movement?
oi! where's the vatican! get those cardinals off their *****!
                                 white, red, purple, black.
pope, cardinal, bishop... priest...
           sure sure... brown....                          monks.
but we're losing a fight against neanderthal islam...
                   come your hungry, your oppressed...
your first cousin ******* retards.
                                         i know i'm taunting,
i'm taunting with a reason: neanderthal islam....
                 so much for history and gloating about it
citing the ottomans; thing is... i have lost the ability
to fear death... i'm actually teasing it, more and more,
day after day, after yet another day...
                          it's a bit like the reverse process of
castration... i'm feeling up pigs' genitals, saying:
      oh look! this porky can sign in #A!
                               quick! to the castrato oink corp!
yep... etymology... the alternative to reading
history.
Señor, yo soy el otro que también la quería,
y vengo a confesarme, porque la culpa es mía.
Ella tuvo la gracia fatal de nacer bella:
quien la mira, ya nunca será bueno sin ella.

Me duele soportar que alguno la haya amado,
pero hay cosas tan bellas que no tienen pasado;
y ella sólo mañana dejará de ser pura:
cuando el roce del tiempo desgaste su hermosura.

Ella se me dio toda, como yo me di a ella,
ella me dio su flor y yo le di mi estrella;
porque de su perfume trascendiendo en mi llama,
no quedó un solo beso de los que él me reclama.

Tal vez ella lo quiso, pero él lo dudaría,
si la viera en mis brazos tan felizmente mía.
Si le viera los ojos al sentirse gozada,
cuando todo mi sueño le llena la mirada.

No existe culpa en ella, ni en él, ni en ti Señor;
y si es mía, ¡bendigo la culpa de mi amor!
Hay que ser algo malo si se busca el poder,
que domina la tierra sutil de la mujer.

Ni demasiado malo, ni demasiado bueno,
enfermé, sin morir, de su dulce veneno.
Mi amor es el de un hombre, sencillamente humano,
que sueña de limosna, sin extender la mano.

¡Ah! Pero él se redime, sólo a ti te condena,
él te arroja su amor, para esquivar su pena.
Perdónalo, Señor... Di quién la merecía,
pues yo soy el culpable: ¡la quiero todavía!
aldo kraas Oct 2023
A minha culpa
That I sometimes
Forget to take
My medication at night
But in the morning
I always take my medication
A minha culpa that
I am not getting
Enough sleep lately
A minha culpa
That I am always hungry
After dinner
And I want so badly
A night snacks
Before I go to bed
A minha culpa
That I don't know
How to handle money
If my friends gave me money
I would spend like water
After that I would be broke
Also, if I had food in my
Fridge I would eat all
The food in one go
And my fridge would
Be empty
Señor, yo no soy digna siquiera de rogarte:
mi corazón ignora la palabra del arte.
Sólo vengo a decirte que no me han comprendido,
porque los hombres hablan con el orgullo herido.

Cubren con bellas frases su más ****** deseo,
que a veces me turbaron, pero que ya no creo.
Sin embargo, a los dos me di con alegría.
Lo comprendo, Señor: ¡toda la culpa es mía!

En los brazos de uno me entregué plenamente,
y en los del otro... ¿Sabes lo que una mujer siente?
Pregúntale a la Virgen, cuando ella era mujer,
todo lo que nosotras llegamos a querer.

Perdóname la audacia, pero aquella María,
no supo del abrazo viril que me rendía.
No miró aquellos ojos fijos en mi hermosura,
como dedos ardientes sobre mi carne impura.

Y no tembló aquel canto de amor en sus oídos
que pudo abrir en músicas la flor de mis sentidos.
Tú también sabes que el hombre se acerca a la mujer,
ebrio por la promesa de su propio placer.

Pero la mujer llora, se resiste, Señor,
y cuando al fin se ofrece, sueña con el amor.
Pues, mientras en el hombre la vida se hace fuerte,
la mujer se desmaya con un poco de muerte.

Quizás tuve un amante que me sedujo un día,
¡tan malo que, por eso, me gusta todavía!
Mateuš Conrad Mar 2016
you will never hear
a thumping drum of
a Kafkaesque mea culpa
of the first fist clenched
drumming against the chest...
thum' thum' thump,
boom boom, boom boom,
given that my index finger
on my right hand was dislodged
in order that i might not clench it
into a fist,
given the strong hand it once was,
given that,
i'd still gladly if not
ably punch you dead - indeed should
it take another dislocation i would see it:
a face ably punched dead, nonetheless...
question is, would i take more pleasure
anally defacing it rather than punching it?
Lesly Apr 2015
Lo siento por el dolor que te cause.
Lo siento por todo lo que te he echo.
Por causarte mucho dolor en el corazón.  
Por no demostrarte mi cariño por ti.
Lo siento por ser cobarde.
Por dañarte.  
Por hacer tu corazón llorar todo por mi culpa.  
Lo siento en verdad por todo.
Mi corazón me duele de tanto llorar.
Siempre fuiste esa persona que admiraba.
En ves de decir mi padre o mi madre, te elijo a ti.
Porque siempre estuviste ahí por mi cuando nadie lo estuvo.
Perdóñame por ser una mala persona.
Te quiero mucho.
Perdóname por no demonstratelo como lo debía.
Me escondía detrás de mis miedos.
Se que algún día ya no estarás.  
Tomarás una decisión.
Se que esa decisión dolerá pero todo fue por mi culpa.
Por no haberte cuidado.
No te merezco.
Perdóname por todo.
Perdoname por mi existencia.


--------


I'm sorry for the pain that I've caused you.
I'm sorry for everything that I've done to you.
For causing so much pain in your heart.
For not showing my affection towards you.
I'm sorry for being a coward.
For hurting you.
For making your heart cry because of me.
I'm really sorry.
My heart hurts because of too much crying.
You were always that person that I admired.
Instead of saying my father or my mother, I choose you.
Because you were always there when no one was.
Forgive me for being a horrible person.
I love you.
I'm sorry for not demonstrating it to you like I should of.
I hid myself from my fears.
I know that one day you'll no longer be here.
You'll make a decision.
I know that it'll hurt, but it would all be because of me.
For not taking care of you.
I don't deserve you.
Forgive me for everything.
forgive me for my existence.
Prabhu Iyer May 2016
Is it the waves,
that heave in sighs this morning,
or is this your heart?

here, these hills have gone crimson
in desire

don't stay head turned away from me

these are the rivers that feed the earth
flowing from the stars,

your silken hair
now in flood

this is the morning smoke
incense, brooding in the shadows

I'm embracing the skies
in passion
beating to my *****

I am you, mea culpa

chorus of
birdsong whispers in the corners

words meet words
before they are born
Serenus Raymone Dec 2012
Mea Culpa



Forgive me Father, for I have sinned

That is where my apology should begin…



I’ve done so much wrong

I have to make it right

I’m battling my pride

But he’s putting up a fight



I’ve been selfish

Unkind

And disingenuous

I’m sure the toll it has on others

Has been overwhelmingly strenuous  



I tend to take my anger out

On the ones I love the most

I push away every heart

That wants to hold me close



I have plenty of faults…

That seem insurmountable

I’ve made mistakes

And I have to be accountable                        



So if I ever hurt you

Whether it was my intention

-Or not

I want to say I’m sorry

Please forgive me

Even if it cannot be forgot



I can’t keep dwelling

On all the things that I’ve been through

So for all of the people who hurt me

I must forgive you too



This is not a lame attempt

At reverse psychology

I'm not perfect,

I’m human…

Please except my sincere apology
Poetess1012 May 2014
Finger nails clawing at my ****** skin,
A pool of blood
A discarded blade
And just one phrase across my chest

