It's this feeling I get.
This ball in the pit of my stomach,
Like I'm sick.
That's when I know I have a crush.

It's when I smile at you
And I can't stop.
It's when I'm up at 6 AM with you.
That's when I know I really like you.

It's when it's late,
And we're both tired,
And I'm about to cry,
And you make me laugh instead.
That's when I know I'm falling in love.

It's when you send me your selfies,
When you give me a hug,
When you're teasing me,
When we're joking,
Every time we're together.
That's when I know I love you.

It's cold.
Everything's distorted,
And I can't breathe.
I'm fighting,
Struggling to move,
Then it's freezing.
My eyes sting,
I gasp for breath,
But everything becomes crisp and clear.
The waterfall is pulling me in
As I drift around the pool of blue.
I'm moving closer and closer
Then I'm suddenly under.
It's all white and everything's moving so fast
I'm being crushed
And I'm so scared
I'm never going to escape
I can't breathe
I don't know what to do
Then it all stops.
I'm floating again.
Drifting along a cool cushion.
I can see,
I can breathe.
Everything's okay.

Sometimes, I look at you and I can't speak.
Once in a while, it's because I'm marveling
At what a work of art you are.
Now and again, it's because
I want to hold your hand.
Occasionally, it's because I want
To feel your arm around me.
And once or twice, it's because
I want to kiss you.
Mostly though, it's because
I start to feel like I'm dying.

There's something that stabs into me,
Twisting my heart
And muddling my mind.
That's usually due to a couple of things.
One: I miss you more than I can explain.
Or two: you forgot about me.
Sometimes it's both.

I know you never really forget about me,
But it feels that way.
We're sitting five feet apart
And you don't look my way once.
I challenge myself not to look at you for a minute,
Then two or three, four or five.
Because every time I glance your way,
You're laughing at something someone else said.
Another person made you smile.
You're so wrapped up in other people
That I slip your mind.

And that's totally normal.
It's to be expected.
I know it's weird,
And it's probably wrong,
But I think about you all the time.
I wonder what you're doing
And how you feel.
I hope that you're doing okay,
And that you're thinking about me.

Sometimes when I get upset
I want to see you so badly.
Want to talk to you,
Hear you say my name.
Hear you say that it'll be okay.
That always helps.
To feel your hand on my shoulder
Or even better,
To find myself wrapped in a hug.
You have the power to make things better.

You matter to me a lot,
And I know you so well.
There's always a joke to be made,
Or a smile to be shared between us.
Those times are the best.
But then, sometimes
I look at you and I can't speak.

I love you.
I love you so much
That sometimes, it's like I can't breathe.
I want to feel your touch,
Even just your hand in mine
Or your arm around my shoulders.
I want to be near you.
I adore the sound of your voice.
I love you.

There are times
That being in love with you is awful.
Someone else makes you laugh
Or smile,
And I wish it had been me.
You're talking to others
And I try not to get jealous,
Usually failing.
I feel guilty for how I feel about you.
Because you don't return the feelings.
I'm like a sibling to you.
That *****.
You mean a lot to me.

I miss you,
Sometimes so badly it hurts.
I want to be with you,
Spend time with you.
I could live by your side.
Hugging you makes me so happy,
And so often I want to kiss you.
More than anything,
I love you.

You're sunshine.
Pure, untainted sunshine.
And you don't see it.

You look around,
You laugh,
The best laugh I've ever heard.
I can't help but smile
When I see your head fall back
And your mouth drop open
And your whole body shake
While your laughter fills the air.
You still don't know
You're sunshine.

You give the warmest,
Most reassuring hugs.
You always have a little
Smile on your face.
I like seeing that little smile
Turn into one so wide
It transforms into that laugh.
I do the same just by watching you.
Seeing you happy makes it hard
To understand why you don't know
That you're sunshine.

You walk into the room
And everyone turns to you
Because they feel your warmth
Even if you can't.
They see the light
Even if they don't realize it.
I realize it.
The others that have fallen for you
Realize it as well.
We see the life
Even when you don't.
Because you're sunshine.

Tick,
Tock,
Goes the clock
As it counts the moments we're apart.
Tick,
Tock,
Passing every second of our lives
And watching the changes.
Clocks see it all.
Tick,
I've got a chance.
Tock,
It'll never happen.
Tick,
It could be me.
Tock,
But it's not.
Tick,
I hug him.
Tock,
He lets go.
Tick,
He makes me smile.
Tock,
He makes me cry.
Tick,
Tock.
He's here,
He's gone.
Tick, tock,
I love him still.
Every beat of my heart
And every second of the clock.
Measuring time in love,
And the clock ticks on.

It's seeing your arm around them.
The caring,
The protection,
The comfort that surrounds the act.
It's watching you offer that to someone
Knowing it won't be me.
That's what kills me.

It's seeing your arms wrapped around them,
Giving your strength
And your warmth
To others.
I see you and them and it slams into me
And I have to look away,
Go away,
Before it hurts too much.

It's seeing you next to them,
Pulling them toward you
And praying that you don't try
To kiss them
In front of me.
That's what makes my eyes start to sting
And my breathing change
As I try not to cry.

It's watching you with them,
Seeing the smiles and laughter
Just looking and seeing how happy you are.
Seeing the comfort and warmth and security.
And I feel like I'm dying.

I look for you everywhere.
Hallways,
Classrooms,
Shops downtown,
Outside,
Anywhere you could be.
It's practically instinct now
When I'm at school,
To look around for you constantly.
Wondering if you'll be here,
Hoping you're there.
Then sometimes,
I find you.
Out of the corner of my eye I see
Blond hair,
Standing tall,
The proud stride
And the little smile that make up you.
When I see all of that,
My heart skips a beat.
I'm grinning and start to head for you,
Then I remember.
I can't spend every minute with you.
You're not my boyfriend.
You have a million friends,
And I'm just one of them.
They don't run up to you
Every time they see you,
So I shouldn't either.
I can't.
So instead of going up to you,
Even just to say "hey"
Because that would brighten my day,
Usually, I'll keep walking in my path.
Maybe I'll make eye contact with you,
And we'll smile.
Maybe you won't see me at all.
You don't look for me.
That's okay, though.
I don't expect you to.
I'll just keep looking for you,
No matter what.
And sometimes I'll go talk to you.
We'll laugh and joke,
We'll hug.
I'll see you smile,
Maybe even make you smile,
And it'll be one of the high points of my day.
That makes the times I pretend I don't see you
Worth it.
That's why I look for you.
To bring us both together,
And to check on you.
I want to make sure that you're safe,
And happy,
And okay.
So I look for you.

He's light.
He's what brightens my day,
My week,
My life.
He brings me warmth,
And comfort,
And security.
He's my light.
But he's also my darkness.
He gives me so much pain.
He can make things dim.
He can hide things from me,
Make me search for truth.
Bringing my mind down,
Till I'm enveloped in black
And I'm shaking
Sometimes with anger,
Sometimes with tears,
Alone in the night.
But then he'll bring me back.
"You have a nice smile."
"You're a great friend."
"Thank you."
And everything becomes so bright.
He can drive me into the dark corners of backstage,
And he brings me into the glow of a center stage spotlight.
He's my light
And he's my darkness.