You are the bright city lights of places I’ve never been.
And when I make way there, to those distances,
You are the sugar sweet cinnamon in cafes
Chasing down the coffee on my lips.
How do I explain you?

You… you’re laughter in the waiting room
And I find myself snorting with derision when
The other patients look over frowning, their eyes vacant.
Because you’re the inside joke no one else seems to get.
Oh, yes. You.

You’re the wind on the top of the mountain
And I spread my arms wide like wings
While the wind whips my hair around my face and
When I close my eyes, I can hear you sing
Across the mountain ranges
In hues of distant lavenders and blues.
I want to get lost in you.

You are the warm blanket fireside, where
Others are asking to join me and wrap themselves in.
You are a Great Lake, hidden
And I walked for miles to trace the edges
With blistered heels, chapped hands
Crouching down to send ripples across
Such a pure and clear surface
Reflecting the beauty of the glorious heavens.

Oh, yes. You.
Are a melody of metaphors beyond all reason or explanation.

I saw something today
That reminded me of you
So I picked up my phone
Put in your number
And excitedly waited to talk to you
But with every ring you didn't pick up
My heart dropped lower out of my chest
.
.
"I'm not near my phone right now.. that or I'm purposely ignoring you Shanon just leave a message at the beep.. or don't whatever"
.
Beep
.
.

And it all hit me all over again
The feeling of choking
On my own tears
Drowning out the rest of the world
Because it had been so long
Since I last heard your voice
Yet it seemed it was only yesterday
We were playing street hockey
And making fun of eachother
And talking on the phone all night long
Just to hang out all day after
...
We would talk about our past
And what our future may hold
We talked about our demons
And secrets we never told
...
I remember being so angry
The day you left
After all we've been through
No sorry
No goodbye
Not even a single note
Explaining why
You decided I wasn't enough reason
For you to not climb into that bathtub
And press that razor blade onto your skin
...
How dare the sky rumble
When they took your lifeless body just to throw it in the ground
How dare the others cry
When you didn't make a single sound
How dare the birds still sing
When the world was falling apart
How dare the moon still come up
When nothing in the universe seemed to make sense
How dare they believe poems had to rhyme
How dare they still talk about the good old days
How dare they believe for one second they knew you at all
And most of all
How dare you--

How dare you leave me so broken
How dare you leave me so alone
How dare you call me your best friend
Just to leave me on my own?
...
The darkness lingering around my past
Found a deeper grip around my soul that day
As I watched pieces of my heart
Leave with you
.
.
.
Now I find myself sitting here awkwardly
Finally being able to string these useless letters
Into coherent words
To ask you if you're still listening up in the clouds
How dare you not pick up anymore
When I call you on the phone?


~Who else am I supposed to talk to when late at night my demons won't be put to sleep?
Who else am I supposed to talk to when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and weep?

I am infuriatingly out glowed with ecstasy
by  post traumatic serotonin rush of the accident of
that my law breaking motor bike hit in another car
whom purely taking his turn to the left

Now it is the dawn of dusk, last few seconds of the day
but I never wanted to wash the blood of the scratches I got
instated  I purely enjoy seen them drying up
nonetheless It felt to my juvenile mind some protagonist kind of a pride about me
keep walking with blood splatted white linen shirt and black shades
I am an ecstatic
I showed both the fingers to the docs and to the hospital staff
you know the prospect patient with an insurance

I was an innocent law breaker, Juvenile
thus no wonder why I see that turning to the left is never right
and of course neither to right is right because
the hospital , that was in the right from the junction
I only rode my bike straight in narrow bleak space of
all among the mid day traffic jam of insanely busy people

by the way car driver was a good guy
though he doesn't own that hybrid black boy he drove
we shook hands , shared good byes and  I came back home
then breaking the virtue of healthy non smoking
I lit a cigarette

Why do I love people
That cannot love me back?

"You used to be much muchier"
And why is it that
Some people never feel those attacks?
Is there such a thing as strength?
Do I always have to be that?

I thought there was a “braver” ***
So why am I always saving them?
Taking care of them,
Playing pretend
In their little sandbox of existence?

No. The goddess within
Demands
More than I can
Ever seem to attract.

I have this notion
That humans aren't meant to get close
To other humans
That people aren't meant to love
Other people
That hearts aren't made to bond
With other hearts

We are but floating bodies
Looking for life's purpose
Believing in this ridiculous notion
That love is real

For love is nothing but empty promises
And broken hearts full of sorrow
Love leaves nothing but bruises
And tears hoping for a better tomorrow

So don't apologize for leaving
Apologize you promised to stay
Alas I should've known better
People always leave anyway

And you tell me I'm cynical
You tell me I'm broken
You tell me I'm crazy
You tell me....
But that doesn't matter does it

It doesn't matter what you do
It doesn't matter what you say
Because in the end I'm right
In the end you'd never stay
...