Written by anyone else I would read what follows and guffaw,
No doubt!
And say between laughing tears,
"What a mug!"
"How insecure!"
Yet you cannot be insecure
About something which does not matter,
And neither can you feel dread
At something coming that
You do not mind about,

I can be objective and say
I knew this day would come,
And if not this day then one day
That the moment will arrive,
I can say the truth,
I love enough to let you go
And indeed dance at your wedding,
As indeed I shall if I am invited,
Yet the keen pain that I now feel is
More the knowing that those three

Small yet massive words we shared,
Rising inexorably from my heart
And yours (then at least),
Have changed everything for me,
Every. Thing.
And I can no more stiffen my lip nor
Be just pleased for you because my heart,
Oh GOD my poor bewildered heart
Is dying now inside my chest,

And with my heart dies the last
Vestige of hope for me,
Hope of a shoulder on which to lean in
Those rare times of need,
Hope of one to love me warts and all,
Hope of one into whom I can pour all of me
Without let or doubt or hindrance,
Hope for that one love we all crave,
And we all know that without hope?
We die.

Your verse speaks of
Constraints from beyond
The grave as if love
And life and joy are
Forever taken from you,

Yet your life is far
From wrecked by that man,
And you so much greater
And more amazing than
You it seems perceive,

Your soul is great
And good and pure,
Your beauty burns from
Deep beneath your
Alabaster skin,

And even if you
Cannot see the worth of you
Or hurl aside that vile constraint,
You have a counter at your side,
One to protect your from the storm

A counter that costs you
Not a penny nor a dime,
A counter to carry you
That's always there and free,
And lest you wonder where or what

That counter,

Love,

Is me!

Can change a life,
Yet not just the one
That you'd expect,
Not just the existence
Of two souls involved
But also those of others,
For not just our hearts
Were gladdened
When I said that I love you,
But another heart jumped at that
Phrase for it pleased
Your mother too

There is for everything under heaven a time,
And mine has come,
And mine has been,
And mine has become history,
And so now time for something new,
For someone new,
Someone with whom to enjoy
The benefit of all the lessons learned
With me,
Someone fresh and unsullied
By our mistakes
And our cocking up,
The rows and the stupid misunderstandings,
A bright new future in
Those sunny uplands we oft discussed,
Those painful conversations
We both hated to perceive the truth of
Have come home at last to roost,
For everything under heaven
A time comes,
For everything and everyone
A time also leaves,
So now I am left,
Now I am alone,
As perhaps
Indeed
Should be.

Over half a century served now,
Two kids
Two weddings
And one heart attack,
A life chequered with
Equal good and dark and downright bad,
Joy brought to some
Yet to others pain,
So I wonder now,
Can two rights
Overcome one wrong?

Yes I have done my part,
Brought some to faith,
Helped more to a better
More empowered life,
Loved and been loved
And yet always it seems
Lifting others to fly
Like eager doves
To greater things,
Greater lives,
Better loves and more,

Yet still I wonder,
Can two rights correct
One wrong?
Can even I be saved,
Is salvation there for
Even one such as I?
I have been called
An angel,
Even offered wings to
Others comfort
And encouragement,
Yet I so feel that darker side,
That darker things has done,

And so as this journey
Draws to its conclusion
I find myself drawing in
To myself yet still
Extended,
(Over so in fact) to the wellbeing of these others,
Still there for them and yet
At heart and
In the dark
I am alone aside
From the judgement

Of unelected disdainful
Self-righteous prigs
Yet here I am,
Up to my **** in alligators
Yet still trying to drain
Other people's swamps,
Still bailing while
Dodging the bites and
Still quiet,
Still alone,
In the dark,
As the coffin lid,
Slides home.

Do indeed stay close
In the hard times,
I have stuck by you
And had your back in
The face of your *******
Tirades,
Come flowers in hand to bind wounds
That you inflicted upon yourself,
As well as me,
And not just emotional but
Some which spilled real blood too,
Yet always here to do your dishes,
To cook,
Clean your hob and hold you,
Murmur love through your anger
And your pain,
I am far more than a true friend,
I am partner
Protector and
Lover
Without end

Girls and ladies dream
Of and desire
A knight in shining armour,
Gallantry and bravery to
Sweep them from their feet
To a happily ever after,

But take it from
One who knows,
No knight that ever fought
For his lady
Had her back,
Has armour shining pure,

It takes sacrifice and
Mental melee - sometimes brutal
To maintain love in this desperate
War called life,
And no man did a hard day's work
Nor fought in war and