*MEA MAXIMA CULPA
Mateuš Conrad May 2018
fake news or no news,
yetis or
                    drunk eskimos
loosening a ****
                   on a trampoline...
whatever,
                   one fact is certain:
male sparrows,
                and mallards?
blush *******.
                     hands down
i honestly can only
drink... what's tha'....
less VAT and more F...
     vvvvv'aha...
v'ah thought?
   - bran...
      brand...
           BRADLY!
   caught a sober sailor:
straight, no ice...
and i somehow received
a castration notice minding
these two bird species,
which exfoliated in:
dull dumb hay-coloured
female...
   my my...
the males are ripe for
a military procession,
and a unanimous yell
akin to the modern russians...
slightly the gay hurrah,
and more mother Ural
citing:               itself...
       sparrow males
and mallards...
          cut those ballsies
off an i'll crown
myself the last prince
of a Bahrain harem...
to appease shamrock
sheikh baldy...
              start
   flustered over a well
salivated paper aero-experiment
hitting slam-dunk
shamrock rap...
       eh... the usual...
        hand only comes
in second to exploring
the ****...
          kissing prostitutes
is apparently equivalent
to stalling on: blah...
        blush *******
though...
     in vivo memoriae mors:
in life, the memory of death,
guess death has
to revive owning up
             to a bit of life...
imagination i can agree
dies, utterly...
        but memory?
    hard to **** off memory...
thinking can die the easy
death of mishearing
   the term: future...
   but memory?
            blush *******,
the male examples of
sparrow and those
english pub ducks and
bulldog card game subjects
of depiction...
     no... i'm pretty sure
a ****** wouldn't
   be composed with
      imagining a scenario
for death being
        stanced as: panicky...
problem with
perfecting a deviance...
         becauae...
this mea culpa
      *******-shaving
mantra?
                 it's...
   kinda... itchy...
   irritating...
                status quo
     fizzy, or rather:
  boiling under the radar...
          mea culpa mea culpa
mea culpa...
                to have been born
into this sort of masochism?
       counter arguments:
     heading into a cul de sac...
like the genesis of
cognition
   with an chimp scratching
its cranium...
         nice to know
the fungus brigade
having two pence worth
                of argument
to imply:
         infested, long lost
limb,
replaced with a pickled
fungus stump,
or the "hallucination"
   of a brain and spine
            in a bio-broth...
   hell, if it's safe to say that
god-head-fungus spoke
through me...
           photosynthesis
edibles are...
                  what was the point?
a ******* mushroom
conspiracy?!
              blush *******...
those male green 'ed
ducks, and notably
the in-reverse
   niqab slit male sparrows...
   blush *****...
               you almost
want them to become stuffed
mantles...
      if only not compensated
by the jittering
movements...
   the irony of being
able to float, like a bumber-sticker
with an annoying
relief for body in ushering
out a quack... like some sort
of a squeezed *******
revealing a:
                     HA-to-Q-to-mmm...
and you'll never know
visting a *******,
given the nearing a week-old
        "moral" hangover...
trigger-happy-itch though?
      don't know that
                   'un either...
           a 2 year celibacy spree?
no wonder i'm disorientated...
i attempted the same
results from cutting up
raw beef into a culinary
party-of-one in the guise
of a tartare;
             oh god, it can't be minced
beef...
            nearing sushi...
popcorn sushi -
        edible bits,
             simulating cartilage treats!
kaleidoscope of torn
                   into sinew lisps;
and it doesn't even bother
me eating poached chicken...
  given the precursor
of broth...
                   notably with
pregnant-pouch-soft
    delicacy of certain
vegetables...
  notably a leak,
   an onion or a garlic tooth...
i'll admit though:
nothing beats
oven "hibernated"
poultry skin...
   and cartilage... of any sort.
Marsha Singh Feb 2012
I only wanted to learn love; the unknown was unbearable.
Like a child plucking flimsy wings
from pretty little dying things,
I'm innocent, and terrible.
Gary Gibbens Dec 2011
She shuffled into the dull green room
Perched on the edge of the chair
Dressed black on black
Lace mantilla over a dark scarf
Black dress so worn that
the white threads were showing through

Face the color of the adobe
In the shadows
She did not walk in the sun

She clutched a rosary in her hand
It trembled as if from prayer with no sound
She called me mister
Never raised her gaze
Still focused on the rosary
I didn't want to
but I had to ask,
"What brings you here?
You seem so sad---"

Like a striking snake
She looked me in the eyes
Pupils hard black shiny
Thin tracks of tears run down wrinkled cheeks
"Mister, they said I must tell you everything
I must confess it all so you can help me"

Mumbling appropriate therapy stuff
I began to listen

"Miquello--quello--ah ah"
She spoke very fast
A story repeated many times
Still filled with pain and longing
"He was so beautiful, my boy
Only he would talk to me
Every day, he would tell me his stories
His time at school, what he learned
My hijo, he was so smart
He would hug me, kiss me
I can still feel his arms
Oh Madre de Dios!"

She bought him a new bike for his paper route
Every day she would walk out to see him come home
To see his face, to feel his happiness to see her

He was coming home just at sunset
She called out, "Miquello"
She saw him smile and wave
Pedalling home to her, excited
He never saw the truck that ran the light
Crushing his body and the new bike

She stood there as the sun set
Watching the ambulance, the police
The little crowd gathered
The officer came to the house
And saw her frozen there
Senora, Senora!!

She keeps his room as a shrine
Everything clean, candles burning
His picture on the dresser
His mangled bike next to the bed
She will not let anybody touch a thing

After the funeral mass
She went to the confessional
The priest told her God forgives
She said that she could not

Black eyes burning
She told me, "If I hadn't called out
If he hadn't seen me, he would be alive,
With children!"  Her thin chest shudders
"Besides, I loved him too much, Mister
God took him from me as punishment
I loved him wrong--malo, malo"

Black lace shuddering in silent sobs
"To **** myself is a greater sin
I'll wait to die--then I'll see him again"

In the quiet room all my empty words
Fall like dust in the emptiness
Silence stretching out to more silence
Her guilt to be resolved only by
Her own slow death.
Stefan Ky Yves May 2013
Breathing, am I still here? Why?!
Maldecir! I survived!
I should be gone. Claro esta!
Mi papa, mi mama, lo siento..

Your son is a pendejo.
I am useless. I am weak.
The cenizas and smoke surrounding our home,
Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.

Mis seres queridos, I am repenting.
Algun dia sere el platonico de alguien.
Your niño will be a man.
I shall fight hasta el final!
Emi Jay Sep 2018
the post-mortem will say:
sudden cardiac arrest
(medicine cannot quantify
death by a broken heart).

i thought it was sweet,
the arrhythmia you gave me
(at least the butterflies
dissolved harmlessly in acid).

you knew me, invasively,
a mortician's secret autopsy
(you counting my scars, ribs,
was it more habit than desire?)

curiosity is what killed me;
mine and yours, ill-matched
(i would have preferred cruelty
to your cool detachment).

