i can’t eat
i can’t breathe
i can't calm down
a war in my mind between storms and oceans
while on the outside i tremble with my mouth glued shut
eyes burning from holding back tears.
my anxiety comes in waves, drowning me while i’m gasping for air and i never know when it will consume me next.
anxiety is my silent killer
i never know when it will strike me next and no one ever sees it strangling me
i'm scared
i'm scared you’re going to get sick of it
the anxiety,
the apologies,
having to hold me together,
taking care of me,
and my constant fears.
fears of not being good enough,
fears of being annoying,
fears of being too clingy,
fears of you leaving me.
who can handle all of that?

I can't sleep
Everytime I remember your words
They snap and recoil
And hurt me awake
Next time when someone
Promises me forever
I'll just smile
Look them in the eyes and ask
How long is forever to you.

You wonder if she knows
If she can tell how deep it goes
This sadness that you carry neath your skin.

You wonder if she sees
The way you fall down to your knees
And how hard it is to get back up again.

You fear she’ll walk away
Leaving nothing in her wake
But the broken, shattered pieces of your soul.

But if you’d look, you’d see
She’s aware of everything
And she’s holding tight, trying to keep you whole.

I don't ******* food when I eat.

Love isn't supposed to make you want to go back to therapy.

I felt good about myself when you held my hand.

My comfort zone was so big with you, I was able to step out of it.

You think I'm stupid for not knowing how to love you.

You think I'm broken because I can't love you.

My bones are so heavy they can't get away,

My heart is so empty it wants to scream.

I don't think this is what love is,

just because you do.

when people are in love
they often say
they simply fell
tripped over their own two feet
face forward
and into the arms of their beloved

i did more than simply fall
onto the ground of your love

you, for me
were an ocean
and i dived
headfirst
roughly
harshly
almost painfully
into the waters of “you”

i knew i could not swim
but i did so anyway
i was drowning
entangled in you
surrounded by this being of “you”
engulfed in this feeling of “you”

and i did not know what came over me
but i let myself drown
i did not try to swim back up
because if i went back to land,
releasing myself from your grasp
that would mean losing the feeling of “you”

and after
submerging into the depth
the love
the passion
of “you”

how could i ever leave?

July 20,2017

and here i am
   thousands of miles away
far from home
and i still cant relax

and here i am
   thousands of miles in the air
and my chest still feels as heavy as before.

I stopped checking for monsters under the bed,
when I realized they were inside all of us instead

When we're in the car
After we had an argument
And I know he's stressed
When he doesn't understand why our sister is on medication
Or why somedays I don't get out of bed
Or why we're back in court
Or why our parents are divorced
Or why my mother cries
Or why sometimes I have to parent him
Take care of him


Sometimes
On quiet nights
I hold my brothers hand
Because when I was young
I would've done anything
For anyone to tell me anything was okay
That I wasn't going crazy
That sometimes people just hurt
Sometimes I hold my brothers hand
Because when I was young
I would've done anything

For someone to hold mine

And he set the world on fire...
A futile attempt to revive her long deceased smile
His eyes more manic, more frantic, as the flames grew higher
Embers danced through the sky to the song of the crackling orange and yellow hues
Yet, as more and more ash filled the sky,
Her pale, porcelain, face remained blank
Her eyes remained in the same melancholy, empty, gaze
For her smile perished long ago
His fruitless efforts could never bring it back to life