Came away unscathed and undirtied,
A true knight's armour,
Though burnished as best may be
And glittering in the sun
Has dents and gouges absent
In a woman's dreams,

Every mistake every failure
Shows in his history and
Cannot be polished out
But that he polishes what remains
Is testament to a true heart,
And a man worth keeping

Love is not the thing
Of films or fantasy,
Because love is between people,
And people are ****** hard,
Especially thee,
But so much more so me,

Love is what we find and found
In the roughest of times,
When argument ceased in favour
Of helping and caring,
In reaching out to the one
In who's hands resides your heart,

And heart is where love is,
Heart not head nor gut,
Not head nor sexuality,
But heart with all its
Irrationality and passion,
Because heart,

And love,

Mean everything

Is a precious commodity,
Hard won and easily lost,
And once lost doubly, triply,
A thousandfold harder to regain,
A fact of which I am reminded
Over and ever over
By those who appoint themselves
To my judging panel,

No matter any right for redemption,
Repentence or change,
Only the justifief raging of the injured,
The gleeful snarling of the lookers on,
It is enough that a man might
Reasonably give pause and thoughts of ending,
Indeed I have had bleakness
Well up enough to drown me,

Pulled and pushed toward the dark,
Towards despair,
Towards oblivion,
Towards an ending offering restitution to the injured
And entertainment to the chattering hangers on
But my spirit is strong enough,
Or maybe I am just
Too ****** obstinate,

I have survived long enough
To see that other force,
The one that can rescue even a wretch like me,
Even the sorest damaged victim
From this dismal purgatory,
From perennial, repeated argument,
Recrimination and pointless sniping,
A veritable undeniable force,
So gentle yet indomitable,
A force to sunder grief and reconnect aching hearts,

Put aside the rage and hurt
Dismiss the hangers on,
(Prurient perverts all,)
And build anew
A better stronger life,
An edifice anchored
Upon rock
And that force

That thing between us,
That revelation that mystery
All along was love,
Love in all its glory,
Corinthian love,
Patient and kind,
Unenvying and humble
Honourable not self seeking,

Above all
Slow to anger and swift to forget
A slight or insult,
That love I found still feebly burning
In my heart for thee,
And peering through the battle smoke,
Sifting through the wreckage
Of us,

I found that same dim flame in you,
Flame I now gently blow upon,
Nurture and feed,
Watch grow back towards a greatness
Sufficient to burn old wounds,
Incinerate infection and leave behind
Hearts touched by a refiners fire,
Silver-proofed against doubt despair.and trepidation.

OUR hearts
OUR love,
OUR future.
And
I
Am
******
Glad

How many poems have I writ?
And how easy has the process been?
To think and to conjure from my brain
Unto the printed page,

Ideas and concepts flowing
in a seamless joyous
Tide of vocabulary and
Profusion

Until a while ago.
When everything.
Just.
Stopped.

So what is it?
What is this ******* thing
That circumvents my joy
And my creativity?

Where is it skulking?
Coward! Come forth,
Be fought!
But it would not

Did not
And I did not write,
My pen was silent
But not my creativity,

Until I met some strangers
Who became immediate
Fast friends and true,
I opened up

And ideas flew,
Turns out
The block was that no one actually
Asked me to write,
No one and especially not me!

Well these new friends did,
And the blockage,
In that instant,
Died
And went

And so this verse,
Poor though it be,
And first in quite a while,
Has indeed

Snuck out

Under

The wire

Another day's dawning
With attendant bird's chorus
Backdrop to my awakening,
A new sun's beaten gold orb
Hauls over the horizon hard edge
As my feet pad,
With the rest of me,
To ablution,
Shower,
My morning tea,

Over cereal my mind
Considers the day ahead,
The tasks ahead,
The people with whom
I'll interact,
The ones I'll try to help
To better things
And higher flight in life
And in that moment
I ponder my own mortality

Which at some point
Will come home to roost
Although I dont know
Quite when,
Nor where,
Nor how,
Back in my room
A familiar lump is strangely
Still beneath
The duvet
Oh!

