i have realized i can't stand being touched.
not after him.
i crave the warmth of another soul,
but i flinch, i shrink, dread settling in.

breaths ragged like the flowers
i once placed in his hair.
a scream claws at my throat,
i can't stand to be here.

release me from his phantom jaws,
let me force life back into my lungs.
his behavior never gave him pause,
i can't stand to see what he has brung.

i need to be held, to be warm.
to be safe and nestled by your form.
so please be patient, and never ask why
i cry when you graze my scars
with nothing but something truly kind.

I wish I could expell
This wild beast from my chest,
This bottomless well,
Merciless tempest.
.
It roars and screams
For things it can't get:
Insubstantial dreams,
Uncollected debt.
.
And it isn't fair
That efforts mean naught;
When all is laid bare -
Love can't be bought.
.
I long and I ache,
At the mercy of fate,
Its give and take,
The cruelest bait.
.
The suffocating need
To not be alone,
Unrelenting greed,
Scathing to the bone.
.
It rakes its claws deep
Through my ribcage,
Makes me weep,
Helpless with rage.
.
Its loathsome fury,
Feral with want,
My judge and jury,
Inescapable haunt.
.
And it makes me think
That it's you I'm missing,
But it's really that link,
That has me reminiscing.
.
And I tried with such ardor
To find it once more,
But it's getting harder,
And my soul is sore.
.
Tired of hoping
And letdowns, in vain,
Tired of coping
With this constant pain.
.
If I were not godless
Surely I would pray
To finally convalesce,
To just get away.
.

The moon has yet again been touched
On every side by light of sun,
And with the unrelenting march of time,
A new lament's begun.
What good's a heart made heavy
By affections idle and unspent?
And what's a sanctuary
Where no precious thing is ever sent?
Come to me soon, my hope and vision,
Longingly I wait for you!
Imagination mocks me
With a stream of fancies not yet true!
Your face, it is an ever-shifting blur
I almost can behold,
Bejeweled with dark and starry eyes
That shine as freshly polished gold.
Your skin, it would be tender,
Colored peach-pink with a brush of rose,
Your tiny form light as a cloud
In my embrace as you repose.
Your smile, it would contain the sunlight,
And your laugh, the breath of spring,
And as you dream in peace embosomed,
To you I would softly sing.
These images delight me
And revive the fires of my heart,
But then the vapors from which they were made
All scatter and depart.
Oh little unformed soul,
Your warmth within my arms I still know not.
Your phantom weight upon my chest
Has many hopes and sorrows wrought.
The record keepers of the sky've
Declared another wait in vain,
So let this wasted flesh mourn with me
In these coming days of rain.

missing him while i’m in a country
a country where im supposed to be at home
a country that is mine to identify with

i identify with him
with his country, his people, his ideals
i’ll be a soldier for his country if that means
i could be a soldier for him

don’t force me to fight for some far-off land
some land where i can’t be me
where i can’t express my love, my passion

It's subtle, but impossible to ignore;
The way a room changes with your presence.
The way our eyes continually search to steal another quarter second glance - you could say we are both in a trance.
Peering out corners of eyes, just to watch the other.
Nerves that make the body ache, invoking thoughts to make the heart flutter.

In downtime my mind traces lines
around the places I might find
Your existence in my life.

Is it just me, pondering the thought?
Am I the only one with feelings being caught?
Am I scheming again, to find out more, when in reality all is naught?