i think that the reason what you had said hurt me so badly was because it was the truth. as much as i hated to hear what you said. it was the truth. the cold. hard. truth.

ever since i was a little kid i had always wondered if i had felt love for someone other than my family. i used to look up the signs that you're in love and read books upon books about how to fall in love when i realized that the books and magazine articles don't define when you can feel love or ways to make you fall in love. you do it all yourself. when you meet that perfect person that's when you fall in love. not in a certain time frame. it is all about who you meet and sets your soul on fire and makes you feel love. you can't force love to come by eating healthy for two weeks and listening to slow jazz music. it all comes when your heart whispers to you that you have found the one.

we were so close. we were inseparable. it was always you and me. me and you. if you asked me to do anything i would do it at the snap of a finger and had thought that you would do the same but i later found out that that wasn’t the reality of it all. when you asked me to take a sip of something that i knew i shouldn’t have and you asked me to hang out with people that i knew were bad for me i should’ve said no but i didn’t because i would do anything for you and you knew that but you took advantage of that and manipulated me to two words with no meaning. best friend. best friend is the label that you put on it. when i didn’t want to do something that i knew was bad you wrapped me up in the words best friend and made me blind to the obvious truth of it all it was all just for you and not because you actually might’ve seen value in our friendship. was it? it was all for you when the new boy at our school called you hot and you left everyone for him. you stopped calling. texting. asking. instead. you left me and all of our memories behind and you acted as if we had never shared secrets as if we had never stayed up until two in the morning talking about stupid boys or complaining about our parents rules you act as if it is nothing. that our friendship was nothing. that i am nothing. and when that new boy finally asks you out and touches you how you want you officially leave me. then. you realize that you need a friend but you can’t come back to me because of what you did to me. to us. to our friendship. so. you find the people that are weak and easy to prey on so that you can get what you want and leave just how you did to me. you apologize to me over and over again and i keep accepting you back into my life hoping that maybe you changed. but i was wrong again. because you wrote me that three page letter and said that i ruined you and your only sources of happiness are this boy you swear you’re in love with and this sad replacement of me as a friend. every single word that you wrote hurts. it feels like a slap in the face after everything that i had done for you. i lied for you. i did everything for you. and this is what i get. a ****** three page letter telling me that i’m not good enough for you but after sometime i realized. the reason that you did that was because you are selfish. and you always have been. selfish

waiting for you is like waiting for rain in a desert

i want to write about you in a way that captivates people and makes them wish they had our feelings. but, i truly cannot fathom putting the feelings that i have for you in words. there is simply no way to describe how warm my heart feels when i am with you.

for the first time in quite a longtime i am happy. not the kind of happy like fake laughs at terrible jokes or the happy that never has some sort of real meaning. right now. november 2017. i am happy. i can feel my heart race when something good happens to someone else. i smile at everyone that i see. i find joy in helping others and i'm not afraid of love. i am not afraid to care for someone or to tell someone how much they mean to me. my walls have come crashing down. but not so loudly to the point where all of the people that hurt me come running back to damage the new heart that i fixed. but to the point where they came down softly and not all at once and people that i thought were just passing by saw the good. happy side of me and decided that they want to stay there. stay in my life. not to trash it and throw everything that they don't like away. but to clean it up and make it sunny again.

i sit in my bed with the window open trying to fall asleep to the sound of the crickets chirping and i think of summer. as the song "chasing cars" plays i get a whiff of every memory that i had last summer. the endless laughs. so many tube rides. how many competitions we had of who can jump in the water the furthest. there is so much more. i can feel my happiness from the memories. i can feel the warmth of the sun in my heart and i can feel the water from the lake down my face as i cry. i cry. i cry about the losses. the laughs and the me that i used to be and it hurts because i know that once i close my eyes and fall into a deep sleep i will never feel that way again. i will never feel the warmth how i used to. i will never laugh how i used to and i will not feel how i used to.

