I ran towards your light,
Ignoring the hot coals burning beneath my feet,
That you laid out for me,
So the bottoms of my feet would be scarred.
I ran towards your light,
Ignoring the oceans filling my lungs,
That you personally poured in,
So you could watch me drown.
I ran towards your light,
Ignoring the thorns in my sides,
That you wrapped around me,
So you could hold me back.
When clarity hit me,
I ran in the opposite direction,
Even though it was dark,
Because it was safer than you.
When happiness hit me,
You twisted your words,
And wove them through someone else,
To try and bring me back.
But now I know,
That your light is a warning sign,
Something to avoid at all costs,
Unless you want to end up lost.

They say warning comes before
Destruction but I walk with Destruction.
Destruction comforts every fiber of my
being, ******* me into the black whole
of repressed memories but
I cannot escape these haunting premonitions.

I wish people would stop warning me about you
I trust you
I love you
I need you
But these people are instilling fear
And anxiety
Deep in what is me
And I hate it
I don’t want to worry about these things
Because you are
A king
A god
A ethereal being
Not
A liar
A cheat
A user
I cannot see those things in you
I cannot see these bad things
I don’t know
I trust that you are changing
But I also worry
As these people keep coming to me
I would like to
Feel safe
Feel loved
Feel trusting
Feel secure
Feel worthy
But these people make it so hard
I wish they would stop
Because I don’t ******* care
I love you
And that’s all that matters

I boil and bubble over my clothes like steam over a cauldron
Cooking up a dreadful brew
At times unaware,  at times I am still in the body of a 16 year old
At war with her mind and body
Bones almost audibly creaking with each gust of wind
And although the world wasn’t kind to me all of those years ago
And although I wasn’t kind to me
And although older boys snarled their teeth at my protruding rib cages and hip bones hungry for a snack
I’d do anything
To get my body back

And boy, if they didn’t gnaw away at my skin and flesh
I may have been left with my beautifully rigid shell
But my insides are spilling out in soft rolls
Reflections making my head spin, the spinning of the clock, the new looseness of my exterior, my own hell
Maybe if I could do a spell I could tell the goddess how my body once fell at the hands of the Devil and it began to swell like a balloon and I’m waiting for it to pop
I’m waiting for it stop
And hopefully then
I will no longer dwell
On how much I hate a body
That holds me so well