the post-mortem has found:
i died of natural causes
(which makes you, my heart-
breaker, a force of nature)
(extended version of "tua culpa")
colddistance Aug 2012
Eu acordo e coloco as mãos na cabeça.
É desesperador o fato de não conseguir entender porque acordei,
Ou porquê não acordei do seu lado.
Mas acredito que as coisas não podem ser tão certas.
Se coisas assim fossem simples não daria certo.
Por enquanto, me afogo em pensamentos,
de coisas que eu deveria ter dito.
Se não fosse por você, não teria nem dormido.
Danielle Furtado Nov 2014
Nasceu no dia dos namorados. Filho de mãe brasileira com descendência holandesa e pai português. Tinha três irmãos: seu gêmeo Fabrício, o mais velho, Renato, e o terceiro, falecido, que era sua grande dor, nunca dizia seu nome e ninguém se atrevia a perguntar.
A pessoa em questão chamaremos de Jimmy. Jimmy Jazz.
Jimmy morava em Portugal, na cidade de Faro, e passou a infância fazendo viagens ao Brasil a fim de visitar a família de sua mãe; sempre rebelde, colecionava olhares tortos, lições de moral, renegações.
Seu maior inimigo, também chamado por ele de pai, declarou guerra contra suas ideologias punk, seu cabelo que gritava anarquismo, e a vontade que tinha ele de viver.
Certo dia, não qualquer dia mas no natal do ano em que Jimmy fez 14 anos, seu pai o expulsou de casa. Mais um menino perdido na rua se tornou o pequeno aspirante à poeta, agora um verdadeiro marginal.
Não tinha para onde ir. Sentou-se na calçada, olhou para seus pés e agradeceu pela sorte de estar de sapatos e ter uma caneta no bolso no momento da expulsão, seu pai não o deixara com nada, nem um vintém, e tinha fome.
Rondou pelas mesmas quadras ao redor de sua casa por uns dias, até se cansar dos mesmos rostos e da rotina daquela região, então tomou coragem e resolveu explorar outras vidas, havia encontrado um caderno em branco dentro de uma biblioteca pública onde costumava passar o dia lendo e este seria seu amigo por um bom tempo.
Orgulhoso, auto-suficiente, o menino de apenas 14 anos acabou encontrando alguém como ele, por fim. Seu nome era Allan, um punk que, apesar de ainda ter uma casa, estava doido para ir embora viver sua rotina de não ter rotina alguma, e eles levaram isso muito à sério.
Logo se tornaram inseparáveis, arrumaram emprego juntos, que não era muito mas conseguiria mantê-los pelo menos até terminarem a escola, conseguiram alugar uma casa e compraram um cachorro que nunca ganhou nome pois não conseguiam entrar em acordo sobre isso, Jimmy tinha também um lagarto de estimação que chamava de Mr. White, sua paixão.
Os dois amigos começaram a frequentar o que antes só viam na teoria: as festas punk; finalmente haviam conseguido o que estavam procurando há tempos: liberdade total de expressão e ação. Rodeados por todos os tipos de drogas e práticas sexuais, mas principalmente, a razão de todo o movimento: a música.
Jimmy tinha inúmeras camisetas dos Smiths, sua banda favorita, e em seu quarto já não se sabia a cor das paredes que estavam cobertas por pôsteres de bandas dos anos 80 e 90, décadas sagradas para qualquer amante da música e Jimmy era um deles, sem dúvida.
Apesar da vida desregrada que levava com o amigo, Jimmy conseguiu ingressar na faculdade de Letras, contribuindo para sua vontade de fazer poesia, e Allan em enfermagem. Os dois, ao contrário do que seus familiares pensavam, eram extremamente inteligentes, cultos, criaram um clube de poesia com mais dois ou três amigos que conheceram em uma das festas e chamaram de "Sociedade dos Poetas Mortos... e Drogados!", fazendo referência ao filme de  Peter Weir.
O nome não era apenas uma piada entre eles, era a maior verdade de suas vidas, eles eram drogados, Jimmy  era viciado em heroína, Allan também mas em menos intensidade que seu parceiro.
Jimmy não era hétero, gay, bissexual ou qualquer outra coisa que se encaixe dentro de um quadrado exigido pela sociedade, Jimmy era do amor livre, Jimmy apenas amava. E com o passar o tempo, amava seu amigo de forma diferente, assustado pelo sentimento, escondeu o maior tempo que pôde até que o sentimento sumisse, afinal é só um hormônio e a vida voltaria ao normal, mas a amizade era e sempre seria algo além disso: uma conexão espiritual, se acreditassem em almas.
Ambos continuaram suas vidas sendo visitados pela família (no caso de Jimmy, apenas sua mãe) duas vezes ao ano, no máximo, e nesses dias não faziam questão de esconderem seus cigarros, piercings ou qualquer pista da vida que levavam sozinhos, afinal, não os devia mais nada já que seus vícios, tanto químicos quanto musicais, eram bancados por eles mesmos.
Era 14 de fevereiro e Jimmy completara 19 anos, a vida ainda era a mesma, o amigo também, mas sua saúde não, principalmente sua saúde mental.
O poeta de sofá, como alguns de nós, sofria de um existencialismo perturbador, o mundo inteiro doía no seu ser, e não podia fazer muito sobre aquilo, afinal o que poderia fazer à respeito senão escrever?
Até pensou em viver de música já que tocava dois instrumentos, mas a ideia de ter desconhecidos desfrutando ou zombando dos seus sentimentos mais puros não lhe era agradável. Continuou a escrever sobre suas dores e amores, e se perguntava por que se sentia daquela forma, por que não poderia ser como seu irmão que, apesar de possuírem aparência idêntica, eram extremos do mesmo corpo. Fabrício era apenas outro cidadão português que chegava em casa antes de sua mãe ficar preocupada, não que ele fosse um filho exemplar, ele só era... normal, e era tudo que Jimmy não era e jamais gostaria de ser; aliás, ter uma vida comum era visto com desprezo pelos olhos dele, olhos que, ainda tão cedo, haviam visto o melhor e o pior da vida, já não acreditava em nada, nem em si mesmo, nem em deus, nem no universo, nem no amor.
Como poderia alguém amar uma pessoa com tanta dor dentro de si? Como ele explicaria sua vontade de morrer à alguém que ele gostaria de passar a vida toda com? Era uma contradição ambulante. Uma contradição de olhos azuis, profundos, e com hematomas pelo corpo todo.
Aos 20 anos, o tédio e a depressão ainda controlavam seu estado emocional a maior parte do tempo, aos domingos era tudo pior, existe algo sobre domingo à tarde que é inexplicável e insuportável para os existencialistas, e para ele não seria diferente. Em um domingo qualquer, se sentindo sozinho, resolveu entrar em um chat online daqueles famosos, e na primeira tentativa de conversa conheceu uma moça do Brasil, que como ele, amava a banda Placebo e sendo existencialista, também sofria de solidão, o que facilitou na construção dos assuntos.
Ela não deu muita importância ao português que dizia "não ser punk porque punks não se chamam de punks", já estava cansada de amores e amizades à distância, decidiu se despedir. O rapaz, insistente e talvez curioso sobre a pessoa com quem se deparara por puro acaso, perguntou se poderiam conversar novamente, e não sabendo a dor que isso a causaria, cedeu.
Assim como havia feito com Allan, Jimmy conquistou Julien, a nova amiga, rapidamente. De um dia para o outro, se pegou esperando para que Jimmy voltasse logo para casa para que pudessem conversar sobre poesia, música, começo e fim da vida, todos os porquês do mundo em apenas uma noite, e então perceberam que já não estavam sozinhos, principalmente ela, que havia tempo não conhecia alguém tão interessante e único quanto ele.
Não demorou muito para que trocassem confidências e os segredos mais íntimos, mas nem tudo era tão sério, riam juntos como nunca antes, e todos sabem que o caminho para o coração de uma mulher é o bom humor, Julien se encontrava perdidamente apaixonada pelo ****** que conhecera num site de relacionamentos e isso se tornaria um problema.
Qualquer relacionamento à distância é complicado por natureza, agora adicione dois suicidas em potencial, um deles viciado em heroína e outra que de tão frustrada já não ligava tanto para sede de viver que sentia, queria apenas ler poesia longe de todas as pessoas comuns, essas que ambos abominavam.
Jimmy era todos os ídolos de Julien comprimidos dentro de si. Ele era Marilyn Manson, era Brian Molko, era Gerard Way, Billy Corgan, Kurt Cobain, mas acima de todos esses, Jimmy era Sid Vicious e Julien sonhava com seus dias de Nancy.
Ele era o primeiro e último pensamento dela, e se tornou o tema principal de toda as poesias que escrevia, assim como as que lia, parecia que todas eram sobre o luso-brasileiro que considerava sua cópia masculina. Jimmy, como ela, era feminista, cheio de ideologias e viciado em bandas, mas ao contrário dela, não teria tanto tempo para essas coisas.
Estava apaixonado por um rapaz brasileiro, Estêvão, que também dizia estar apaixonado por ele mas nunca passaram disso, e logo se formou um semi-triângulo amoroso, pois Julien sabia da existência da paixão de Jimmy, mas Estêvão não sabia que existia outra brasileira que amava a mesma pessoa perdidamente. Não sentiu raiva dele, pelo contrário, apoiava o romance dos dois já que tudo que importava à ela era a felicidade de Jimmy, que como ela, era infeliz, e as chances de pessoas como eles serem felizes algum dia é quase nula.
O brasileiro era amante da MPB e da poesia do país, assim como amava ouvir pós-punk e escrever, interesses que eram comum aos três perdidos, mas era profissional para ele já que conseguira que seus trabalhos fossem publicados diversas vezes. Se Jimmy era Sid Vicious, Julien desejava ser Nancy (ou Courtney Love dependendo do humor), Estêvão era Cazuza.
Morava sozinho e não conseguia se fixar em lugar algum, estava à procura de algo que só poderia achar dentro dele mesmo mas não sabia por onde começar; convivia com *** há alguns meses na época, mas estava relativamente bem com aquilo, tinha um controle emocional maior do que nosso Sid.
Assim como aconteceu com Allan e Julien, não demorou muito para que Estêvão caísse nos encantos de Jimmy, que não eram poucos, e não fazia mais tanta questão de esconder o que sentia por ele. Dono de olhos infinitamente azuis, cabelo bagunçado que mudava de cor frequentemente, corpo magro, pálido, e escrevia os versos mais lindos que poderia imaginar, Jimmy era o ser mais irresistível para qualquer um que quisesse um bom tema para escrever.
--
Julien era de uma cidade pequena do Brasil, onde, sem a internet, jamais poderia ter conhecido Jimmy, que frequentava apenas as grandes cidades do país. Filha de pais separados, tinha o mesmo ódio pelo pai que ele, mas diferente do amigo, seu ódio era usado contra ela mesma, auto-destrutiva é um termo que definiria sua personalidade. Era de se esperar que ela se apaixonasse por alguém viciado em drogas, existe algo de romântico sobre tudo isso, afinal.
Em uma quarta-feira comum, antecipada por um dia nublado, escreveu:

Minhas palavras, todas tiradas dos teus poemas
Teu sotaque, uma voz imaginada
Que obra de arte eram teus olhos
Feitos de um azul-convite

E eu aceitei.


Jimmy era agora seu mundo, e qualquer lugar do mundo a lembrava dele. Qualquer frase proferida aleatoriamente em uma roda de amigos e automaticamente conseguia ouvir sua opinião sobre o assunto, ela o conhecia como ninguém, e em tão pouco tempo já não precisavam falar muita coisa, os dois sabiam dos dois.
Desejava que Jimmy fosse inteiramente dela, corpo e mente, que cada célula de seu ser pudesse tocar todas as células do dela, e que todos os pensamentos dele fossem sobre amá-la, mas como a maioria das coisas que queria, nada iria acontecer, se achava a pessoa mais azarada do mundo (e provavelmente era).
Em uma noite qualquer, após esperar o dia todo ansiosa pela hora em que Jimmy voltaria da faculdade, ele não apareceu. Bom, ele era mesmo uma pessoa inconstante e já estava acostumada à esse tipo de surpresa, mas existia algo diferente sobre aquela noite, sabia que Jimmy estava escondendo alguma coisa dela pois há dias estava estranho e calado, dormia cedo, acordava tarde, não comia, e as músicas que costumavam trocar estavam se tornando cada vez mais tristes, mas era inútil questionar, apesar da intimidade, ele se tornara uma pessoa reservada, o que era totalmente compreensível.
Após três ou quatro dias de aflição, ele finalmente volta e não parece bem, mesmo sem ver seu rosto, conhecia as palavras usadas por ele em todos os momentos. Preocupada com o sumiço, foi logo questionando sua ausência com certa raiva e euforia, Jimmy não respondia uma letra sequer. Julien deixou uma lágrima escorrer e implorou por respostas, tinha a certeza de que algo estava muito errado.
"Acalme-se, ou não poderei lhe contar hoje. Algo aconteceu e seu pressentimento está mais que correto, mas preciso que entenda o meu silêncio", disse à ela.
Julien não respondeu nada além de "me dê seu número, sinto que isso não é algo que se conta por escrito".
Discando o número gigantesco, cheio de códigos, sabia que assim que terminasse aquela ligação teria um problema muito maior do que a alta taxa que é cobrada por ligações internacionais. Ele atendeu e começou a falar interrompendo qualquer formalidade que ela viria a proferir:

– Apenas escute e prometa-me que não irá chorar.
Ela não disse nada, aceitando a condição.
– Há tempos não sinto-me bem, faço as mesmas coisas, não mudei meus costumes, embora deveria mas agora é tarde demais. Sinto-me diferente, meu corpo... fraco. Preciso te contar mas não tenho as palavras certas, acho que nem existem palavras certas para o que estou prestes à dizer então serei direto: descobri que sou *** positivo. ´
Um silêncio quase mórbido no ar, dos dois lados da linha.
Parecia-se com um tiro que atravessou o estômago dos dois, e nenhum podia falar.
Julien quebrou o silêncio desligando o telefone. Não podia expressar a dor que sentia, o sentimento de injustiça que a deixava de mãos atadas, Ele era a última pessoa do mundo que merecia aquilo, para ela, Jimmy era sagrado.

Apenas uma pessoa soube da nova situação de Jimmy antes de Julien: Allan.
Dois dias antes de contar tudo à amiga, Jimmy havia ido ao hospital sozinho, chegou em casa mais cedo, sentou-se no sofá e quis morrer, comparou o exame médico à um atestado de óbito e deu-se por morto. Allan chegou em casa e encontrou o amigo no chão, de olhos inchados, mãos trêmulas. Tirou o envelope de baixo dos braço de Jimmy, que o segurava como se fosse voar a qualquer instante, como se tivesse que apertar ao máximo para ter certeza de que aquilo era real. Enquanto lia os papéis, Jimmy suplicava sua morte, em meio à lágrimas, Allan lhe beijou como o amante oculto que foi por anos, com lábios fracos que resumiam a dor e o medo mas usou um disfarce para o pânico que sentia e sussurrou "não sinto nojo de ti, meu amigo, não estás morto".
Palavras inúteis. Já não queria ouvir nada, saber de nada. Jimmy então tentou dormir mas todas as memórias das vezes que usou drogas, que transou sem saber com quem, onde ou como, estavam piscando como flashes de luz quase cegantes e sentia uma culpa incomparável, um medo, terror. Mas nenhuma memória foi tão perturbadora quanto a da vez em que sofreu abuso ****** em uma das festas. Uma pessoa aleatória e sem grande importância, aproveitou-se do menino pálido e mirrado que estava dormindo no chão, quase desmaiado por culpa de todo o álcool consumido, mas ainda consciente, Jimmy conseguia sentir sua cabeça sendo pressionada contra a poça d'água que estava em baixo de seu corpo, e ouvia risos, e esses mesmos risos estavam rindo dele agora enquanto tentava dormir e rezava pra um deus que não acredita para que tudo fosse um pesadelo.
----
Naquele dia, Jimmy, que já era pessimista por si só, prometeu que não se trataria, que iria apenas esperar a morte, uma morte precoce, e que este seria o desfecho perfeito para alguém que envelheceu tão rápido, mas ele não esperaria sentado, iria continuar sua vida de auto-destruição, saindo cedo e voltando tarde, dormindo e comendo mal, não pararia também com nenhum tipo de droga, principalmente cigarro, que era tão importante quanto a caneta ao escrever seus poemas, dizia que sentir a cinza ainda quente caindo no peito o inspirava.
Outra manhã chegou, e mesmo que desejasse com toda força, tudo ainda era real, seus pensamentos eram confusos, dúvidas e incertezas tão insuportáveis que poderiam causar dores físicas e curadas com analgésicos. Trocou o dia pela noite, já não via o sol, não via rostos crús como os que se vê quando estamos à caminho do trabalho, só via os personagens da noite, prostitutas, vendedores de drogas, pessoas que compravam essas drogas, e gente como ele, de coração quebrado, pessoas que perderam amigos (ou não têm), que perderam a si mesmos, que terminaram relacionamentos até então eternos, que já não suportavam a vida medíocre imposta por uma sociedade programada e hipócrita. Continuou indo aos mesmos lugares por semanas, e já não dormia em casa todos os dias, sempre arrumava um espaço na casa de algum amigo ou conhecido, como se doesse encara
D. Furtado
Mateuš Conrad Aug 2017
you might ask: why does he seem semi-sober, almost every night, after gulping down 70cl of whiskey? well, it comes down to a certain type of rage - i was never the one to play the victimhood tarot card - it's a celebratory rage, best summarised by the sort of rage mingling with pride with bruce spingsteen's born in the u.s.a.