That day mortality
Comes home to roost,
That day briefly
Regarded each morning,
That time for this flawed
And challenged man
To cross the bar,
Head West,
To buy the farm,
To turn home,
That day it seems

Was now

It seems I have been fighting
One way or another
My entire life,
For justice,
Recognition,
For a chance,
Success,
To right a wrong,
To be heard,
Sometimes I have simply
Been an agent of chaos,
At war with myself or
Maybe just from habit?
I really do not know,
But this thing I do now know,

I am done with fighting,
Done with begging
And proving and supplication,
Done with over egging
The situation,
Done with self recrimination
And recrimination of other people,
Done with fighting,
Done with guilt,
Finished with manoeuvring
And tactics and strategy,
Or whatever that label is,
Ÿou either love me
Or you don't,
You will want me,
Or you wont,

I no longer need to win,
I no longer need be right,
Heck I can cope
With being wrong -
Who knew?
I just need to know,
And from that moment onward,
In very truth from this one,
One way or another
You and I
Will have peace,
Because
The wars,
Are OVER,
We have reached
Our armistice

You have a life of oppression and suppression,
Of no appreciation,
Self-worth strangled at birth,
And now that suppressed rage
And sobbing frustration has
Been released by my stupidity,
To snap and snarl and attempt
To rip out the throat of someone,
Anyone,
Me,

In truth I deserved to die,
But I am still alive
And still loving you,
I still have your back and
All the vitriol and spite I accept
And dispose of safely,
And now finally you are weary
Of the fight, (me too)
And I am still here in love,
Still holding you,

God willing I always will

We have spoken of tacking
Our ships away,
Changing our divergence
From one mile
For every sixty sailed,
To one mile every mile
As we part at ninety degrees,

Having sailed close aboard
A few years with
Turbulent waters between
Our hulls
Offset by occassional beautiful
Moments of sunrise
And reddened dusk,

The sun is now more often
Obscured by storm clouds,
Black and angry,
Unfeeling and irrational,
Lightning-full and dangerous,
With fewer sunny moments
Or even any forecast

The wind is picking up,
And the waves have
White caps on their heads,
Spray bursts more often
Over my bow and the rain
Is freezing now
Time not to tack so much

As wear ship,
Turn away from the wind,
Give up the beat to windward,
Accept the futility
Of a fools errand,
Slamming into a sea that
Does not forgive nor want me,

Turn instead south,
Away from the teeth of
A gale driven by spite and ADHD,
Sail south and hope to find
A sunnier clime
Before my ship

Finally

Sinks

I am that well that
Was never dug,
Some people laid scratches
In the earth
But that was all,
Discovered that digging
Is hard and takes
Up effort,
When my soil was not
Already freshly dug
They elect to dig elsewhere,
And leave my copious
Waters untapped,
Unsupped,
Unloved

We know my history,
The black bits are recent
And very well picked over
And more inquisition
Is yet to come,
Of that there is
No doubt,

But I am not chasing a history,
At least not one that has
Yet been made,
I am rather chasing
A future yet to be,
A future and relationship featuring you,
A future featuring me

So what do I bring to the party?
What goodness might I add?
What benefit to your life
Lies within me?
We know the darkness
And have tasted it
More than enough,

Well the darkness in me
Was torn out by the root,
My deeper good sees now
That machiavellian maneuvers
Do not carry the day
Nor bring satisfaction or even
A shred of victory,

And that deeper decent
Part of me now rejects that
Darker path in favour of the truth,
No matter what the pain,
To me or any other,
For sensitivity can sometimes Be but an excuse to lie,

So away with BS what is left?
As it happens my lady love,
What is left is all that you
Ever believed you had,
For truth be told,
And I am bleeding hard as I type these words
The good you saw was not a lie,

I truly am the knight
That these pages do reflect,
I am at heart a loyal warrior,
Who's sword and heart
Belong to you,
My eyes will not wander
Nor my hand,

But that is airey fairey stuff,
What of the real world?
I hear you ask
I promise always to be at your side,
To have your back come what may,
To support you in every way
With every thing I own,

My physicality and expertise,
My wit and my comfort
Especially my embrace and my hug
A massage on demand
My money such as I may ever have
I dedicate to us
With an open heart,

I will be your secret if you wish, Or if allowed
I will broadcast from the rooftops
That love we share,
And we will own our relationship
Without shame because
We found the truth of us
In love between our hearts,

I will not leave you lady,
Not while these lungs draw breath,
I will honour you in every way I can,
I will do jobs about your house,
Your wish be my command,
Because in pleasing you I find
I find mine own reward,

And I will love you,
Quietly and with humility,
All the days of my life,
I will delight in your successes
And comfort you in distress,
You will never need to seek
An ally nor for help

For this loving man already
Is these things,
And we will live out our dreams,
Bring good and joy
To the wider world,
As well as to
Each other

You crossed the line my friend,
After a lifetime of doing what you would
Without fear of reprisal,
To whoever wherever whenever you wished,
You crashed into my orbit
And hurt one of mine,
One who I happen to care about,

They say that what goes around
Comes around and I do not
Doubt you have given lip service
To that exact phrase
And thought nothing of it
Let alone seen in
It your own demise

But those words are true and
Tonight they come home to roost,
You hurt one of mine yet felt so safe,
This time though what comes
Is tall and bald and bearded and bad
And tonight you creep,
You die

...that I saw
And how did it mine eyes perceive?
For I saw - albeit with hindsights perfect focus -
Beauty and passion and God,
But how did that shine?

