The burning feeling in my stomach calms me.

I don't even mind.

You have been my friend for years.

Feeling myself starving makes me feel alive.

The crawling under my skin. Too familliar.

I'm in control of my destiny, or am I?

My body is disappering and I don't care.

Do I live or die? It's up to me.

My old friend. I haven't seen you in awhile.

All the years we've spent together, makes me feel close to you once again.

Do we go down together this time?

I don't care as long as you're with me.

You're the only one who never leaves.

With you by my side I'd do anything.

Even destroying myself in the process.

Colours fade into one
Creating swirls of dreams above
I look up and hold your hand

I want to hold it forever
We'll part but I can still hold it in my dreams
I dream of seeing you again

Many years have passed
I can still feel your hand when I look up
Smiling at the dreams I have
Wishing you could be there to see them

Yet I know you can't
You're above the colours
The dream I'll reach when it all ends

Until then
I'll be down here
Dreaming of holding your hand

Three years ago I met an angel, an entity who showed me infinity.
I was blessed by her touch, her love, and her voice.
I felt the affinity of her divinity.
I fell in love because I had no other choice.

That angel picked me, despite my unworthiness.
Loved me despite my mortality.
The memories of us are timeless.
Locked in a vault of Immateriality.

I stand before you now as a fragment of a memory.
A piece of the man tried so hard to be, a remnant of time.
Now our love is history, a mystery to people who will see our story for the next century.
I made a mistake that will last a lifetime.

Her grace will not bless my resting place.
Because our paths no longer interlace.

Discovering Dauphne

Reading Du Maurier as my mother once before me

I feel cheated that in my midlife
This now my first discovery
I weep at the complex beauty within the first page
I read and re-read and re-read and again
I want these letters that form these words to penetrate and reside within my soul

I feel saddened for my lack of knowledge
For my laziness and lack of wanting to escape through words in my previous years

I feel anger for the years of substance use to take me out of myself
Why has Daphne been kept hidden I ask?
She understands me!
If there is she, then more alike there must be.

I leave regret, usually, for those who don't understand it's teachings
With Du Maurier I experience a new and crippling regret
I feel betrayed by anyone who has lived within her words, her worlds and yet kept her hidden from my unquenchable thirst

At least time seems to be slowing down in my 'almost there' sobriety
More hours appear each day
to be filled between the sheets of each turning page.

Hello new world

Another brand new day, a chance to start again
But if i did so then I'd have to discard all this pain
And as much as it pains me to hold it like so,
Without this experience I'd have nada to show

No stories to tell, no stories to share
No stories from drunken lips spilled without a care
You want to know the truth of it, the world is often cold
And those among us oftentimes succumb to icy holds

I've done so too, dragging my feet
Every day was an encore, every hour on repeat
So the days came, and so too they left
Nothing but a hollow sorrow leaking through my chest

Porcelain became my actions, stone become my face
A facade for my every move, a wolf with naught to chase
The darkness in the skies became the darkness in my eyes
As the darkness in the night became the darkness held inside

Shadows grew longer, so too did my inaction
An enzyme gone cold, with minimal reaction
This lethargy that enveloped every thought that crossed my mind
I crossed off all the pain and laughed, urged the struggles to hide

So struggle i did, so exhausted i grew
A plant of my previous self, all i did was grow roots
Stuck into the Earth with no intention to leave
I found myself worthless, this became my belief

And when i crossed out all my mistakes
These actions shown through carelessness made
An S.O.S called for, a flare launched in the sky
Shining ever brighter than the stars that lit the night

Uprooted and carried, burden i felt
Looking at my limbs satisfied with damage dealt
But hungrily lust for more, so more and more i drew
My laughter marked upon my arms in delirium renewed

Every step and every breath has pushed me off the edge
Until i fell and climbed back up, learned to walk again
My funambulism established, my lifetime the ropes
That once upon a time wound its way around to choke

With every moment left behind, my resolve grows evermore
Mentally i mark myself rather than count a bladed score
And when I've had enough, I'll not give up no more
I have a divine partner whom i love to my very core

And so I'll drag myself upright, so that i die with dignity
And make every day feel like a brand new beginning
Forgive my troubled actions, wish away my pain
Wash away these scars, and let us start again

The sun rose and peeked through my window forcing my eyes open for the day
The dream interrupted, another of you, replays like a movie scene
I force myself up and feel the carpet under my toes, reminding me it was just a dream
Some days, you are all I think about
Other days, you don't even cross my mind
Almost two years have flown by; years I thought would take an eternity
Who are you now?
What do you do with your days you swore would be nothing without me?
I don't miss you

i've outgrown people
and habits
the same way you've outgrown
your favourite jumper
like, remember that time
you thought i would die for you?
did you really think my
self sacrifice would go that far?
well, you weren't wrong
it would have if i had let it
but i've outgrown you
and my habits
and this you realized the day
i walked out with your heart
in my hands and crushed it
without remorse because
everyone's always got
their jaws open,
thirsty for more
and i can no longer feel guilty
for thinking of myself
because sometimes
i get thirsty too.

- crimsyy

a/n: thankyou for reading! Please comment your thoughts on this one

the poet
born with ferocity
she shook the earth
and left a mark on your skin
she resonated and through
carefully constructed words,
she wept

she works
behind closed doors
lights dim and her dimmer
but like a phoenix
she will rise again
she's paid the cost
in pain and tears

welcome to the golden years.

- crimsyy

For years they pretended.
Pretending not having feelings for the other.
Years and they pretended that the spark wasn't there.

For years they pretended.
Pretending to be fine with just being friends.
Years and they pretended that they didn't crave for more.

For years they pretended.
Pretending not to care about each other's relationships.
Years and they pretended that jealousy was never there.

For years they pretended.
Pretending, but now they finally became aware.
Years and them pretending has finally came to an end.

Or so they thought,

Now they're back at pretending.
Pretending that they never became aware.

Now they're back at pretending.
Pretending, because his lover became aware.