mind you - i do have distance relatives over there,
my maternal great grandfather emigrated there
during world war II, leaving his son (my grandfather)
and my great grandmother behind -
lost contact with my grandfather because
his brother smeared **** against him:
how he was misfit, stole & drank & what not...
****** spoke 7 language, was in the MP
(military police): just like my grandfather was...
my mother managed to make contact with him...
original surname? i think it was *żak
-
and like my grandfather, so too my father were
in the army - i sometimes wish i was also forced
into the army - rather than joining the ***** brigade
of university: might as well castrated myself
with some humanities degree - thankfully
i wasn't *****-slapped so much... then again?
i was -
            hence the title, mea culpa, my *** -
the most sadistic mantra in any religion -
        and that was the last time i trusted women -
who the **** does that sort of thing?
         i mean, it's the upper tier of the **** concept:
who rapes a man by stealthy managing both
    contraceptive pills and invoking an impregnation?
i thought we had a deal, a loose contract between us?
my fault? mea culpa?
    no wonder i'm annoyed -
         wrath-riddled -
     after all, she did give me back her engagement
ring -
           unless i don't have the full picture,
and have some sort tenacious pair of ***** where
my ***** has built up an immunity to contraceptive
pills, like a virus out-competing antibiotics...
   otherwise... my my, it's ******* shining pearls
and diamonds up my ***: so i stuck my tongue up
a *****'s **** and *** to compete with my own
*******...
      indeed, the mysteries of performing oral ***
on a *******: the puerto rican in amsterdam
was confused ever so slightly -
      but the bulgarian cohort in goodmayes?
            well... 2nd in command of providing the O
with one of them;
and i'm serious about the army regret,
   i regret the notion of there being no conscription
in place...
            british army adverts barely tickle my toes
in terms of wants: mandatory would have been
simpler...
                  at least you'd have rigour & discipline
drilled into you, and made you a less whiney *******
that i've seem to become...
victimhood? hardly: just ******, numb-nuts...
but it is a form of ****: can i have my ***** back
before it starts forming into a foetus?
   hey! that's private property too!
                 i have a slug of rubber ready to flush
it! ah, whatever, talk to me another day:
today is not a good day,
     it's sultry and i'm sweating like a pig
                                            in a slaughterhouse;
one of my earliest childhood memories?
         watching a cow being towed into a slaughter:
the shrill cry of that dumb animal:
  would certainly contend with Clarice Starling's
memory of the sheep: in the silence of the lambs;
yes, i asked her impromptu to have an abortion,
then i obviously came to my senses,
but by then: the fickle mood swings of women
already erased the past: and thereby the future
with it... now? it simply belongs on a page.
Anna May 2013
He's held for us a shy court,
In the continuity of my world.
Where time under anesthesia
First feels the cold of my shoulder,
While still showing a vague interest
In what he makes of the sordid elements
I've deposited at his feet.

Until his acting as what I've presented
Has perfected his imperfections.

His unwrapping this horror
Has lost the only bookmark
I'd destined to hold the significance of your laughter.

'This object is worthless'
He laughs, and then asks,
'Is it the grayest of ugly gifts?'

I reckon it is,
But remain stoic.
Not too unlike this damage now done.

My picking up these pieces
Of his paper misery
Reveals where the torn of his envelope
Has concealed the light of my gesture.

The key hides elsewhere tho',
On the shores of love.
A once deplorable trinket,
It now derives to hold the heart
Of my oldest fable.

So I destroy it without regret.
Micheal Bevan Jul 2010
There's an ache in the stain,
A subtle sense of this pain,
That picks at a part,
That by chance is my heart.

It ticks time by blood,
The red reminder,
That for all the world,
Death is sweet and kinder.

I am a dying man,
In a dying world,
A cold and bitter thing,
Without one girl.

Who's eyes have drifted,
And her love followed suit,
And all my affection that rang so soundly,
Has since fallen mute.

And I am a stain unto myself,
And symbol of shame,
Who fears his own stabilities,
Who bears all the blame.