How did that preciousness
That value and that potential
Light mine eyes
Through all those layers
And years of accumulated ****?

Yet once seen such a glow,
However glimmering or pale,
Cannot be denied nor yet become
Unseen nor unknown, and
Definitely not undesired,

And now the effort spent
Spitting on rags,
Buffing hard to remove
Decades of perceived unworthiness
Are bearing fruit,

For now I see a more
Even lustre as my
Project and my protégé
Steps out in confidence
And power,

Shining ever brighter
With a light inextinguishable,
Because although my effort
Undoubtedly played its part ,
It's GOD that's powered this change,

Not me...

When something is lost,
As my keys were,
One searches for it
With varying degrees
Of diligence and desperation,

We trace and retrace our steps,
Looking in the same spaces
For the same thing
With the same result,
But wearier each time

Until at last the item
Is retrieved and found,
In that case by you,
Keys sun-glinting
In your hand

A wonderful shared moment,
Relief and triumph,
A happy weariness
At laying eyes upon the lost
Now found,

Yet how does it work,
This new dynamic?
Because what is lost
Is right here in my heart,
She can be hugged and yet

Is still

Utterly

Lost

Who knew how much,
Indeed how well
I loved you?
You didn't,
They didn't,

Who knew I would have
Given up my all?
Indeed in fact I was so doing?
You didn't,
They didn't,

Who knew that behind
My flawed action was
Not a jot of cynical or sinister motive?
You didn't,
They didn't

Who knew it was real,
And true and forever
My love?
You didn't,
They didn't

Who knows it's irrelevant now,
Too late for that reconciliation
I dreamed and prayed for?
Who knows I'm dying?
Ah,
Just me

I used the wind alone
Just me in my boat
And savouring every second
Of solitude,
Every ounce of effort to
Master the elements,

Then you came and suddenly
I was unfaithful to my solitude
And unfaithful to the wind,
I savoured the sight and sound
Of you as crew and sense
Of shared endeavour,

But sharing did not last
And you are no more my crew
In any sense at all,
And sail was spoiled by you
Not there nor was mine own
Company sufficient,

But the wind was kind,
The wind saw,
The wind understood.
The wind was loyal to my heart,
And the wind - the wind
Was waiting

Sometimes words are weapons
Add an s or a certain order and
They will cut to the bone,
Eviscerate a  bowel,
Destroy a dream,
End a life,
Break a lovelorn heart

Other times sans s fronted
They caress a weary cheek,
Lift up a tired soul
And reassure a faltered
Dream that its time
Too will come to
Faultless fruition

We speak thousands of words
Every day of our lives
Without thought,
And spoken they come
With added edges and jagged spurs
Of intonation, tone,
Expression

Or with balm for healing,
Warmth for the cold
Respite for the bewildered
Mind and soul
Lifting up repairing all
And making good
On harm

But beware the poem
Most of all! for it
Is a fearsome trap
For the unready author
Who writhes upon the created flow
Struck from their own verse
Read well by another,

For poems tell our truth
Warts and all,
And like singing lay us bare
To critic judge and common herd,
Who hear, absorb
And find us whole and
Nowhere left to hide,

We are forced to face
Reaction,
Reaction to our souls and hearts
Captured upon a pen's point,
Pinned to a board or a page
And read aloud
Where all can see

And what do you hear?
What do you see?
My God you see
The real and naked,,
The one and only,
Me.....

Hypocrite,
*******,
*******,
Poor Christian,
***,
Insincere,
Liar,
Narcissist,
Immature,
Weak,
Toxi­c,
These are just a few of the things
You call me when it suits,
From your precious
You-centredness superiority,
And you fail to see that
Self-centredness IS narcissism,
Leave aside that narcissism,
Even if I was,
(SERIOUSLY?! With my degree of empathy?)
Is not a problem,
Toxic narcissism is!
And I am not that either,
But I interrupt my own flow,
These things these words
That you hurl with wild abandon
Do indeed matter,
And they hurt,
They cut deeper than you know,
Have consequences,
And deep inside I am bleeding out,
So soon and very soon
The tense will change,
Words will have mattered,
Because I wont be about
Any more to be harmed,
And you will still blame me,
Because it is never ever your fault,
Not the words you choose,
Not the things you do,
Is it?