I went to sleep and
Nothing was wrong. I woke up
Now nothing is right.

My tears stream
Down my face
As I think
Of how easily I can be replaced

My hands are trembling
Holding the blade
Is this worth
All of the scars I’ve made?

Then I remember
The people who taument me
Like Im emotionless
Just rid me of my glee

Every word you yelled
Every shove in the halls
Until Im crying
In the bathroom stalls

No one notices
They never will
All the pain you’ve caused
That I can’t ****

Then they wonder
Why Im dead on the ground
With my knife in my hand
And a note with blood all around

They are confused
Wondering why
Then they will all forget
And turn a blind eye

I’m all forgotten
Just like I new I would be

My flame used to shine bright
Thats until it happened
High school
I get judged everyday
I think everyone hates me
I get called nasty names
My family calls me fat
My flame was slowly going out
Like everyone one I liked was spraying water into it
I don't think i had any true friends
Apart from 2 or 3
Only 1 knows how I feel
But yes
My flame has gone out

I’m really unhappy once again

I’ve met some guys
In the age range I want
Online, in my area

They ask to meet up

But I can’t, I’m terrified

Not because they are old, I’d be just as afraid to meet up with a guy my age

But because I’m afraid I’ll spoil my fantasy

What I want is carefully outlined in my head
And if I meet a guy
Who isn’t as cute in person
Or doesn’t look like his picture
Or just isn’t what I’ve imagined

I’m afraid the most exciting feeling I have inside of me will die

And I won’t like anyone
And I won’t have anything to look forward to

I don’t feel depressed often
My anxiety is way worse and takes over
But right now the hopelessness is drowning me

My mind switches through different things to hate about myself and what I want

Give up, you’ll never find real love
Give up, you’d still be this unhappy at your healthiest weight
Give up, it will never be a great as it is in your mind

If it’s not him
It won’t be your fantasy
So quit bothering

Just let things be

You, alone
Quit chasing people who would never chase after you
No one will

Not even the man you left for good, who is still in love with you

Is that not proof enough?

Look at what you have done to me
And the things I've written
It seems to me you are the snake
I'm the one who's bitten

Your poison seeps around my words
Twists until they are burned
With my unhappy memories
The painful lessons that I've learned

The effect this has on me
Sinks right to the core
Now all because of you
I cannot write about love anymore

Stop telling me that I'm not fat

I stepped on the scale this morning knowing full well I gained weight

I was not expecting to make it up to 140 though

I was wrong

I thought I could keep off the weight I fought so hard to lose

But no, looks like this is going to be a lifelong struggle for me

I'll always have to think about what I eat

Always

I've gained 8lbs

It doesn't matter what's muscle or how much my ***** weigh

Even if they're legit, I'm going to quit making excuses

I have to starve myself again

I hated that the most

More than going to the gym

More than never eating anything good

The hunger

500 kcal a day, or I was never going to see any results

And it was true

I can't eat 1500 kcal without gaining something

My metabolism is non-existent

Regardless

The thing that has really been killing me is everyone else

That false hope

“You're not fat.”

I don't even know why I ever agreed or let them get to me

Even after losing 20lbs I was still fat at 132, I still had 20 or so lbs to go

But maybe my clothes were too flattering, or they were too nice

I don't care if you are 500lbs

Don't tell me I'm not fat

Don't tell me I'm not allowed to feel fat

I'm not skinny-passing and I never have been

I'm not some skinny girl looking for attention or reassurance

I don't care if that's your honest opinion

I don't care if you'd rather be at my weight or would be happy at my weight

I hate my naked body

I could never pull off a bikini

I'm living in reality

I know what other people would honestly think

Fat is fat

I could weigh so much more, but it doesn't matter

I've already passed the threshold of what is considered fat

From a health standpoint I might be better off

I might not be that hard to look at naked but I'm still fat

Quit telling me I'm not allowed to feel fat because I don't meet your requirements

This is something I struggle with just as much as someone at 200 or 300 or 400

I feel ugly, unwanted, disgusting

I know it has a hand in my love life

I need exercise equipment at home

I'm too self-conscious to go out running or jogging

I don't want anyone to see me

This ends now

I give up

I'm ready to trade it all for a body I love and am proud of