Mea culpa fell from his lips,
His sorrow seeped and slipped,
From the steels cold kiss,
Did that girl he ever miss,
Mea culpa from his lips,
His life seeped and slipped,
Mea culpa from his lips.
Mateuš Conrad Feb 2017
after acquiring the english language,
and synthesising it for twenty years...
ugh... breakfast that is but a cup of water
and immediately feeling bloated...
or just imagining that you can live
on food and alcohol... like a diesel engine....
comes to just as much
     trying to catch butterflies akin to
nabokov, or thoughts...
      and are either, so trully necessary?
well... unless you take to calling it
the only relative opposite of picking up
a gun and shooting someone for no reason
other than a per se reason, which
subsequently has to be reasoned with -
akin to this...
  or, dare i say, picking up a philosophy book
and seeing how there is clearly
a child in there, esp. in english -
how each philosophy book seems to be
avoiding the pronoun i -
such is the nature of these books,
    a lot of hide & seek happening -
with the basic formula of: being yourself,
to avoid, your self.
then again as this french girlfriend told
me when she was staying in edinburgh
for a year to complete her erasmus program
from the university of grenòble
and she was doing this psychology experiment
and she needed native speakers...
  and i was given the stick for trying to
fake her science by suggesting that i'd do it...
yeah...
           well i really did hook up with her when
an american was about to court her,
and that's the only time i played the huinter-gatherer
role, or was motivated to do so,
when we went bar crawling and i pulled her
from the crowd and we stayed behind while
the group moved to another pub...
that was the only time i felt a need to do the "chase",
later this thing called the categorical imperative
came along, and i subsequently lost the impetus
to compete...
being a gladiator could have been greater,
what with the hardships of life...
but you can watch these gladiators fall...
quiet easily, buying groceries in a supermarket,
or opening a fridge door...
it's this return to the mundane, the household
environment can really beat a man,
if his life is lived to sample the ancient
field of danger...
   so when i did get the schtick of her empiricism
i decided: well... i'm no native....
and aren't we all so puritan about science
when some of it can't be falsified,
which it can:
        never too fond of accents myself...
native or alien...
               some people have a fetish for
feet or a french accent...
                        but that ***** essex slur...
or however you'd like to put it,
  it's not even cockney, but you get to hear
something quasi-cockney around these parts
more often, given that a lot of londoners
are moving away to these parts...
cockney meets essex county...
or meats it... yep: beats it silly with squalor
and at the same time: sophistication of living
in cement graveyards of an international city...
then again, you walk into a forest at night
during the summer, wearing only a t-shirt...
and it's freezing!
   you can actually hear Gaia breathing...
and then out of the woods and onto the cement...
that rush of feeling a complete change
of temperature... well... that's something.
          oh it wasn't me, i didn't dump that
french bird, she dumped me,
       as an experienced woman in her early
twenties would, to a ****** (who lost it with her),
18 year old.
    memories and all, what a grand cinema,
sipping absinthe on the streets of athens,
the athenian strip-club...
                sitting on a stool looking at a stripper
while holding two women in my arms
and kissing that sweet, sweet tender *****...
what happened after?
   drank all my money away,
                was escorted by a bouncer to a cash
machine... ****** myself
           and scuttled away back to the hostel....
and then took the bus from athens to katowice...
macedonia? beautiful, very hilly...
       serbia though... a plataeu of snow...
and i admit, belgrade from the distance
looked stunnig... esp. because of the snow.
oh right, i was supposed to insert a          )
having begun it with a     (      of an original prompt...
english really does have this natural
basis to invoke a self-conscious pronoun base of i,
it's like there's this need for a double-certainty
of the speaker stating that: it really is that person
speaking... or even thinking...
     polish        as a language? it rarely uses
the pronoun ja, i.e. i,
                          it's just certain -
english has to overtly use the pronoun -
      and it would be certainly pointless to ditto it
out... like some careless selfish womanisers
by the name of sartre...
                   that's the one thing i don't understand
about sartre, how it could ever be, something
about "ego"... more like Igor and doctor frankenstein...
i find that expression, yes, that alone
   " e g o " to be akin to pontius pilate washing his hands:
for whather transgression: i can't be to blame...
and then comes that ****** mantra
of mea culpa... and it just goes on and on...
to be frank, the whole point of mea culpa
is to transcend any invocation of self-pity...
      it's probably the foremost notion of transcendentalism,
well given that self-pity exists in people,
and some people would rather take blame;
indeed, it is my fault that i once had a heart
to feel intimate with someone, or even entertain
the idea of a fwend...
                            if anyone asks, i'll just be
a hermit, in my little cave.
Piramidal, funesta de la tierra
nacida sombra, al cielo encaminaba
de vanos obeliscos ***** altiva,
escalar pretendiendo las estrellas;
si bien sus luces bellas
esemptas siempre, siempre rutilantes,
la tenebrosa guerra
que con negros vapores le intimaba
la vaporosa sombra fugitiva
burlaban tan distantes,
que su atezado ceño
al superior convexo aún no llegaba
del orbe de la diosa
que tres veces hermosa
con tres hermosos rostros ser ostenta;
quedando sólo dueño
del aire que empañaba
con el aliento denso que exhalaba.
Y en la quietud contenta
de impero silencioso,
sumisas sólo voces consentía
de las nocturnas aves
tan oscuras tan graves,
que aún el silencio no se interrumpía.
Con tardo vuelo, y canto, de él oído
mal, y aún peor del ánimo admitido,
la avergonzada Nictímene acecha
de las sagradas puertas los resquicios
o de las claraboyas eminentes
los huecos más propicios,
que capaz a su intento le abren la brecha,
y sacrílega llega a los lucientes
faroles sacros de perenne llama,
que extingue, sino inflama
en licor claro la materia crasa
consumiendo; que el árbol de Minerva
de su fruto, de prensas agravado,
congojoso sudó y rindió forzado.
Y aquellas que su casa
campo vieron volver, sus telas yerba,
a la deidad de Baco inobedientes
ya no historias contando diferentes,
en forma si afrentosa transformadas
segunda forman niebla,
ser vistas, aun temiendo en la tiniebla,
aves sin pluma aladas:
aquellas tres oficiosas, digo,
atrevidas hermanas,
que el tremendo castigo
de desnudas les dio pardas membranas
alas, tan mal dispuestas
que escarnio son aun de las más funestas:
éstas con el parlero
ministro de Plutón un tiempo, ahora
supersticioso indicio agorero,
solos la no canora
componían capilla pavorosa,
máximas negras, longas entonando
y pausas, más que voces, esperando
a la torpe mensura perezosa
de mayor proporción tal vez que el viento
con flemático echaba movimiento
de tan tardo compás, tan detenido,
que en medio se quedó tal vez dormido.
Este. pues, triste son intercadente
de la asombrosa turba temerosa,
menos a la atención solicitaba
que al suelo persuadía;
antes si, lentamente,
si su obtusa consonancia espaciosa
al sosiego inducía
y al reposo los miembros convidaba,
el silencio intimando a los vivientes,
uno y otro sellando labio obscuro
con indicante dedo, Harpócrates la noche silenciosa;
a cuyo, aunque no duro, si bien imperioso
precepto, todos fueron obedientes.
El viento sosegado, el can dormido:
éste yace, aquél quedo,
los átomos no mueve
con el susurro hacer temiendo leve,
aunque poco sacrílego ruido,
violador del silencio sosegado.
El mar, no ya alterado,
ni aún la instable mecía
cerúlea cuna donde el sol dormía;
y los dormidos siempre mudos peces,
en los lechos 1amosos
de sus obscuros senos cavernosos,
mudos eran dos veces.
Y entre ellos la engañosa encantadora
Almone, a los que antes
en peces transformó simples amantes,
transformada también vengaba ahora.
En los del monte senos escondidos
cóncavos de peñascos mal formados,
de su esperanza menos defendidos
que de su obscuridad asegurados,
cuya mansión sombría
ser puede noche en la mitad del día,
incógnita aún al cierto
montaraz pie del cazador experto,
depuesta la fiereza
de unos, y de otros el temor depuesto,
yacía el vulgo bruto,
a la naturaleza
el de su potestad vagando impuesto,
universal tributo.
Y el rey -que vigilancias afectaba-
aun con abiertos ojos no velaba.
El de sus mismos perros acosado,
monarca en otro tiempo esclarecido,
tímido ya venado,
con vigilante oído,
del sosegado ambiente,
al menor perceptible movimiento
que los átomos muda,
la oreja alterna aguda
y el leve rumor siente
que aun le altera dormido.
Y en 1a quietud del nido,
que de brozas y lodo instable hamaca
formó en la más opaca
parte del árbol, duerme recogida
la leve turba, descansando el viento
del que le corta alado movimiento.
De Júpiter el ave generosa
(como el fin reina) por no darse entera
al descanso, que vicio considera
si de preciso pasa, cuidadosa
de no incurrir de omisa en el exceso,
a un sólo pie librada fía el peso
y en otro guarda el cálculo pequeño,
despertador reloj del leve sueño,
porque si necesario fue admitido
no pueda dilatarse continuado,
antes interrumpido
del regio sea pastoral cuidado.
¡Oh de la majestad pensión gravosa,
que aun el menor descuido no perdona!
Causa quizá que ha hecho misteriosa,
circular denotando la corona
en círculo dorado,
que el afán es no menos continuado.
El sueño todo, en fin, lo poseía:
todo. en fin, el silencio lo ocupaba.
Aun el ladrón dormía:
aun el amante no se desvelaba:
el conticinio casi ya pasando
iba y la sombra dimidiaba, cuando
de las diurnas tareas fatigados
y no sólo oprimidos
del afán ponderosos
del corporal trabajo, más cansados
del deleite también; que también cansa
objeto continuado a 1os sentidos
aún siendo deleitoso;
que la naturaleza siempre alterna
ya una, ya otra balanza,
distribuyendo varios ejercicios,
ya al ocio, ya al trabajo destinados,
en el fiel infiel con que gobierna
la aparatosa máquina del mundo.
Así pues, del profundo
sueño dulce los miembros ocupados,
quedaron los sentidos
del que ejercicio tiene ordinario
trabajo, en fin, pero trabajo amado
-si hay amable trabajo-
si privados no, al menos suspendidos.
Y cediendo al retrato del contrario
de la vida que lentamente armado
cobarde embiste y vence perezoso
con armas soñolientas,
desde el cayado humilde al cetro altivo
sin que haya distintivo
que el sayal de la púrpura discierna;
pues su nivel, en todo poderoso,
gradúa por esemptas
a ningunas personas,
desde la de a quien tres forman coronas
soberana tiara
hasta la que pajiza vive choza;
