elementary school was a blur
until in 5th grade two boys
i knew were at my father's work,
ordering subway sandwiches talking
about the red headed girl who had
a muffin top. utterly disgusting.

i had not known what a muffin top
exactly was, until my best friend's
mother explained it and then nodded
in agreement, "i can see the muffin
top-ness to you. i can get you a diet"

in 6th grade, i lost my best friend to
girls who did not have muffin tops
and were not on diet plans, just girls
who existed and played the role of
a child attending middle school

7th and 8th grade was a jumbled
disarray of 730 days filled with
self hatred and self harm,
remembering my best friend
and the muffin top comment

high school! a fresh start, a brand
new adventure. i will find the kids
who know what a muffin top is,
and i'll accept their comment
and hide my low calorie meals

self harm followed with his best friend
self hatred and depression and
being anxious to eat in the cafeteria
so i didn't eat all of freshman year,
i sat in the hallway during lunch

sophomore and junior year i snagged
occasional apples and spare chicken nuggets
from my friends trays, but i never got
a lunch meal myself, even though my
family qualified for free lunch.

but senior year, i am changing.
for the better i believe.
i eat almost 3 times a week, actual meals
pb&j mostly, but it's a meal
the other two days i eat rolls, delicious rolls

i've decided that i am me, and i could have
changed it sooner, but i think i am glad
i hadn't for it made me, me.
the red headed girl with a muffin top
who loves feeding herself, and feeling
full instead of empty.

sometimes i still hate my weight, but
it's my weight, and i have to carry it
i should carry it with joy for my body
is not a chore, or dead weight.
my body is my vessel, and i love it.

You ask me what my diet is
and I am reminded that for three years of my life
All I had in my lunchbox
were jam sandwiches
Single slices of own brand bread
with scrapings of red in the center
If there was anything there
at all
And I tell you that I've never had a problem
with portion control

You ask me again how I stay so skinny
and I think of all the days I spent
rummaging through bare cupboards
Looking for something I could have
for dinner
As I tell you that I have always
been like this

You wrap ******* around my
wrist and joke that a breeze would ******* away
and I can see myself now
11 years old and 5 foot nothing
Pushing my sister in her pram
up a hill on the way home from
school
Straining under the weight
And I tell you that my body had
never failed me when it wasn't windy out

You demand to know why nothing I eat sticks to me
But I can't tell you how my frame
hasn't yet gotten used to being full
of something other than rage
And I don't think I would recognize
the girl who wasn't starving
and stuffing her face
So I tell you that I just don't know

You can't help but ask why I didn't just buy myself something extra
And I smile when I think of the small
amount that I had to spend
and the fiver worth of sweets it went on
that I handed to my baby siblings as I shut the door
to their room
On the worst day I can remember
Because they didn't have to be hungry too
So I didn't eat a single one

But I tell you that skinny is just a memory I didn't get to give back.

my chest heaves
from poor health
or heartache
it’s hard to say
what I do know
is the weight
of your absence
feels heavier today

"God you look horrid
Do something about your weight"

I find it kind of funny
How you can hurl the exact same insult

Before and after I shed 100 pounds

I like it when people ask what my secret is
How I managed to lose so much weight
How I turned my life around
How I became what I am today

So here's what I tell them:

Count your calories
Avoid starch
Eat more proteins
But don't eat too much

Exercise daily
Drink lots of water
Eat healthy food
You'll get thinner

Have a goal
Work towards it
Never slack off
You'll get fit

No matter how they discourage you
Don't believe it
Believe  in yourself
You can do it!

With a smile, I give them hope
The perfect weight loss plan to help them cope
But there's one burden I have to bear
That's the secret I can never share:


Follow through that plan is what I wished I had done
But I just end up puking in the toilet after every meal

Fresh baked bread
Layered in death and vegetation
My insides burn with withdrawal
It's been almost 24 hours now
How much longer will it take?
To either cave in unwillingly
Or to die painfully slow?

If I had not forgotten my cash
I'd have given in to my survival drives
I'm happy I forgot it
Because I can't stomach the idea of food
Let alone choke down something so revolting
Only because it pulls me further away from death

Instead I flood my veins with nicotine
Desperately trying to curb these cravings
My legs threaten to give out
With each step I take
Even now, scratching this among global fem notes
Dissociated entirely from class
My hands won't stop shaking

Is it nerves?
Or physical deterioration?
Or the panic lying under the surface?
Deafening screams ricochet through my mind
As I try to drown these feelings
But they won't disappear

I've dropped significant weight
And I don't want it back
I don't feel the need to lose more
But still it falls away
And eventually leaves nothing but skin and bones
Fueled by electrifying anxiety

Once the mighty played the field
floating high above all men
vices seized to be absolved

the past had culture that defiled
assaults dismissed by ego’s boon
permission gave to monsters’ birth

power flexed for pleasure's sake
taken when the giving balked
rights discarded for delight’s harm

to take control was the goal
lorded over the smaller ones
wanting all and then some more

present day has now arrived
with tender wounds aching still
calling out the miscreants

authority tastes the bitter edge
justice in the public eye
the clay feet are now revealed

command cuts itself to heal
the fiends seen in mirror’s face
altars splashed with sacrificed

the mighty fall by gravity
no longer able to stand upright
when the sins have true weight.

© 2017. Sean Green. All Rights Reserved. 20171114.

Run, jump, walk,lift that weight, till it aches
Turn, skip, lunge, push up hey, sets it takes
To reduce your fat weight
Only that can make you light
And be sure that you don't taste those cakes!!