i do my hair over ten times in the morning so my hair will look nice at school for people. i workout three times a day and eat almost nothing so that when i wear my tight cheer leading uniform people don’t say “oh look it’s the fat cheerleader again”. i wear red lipstick and wear ten coats of mascara so that i will look smarter and more trustworthy like the beauty quizzes say i will. i wear so much makeup to cover up my teenage flaws and “natural beauty” so that when people look at me they won’t see anything wrong with me or say “gosh **** she’s so ugly”. i spend all of my money on clothes that make my features look better because i don’t want a boy to say that I have a flat chest or ****. i whiten my teeth everyday of the week with charcoal so when boys tell me to smile “because it’s ****” they don’t have to see a yellow nasty smile. i stay up so late at night to study for test after test so my friends won’t have to say “yeah that’s my friend with the point five IQ”. i do so much for other people to love and accept me that i forget to love myself and it hurts. it hurts to know that i’ll never see myself the way the my parents or sisters see me.

i hear that you were with someone new. i want to say to the girl to watch out because you were just like the devil in disguise i know that sounds crazy but i’ve heard stories that the devil is beautiful but you cannot be fooled by his beauty because on the inside he is just waiting for the perfect moment to get what he wants and leave. he will make your relationship great at first. he’ll kiss you gently and let you make all of the decisions but as soon as he sees that you are getting comfortable he will turn his back and he will either kiss you only when he needs to or he won’t kiss you at all and then he’ll take away every right you have in the relationship and you’ll think that it’s just him having a bad day and that it’ll pass but, sweetie it won’t. he will take everything that you have and will make you feel terrible but you won’t leave because you think that he loves you and that he is having a moment but that’s not it. you got too comfortable. once you do something he doesn’t like such as hang out with people he doesn’t like or wearing make up because it makes you look ugly he’ll take everything that you have gave him and every secret you told him and he will use it against you. he will hurt you. make you cry. tear you in half and he will feel satisfaction. he will be happy seeing that he won and he made you cry. but you won’t leave because he “loves” you. he will apologize and you will accept it because you “love” him. but the thing is there’s a difference between “i’m sorry” and “sorry”. he doesn’t mean it because he will keep doing it until he hurts you so badly and you realize that he didn’t love you but it’s already too late because you pushed away everyone else because he told you to and you did because you “loved” him so you will be left sitting on the bathroom floor sobbing wondering why you didn’t see it earlier. you will come to me for advice and i will give you this. i will know exactly what you’re feeling because he did that exact same thing to me.

how do you love two people at once? you are with her but you want me i don’t get it. how do you miss me but you need her?

why are you with her? can you see it? can’t you see it in the way you look at me in the way you talk to me that i’m the one you need?

just because i am broken doesn’t mean that i cannot heal.

i can never seem to stay in a relationship for long periods of time because i start to doubt everything that i am like how that girl over there is prettier than me and i try so hard to be like her that i don’t even notice how you look at me with an admirable look on your face when i do little things such as bite my lip when i get confused or when i draw on everything that i see. i think that i get so caught up in what i’m not rather than what i am and embracing it.

i hope that you are great and full of light. i hope that you meet new faces that will make your life turn upside down with new adventures inside jokes and lessons that will either make or break your heart. i hope that you get to the city and you walk the runway of your favorite brands and meet the man to whom you will give your heart to and he handles it as a prize and not a possession. i hope he is everything you dreamed of and when he kneels down with the ring you’ve wanted since you were thirteen your heart is put back to how it was before you were called a worthless piece of s* and after your first love left you. i hope that when you walk down the aisle in your white gown you feel loved and beautiful. i hope that when you deliver your beautiful blonde hair and green eyed daughter you look at her how your parents first looked at you and i hope she grows up to be everything courageous and lovely. i hope you shine bright and go long. i hope that you exist.

it has been a year without you. i never thought that i could make it. i always thought that i have to have you in order to survive but in this year without you through all the boys. lessons. tears and laughs i’ve learned that it’s okay to lose yourself sometimes because you’ll always find your way back to who you really are. this year without you has been hard and challenging. although it was mostly pain i still learned what love was and what love was not. love is not having to feel obligated to touch or kiss someone. love is not crying every night because they made you feel not good enough. love is not perfect and it certainly isn’t easy. love is something that comes to you whether it’s in the form of waves thunderstorms or sad songs you hear on the radio. it will come to you and when it does love will embrace you and hold you close. you cannot force love. love will breeze it’s way to you. you only need to be patient.

you made me feel as if i was important to you when really i was just a **** in your garden full of roses.