desde la que el Danubio undoso dora,
a la que junco humilde, humilde mora;
y con siempre igual vara
(como, en efecto, imagen poderosa
de la muerte) Morfeo
el sayal mide igual con el brocado.
El alma, pues, suspensa
del exterior gobierno en que ocupada
en material empleo,
o bien o mal da el día por gastado,
solamente dispensa,
remota, si del todo separada
no, a los de muerte temporal opresos,
lánguidos miembros, sosegados huesos,
los gajes del calor vegetativo,
el cuerpo siendo, en sosegada calma,
un cadáver con alma,
muerto a la vida y a la muerte vivo,
de lo segundo dando tardas señas
el de reloj humano
vital volante que, sino con mano,
con arterial concierto, unas pequeñas
muestras, pulsando, manifiesta lento
de su bien regulado movimiento.
Este, pues, miembro rey y centro vivo
de espíritus vitales,
con su asociado respirante fuelle
pulmón, que imán del viento es atractivo,
que en movimientos nunca desiguales
o comprimiendo yo o ya dilatando
el musculoso, claro, arcaduz blando,
hace que en él resuelle
el que le circunscribe fresco ambiente
que impele ya caliente
y él venga su expulsión haciendo activo
pequeños robos al calor nativo,
algún tiempo llorados,
nunca recuperados,
si ahora no sentidos de su dueño,
que repetido no hay robo pequeño.
Estos, pues, de mayor, como ya digo,
excepción, uno y otro fiel testigo,
la vida aseguraban,
mientras con mudas voces impugnaban
la información, callados los sentidos
con no replicar sólo defendidos;
y la lengua, torpe, enmudecía,
con no poder hablar los desmentía;
y aquella del calor más competente
científica oficina
próvida de los miembros despensera,
que avara nunca v siempre diligente,
ni a la parte prefiere más vecina
ni olvida a la remota,
y, en ajustado natural cuadrante,
las cuantidades nota
que a cada cual tocarle considera,
del que alambicó quilo el incesante
calor en el manjar que medianero
piadoso entre él y el húmedo interpuso
su inocente substancia,
pagando por entero
la que ya piedad sea o ya arrogancia,
al contrario voraz necio la expuso
merecido castigo, aunque se excuse
al que en pendencia ajena se introduce.
Esta, pues, si no fragua de Vulcano,
templada hoguera del calor humano,
al cerebro enviaba
húmedos, mas tan claros los vapores
de los atemperados cuatro humores,
que con ellos no sólo empañaba
los simulacros que la estimativa
dio a la imaginativa,
y aquesta por custodia más segura
en forma ya más pura
entregó a la memoria que, oficiosa,
gravó tenaz y guarda cuidadosa
sino que daban a la fantasía
lugar de que formase
imágenes diversas y del modo
que en tersa superficie, que de faro
cristalino portento, asilo raro
fue en distancia longísima se veían,
(sin que ésta le estorbase)
del reino casi de Neptuno todo,
las que distantes le surcaban naves.
Viéndose claramente,
en su azogada luna,
el número, el tamaño y la fortuna
que en la instable campaña transparente
arriesgadas tenían,
mientras aguas y vientos dividían
sus velas leves y sus quillas graves,
así ella, sosegada, iba copiando
las imágenes todas de las cosas
y el pincel invisible iba formando
de mentales, sin luz, siempre vistosas
colores. las figuras,
no sólo ya de todas las criaturas
sublunares, mas aun también de aquellas
que intelectuales claras son estrellas
y en el modo posible
que concebirse puede lo invisible,
en sí mañosa las representaba
y al alma las mostraba.
La cual, en tanto, toda convertida
a su inmaterial ser y esencia bella,
aquella contemplaba,
participada de alto ser centella,
que con similitud en sí gozaba.
I juzgándose casi dividida
de aquella que impedida
siempre la tiene, corporal cadena
que grosera embaraza y torpe impide
el vuelo intelectual con que ya mide
la cuantidad inmensa de la esfera,
ya el curso considera
regular con que giran desiguales
los cuerpos celestiales;
culpa si grave, merecida pena,
torcedor del sosiego riguroso
de estudio vanamente juicioso;
puesta a su parecer, en la eminente
cumbre de un monte a quien el mismo Atlante
que preside gigante
a los demás, enano obedecía,
y Olimpo, cuya sosegada frente,
nunca de aura agitada
consintió ser violada,
aun falda suya ser no merecía,
pues las nubes que opaca son corona
de la más elevada corpulencia
del volcán más soberbio que en la tierra
gigante erguido intima al cielo guerra,
apenas densa zona
de su altiva eminencia
o a su vasta cintura
cíngulo tosco son, que mal ceñido
o el viento lo desata sacudido
o vecino el calor del sol, lo apura
a la región primera de su altura,
ínfima parte, digo, dividiendo
en tres su continuado cuerpo horrendo,
el rápido no pudo, el veloz vuelo
del águila -que puntas hace al cielo
y el sol bebe los rayos pretendiendo
entre sus luces colocar su nido-
llegar; bien que esforzando
mas que nunca el impulso, ya batiendo
las dos plumadas velas, ya peinando
con las garras el aire, ha pretendido
tejiendo de los átomos escalas
que su inmunidad rompan sus dos alas.
Las pirámides dos -ostentaciones
de Menfis vano y de la arquitectura
último esmero- si ya no pendones
fijos, no tremolantes, cuya altura
coronada de bárbaros trofeos,
tumba y bandera fue a los Ptolomeos,
que al viento, que a las nubes publicaba,
si ya también el cielo no decía
de su grande su siempre vencedora
ciudad -ya Cairo ahora-
las que, porque a su copia enmudecía
la fama no contaba
gitanas glorias, menéficas proezas,
aun en el viento, aun en el cielo impresas.
Estas que en nivelada simetría
su estatura crecía
con tal disminución, con arte tanto,
que cuánto más al cielo caminaba
a la vista que lince la miraba,
entre los vientos se desaparecía
sin permitir mirar la sutil *****
que al primer orbe finge que se junta
hasta que fatigada del espanto,
no descendida sino despeñada
se hallaba al pie de la espaciosa basa.
Tarde o mal recobrada
del desvanecimiento,
que pena fue no escasa
del visual alado atrevimiento,
cuyos cuerpos opacos
no al sol opuestos, antes avenidos
con sus luces, si no confederados
con él, como en efecto confiantes,
tan del todo bañados
de un resplandor eran, que lucidos,
nunca de calurosos caminantes
al fatigado aliento, a los pies flacos
ofrecieron alfombra,
aun de pequeña, aun de señal de sombra.
Estas que glorias ya sean de gitanas
o elaciones profanas,
bárbaros hieroglíficos de ciego
error, según el griego,
ciego también dulcísimo poeta,
si ya por las que escribe
aquileyas proezas
o marciales, de Ulises, sutilezas,
la unión no le recibe
de los historiadores o le acepta
cuando entre su catálogo le cuente,
que gloría más que número le aumente,
de cuya dulce serie numerosa
fuera más fácil cosa
al temido Jonante
el rayo fulminante
quitar o la pescada
a Alcídes clava herrada,
que un hemistiquio solo
-de los que le: dictó propicio Apolo-
según de Homero digo, la sentencia.
Las pirámides fueron materiales
tipos solos, señales exteriores
de las que dimensiones interiores
especies son del alma intencionales
que como sube en piramidal *****
al cielo la ambiciosa llama ardiente,
así la humana mente
su figura trasunta
y a la causa primera siempre aspira,
céntrico punto donde recta tira
la línea, si ya no circunferencia
que contiene infinita toda esencia.
Estos pues, montes dos artificiales,
bien maravillas, bien milagros sean,
y aun aquella blasfema altiva torre,
de quien hoy dolorosas son señales
no en piedras, sino en lenguas desiguales
porque voraz el tiempo no ]as borre,
los idiomas diversos que escasean
el sociable trato de las gentes
haciendo que parezcan diferentes
los que unos hizo la naturaleza,
de la lengua por solo la extrañeza; .
si fueran comparados
a la mental pirámide elevada,
donde, sin saber como colocada
el alma se miró, tan atrasados
se hallaran que cualquiera
graduara su cima por esfera,
pues su ambicioso anhelo,
haciendo cumbre de su propio vuelo,
en lo más eminente
la encumbró parte de su propia mente,
de sí tan remontada que creía
que a otra nueva región de sí salía.
En cuya casi elevación inmensa,
gozosa, mas suspensa,
suspensa, pero ufana
y atónita, aunque ufana la suprema
de lo sublunar reina soberana,
la vista perspicaz libre de antojos
de sus intelectuales y bellos ojos,
sin que distancia tema
ni de obstáculo opaco se recele,
de que interpuesto algún objeto cele,
libre tendió por todo lo criado,
cuyo inmenso agregado
cúmulo incomprehensible
aunque a la vista quiso manifiesto
dar señas de posible,
a la comprehensión no, que entorpecida
con la sobra de objetos y excedida
de la grandeza de ellos su potencia,
retrocedió cobarde,
tanto no del osado presupuesto
revocó la intención arrepentida,
la vista que intentó descomedida
en vano hacer alarde
contra objeto que excede en excelencia
las líneas visuales,
contra el sol, digo, cuerpo luminoso,
cuyos rayos castigo son fogoso,
de fuerzas desiguales
despreciando, castigan rayo a rayo
el confiado antes atrevido
y ya llorado ensayo,
necia experiencia que costosa tanto
fue que Icaro ya su propio llanto
lo anegó enternecido
como el entendimiento aquí vencido,
no menos de la inmensa muchedumbre
de tanta maquinosa pesadumbre
de diversas especies conglobado
esférico compuesto,
que de las cualidades
de cada cual cedió tan asombrado
que, entre la copia puesto,
pobre con ella en las neutralidades
de un mar de asombros, la elección confusa
equívoco las ondas zozobraba.
Y por mirarlo todo; nada veía,
ni discernir podía,
bota la facultad intelectiva
en tanta, tan difusa
incomprensible especie que miraba
desde el un eje en que librada estriba
la máquina voluble de la esfera,
el contrapuesto polo,
las partes ya no sólo,
que al universo todo considera
serle perfeccionantes
a su ornato no más pertenecientes;
mas ni aun las que ignorantes;
miembros son de su cuerpo dilatado,
proporcionadamente competentes.
Mas como al que ha usurpado
diuturna obscuridad de los objetos
visibles los colores
si súbitos le asaltan resplandores,
con la sombra de luz queda más ciego:
que el exceso contrarios hace efectos
en la torpe potencia, que la lumbre
del sol admitir luego
no puede por la falta de costumbre;
y a la tiniebla misma que antes era
tenebroso a la vista impedimento,
de los agravios de la luz apela
y una vez y otra con la mano cela
de los débiles ojos deslumbrados
los rayos vacilantes,
sirviendo va piadosa medianera
la sombra de instrumento
para que recobrados
por grados se habiliten,
porque después constantes
su operación más firme ejerciten.
Recurso natural, innata ciencia
que confirmada ya de la experiencia,
maestro quizá mudo,
retórico ejemplar inducir pudo
a uno y otro galeno
para que del mortífero veneno,
en bien proporcionadas cantidades,
escrupulosamente regulando
las ocultas nocivas cualidades,
ya por sobrado exceso
de cálidas o frías,
o ya por ignoradas simpatías
o antipatías con que van obrando
las causas naturales su progreso,
a la admiración dando, suspendida,
efecto cierto en causa no sabida,
con prolijo desvelo y remirada,
empírica
Grey insistent rain
is falling on my world.
Sad shriveling old asphalt
shrugs off abandonment
and lies stoic in the cold and wet.
Looking out my window
I see people pass splashing.
Shall I put on my 'winter weeds'
and go amongst them unknown?
Then, as the rain pelts my body,
I can touch my chest and whisper,
"Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa."*

But I am not washed clean.
I walk a lonely mile into the wind.
I see mud, and stark branches
and metallic traffic blurring by
and in my commonness I am invisible.
Suddenly a sob bursts from me
from the depths of my longing
and I look around to be sure no one heard.
But if they did, there's no sign.

I walk on to a park close to my home
and stand against a tall majestic tree.
Its branches enfold me
and keep me from the rain.
The roots are so very deep.
I feel my sadness dwindle to the ground
and I am weak, but my heart's less torn.
The storm inside me, like the storm outside has quelled.
Distracted and confused I make my way home.
I sleep to dream of some fabled sun.
Some other world, some other dimension.
Some other me.
*More than 50 years ago Catholics were expected to recite the confession of sins, “Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.”
The English translation now asks them to admit their sins by saying, “My fault, my fault, my most grievous fault,” while softly striking their chests with their fists.

'Winter weeds'. I am doing a play on words of the expression 'Widows weeds' which was the mourning clothes a widow would wear for the better part of a year after her spouse's death. I think winter is almost as hard to take when it rains incessantly here on the coast and so ironically say 'winter weeds' for rainwear.
Ken Pepiton May 2019
to me? Real with a certified S.King filtered -ly mod,
by god,
as the oh myers say. On Writing sans Shining.
Needful fiction,
Liars prosper. Okeh. Thus,
the poor we have with us, always.

Truth t' tell.

Entshallah allathat, OMG samesame
good mastah willin' creeks don't rise

Do the work. Come Sunday, someday,
we, all us, say.

You ever finish your own work one day and jest

sit back lax - lacks a daisy, taken easy,
laxative action,
gut synapse
synch-up, cinch that saddle on my wildest
old Nightmare, beat my plow
back to a oil drum,

set some feats t'dancin' in some ol'lady minds.

old man's angels seen t'be jiggin' on
the head o' some pen
in the hand

worth two in the bush.

Who know what ever mean, okeh.

period. point made signal.
that was said and it's writ.

set it aside, let it dry

crumble to dust and be scattered to the five great gyres
to settle
as sands
ifiable quant, to mortal mind, weighable
any worth assigned as
sought or ought,
a grain,
a mote,
as seen with five gee augmented
lenses
prestandards beeing raised in the buzz
from Utah

as an erranded boy's sail bike lifts into if
from the saline shore.
Bike tires adhered to passive-ly

by molecular
memories of being
in truth, as if
once and ever,
salt of the earth, see in the distance,
Lot's wife

as tiny as can be

Na and CL, for ever,
deja wuwuish it were possible… dream… or die…

no don't. There is a reason. I for get it can not right now but these
keys can be

used right by the sober one in the batch.
God, I love this process. This is the work. Living.
You can do it as long as you can pay attention…

selah

then it, the algorithm, I'll go rhythm, pauses,
Spelchkovian spells masters seem sorry we ever agreed she'd
leave me leavened as dust
lying around
on white linen
in the streets of Laredo, as cold as the clay,

back in the day,
we sang that song in school. We sang
in movie theaters, along with a
bouncing ball and other people,

big bio jump here. My step-brother was murdered,
and it never seemed relative…

my father married a wombed man with one leg,
whose family sang along with Mitch,

and played Spit in the Ocean.

Such experiences ificate possibilities few knew
some survive.
There could be a contributory flow…

This ever lasting book of life.
See, a shore, sand bar
snag a thought rainbowing true to you

hang-ups from way back

Any boomer bubble popped too soon. Manifest at will.
P-pickup from scratch and
make a point
to infect the next pun unknoticing kid,

old -time slow hand-eye coordination special ed, Big Ern,
kicking chalk dust in far right field, noticing
patterns
in the leftmost vector straight home--

grand children, for the joy of knowing they happened,
caused,
to all outward appearance,
by my survival of several unbelievable

periences ex nihilo only
if "It don't mean nothing".

link link link something has broken, what do we con tribute tributary flow
too dammed salty, got to puddle around

waiting. waiting. waiting for one point
to be made
edged on all angles, to each mea culpa assured
quantifiability of reason,

inquizical sequence surpast
glistering

whetted and furbished for ever,

the keenness
the cut, precision decision

and how swiftly forms the scab,
a touch,

capillary seals, the grain, at HD,
one pixelish crystallin charge

change that,
by taking thought. It does nothing to your stature,

think allusive butterflies of lifenshit

it gets tiresome. A body wants some rest from ever
meaning ever and never was known
or heard
a dis cora zone age word, like

troglodyte or luddite Denisovan bracelet breaker,
ropemaker union with certain silky
threads
to which a little leaven always sticks
as would caterpillar spit.

Meandering, right, it's the play. My role.
I manifest the dance
as seen on the surface, from Jim's POV,

then my own POV,
then my own rivers of no return,
tribute

'ary a day goes by I don't re call that feeling,

flow is moving paster and paster the walls are
higher
shade deeper
colder'n'hell fersher, rapids.
Ah,

Kern River, I remember this.
Almond trees, Columbus clouds…
Hey, readerman, paperbackwriter wannabe,

we survived. What'sa-hell, right's right.

clap. there is a - an  STD joke there.
But those aren't funny

right,
standup guy says right's right, does a
Johnny Unitas stiff arm
and gets a case of
clap from the left, worse than meaningless

neo **** non clapping on the right.
Repent or perish.
****** if it don't feel good to say that.
It's true, once you know,

Gertrude Stein, I got it from her. Lesbian Jewish leaven
in passover brownies dipped in Mogen David,
she made me stand and say a rosary.

By any other name,

a rose is a rose and so on
it's like when the universe sends little blue men in cheesehead hats with...
clues from the fat guy on the subway in Heroes... "Do the Work. make war not art... life is a sequel we already got paid for. Maybe." I just learned hp stars out *** not if spelt o*m*g
Geno Cattouse Jun 2013
Father Stokle bowed his head and softly
struck his chest with his right fist, gently The left side where the heart resides.
Three times rhythmically.
Mia Culpa.
Mia  Culpa.

Mia Maxima Culpa.

Mass in Latin.
worlds ago.

That ceremony of contrition rings loudly for
me still. Cant say why.

Translated.

Through my fault.
Through my fault.
Through my most grievous fault.

— The End —