Look at what you have done to me
And the things I've written
It seems to me you are the snake
I'm the one who's bitten

Your poison seeps around my words
Twists until they are burned
With my unhappy memories
The painful lessons that I've learned

The effect this has on me
Sinks right to the core
Now all because of you
I cannot write about love anymore

Stop telling me that I'm not fat

I stepped on the scale this morning knowing full well I gained weight

I was not expecting to make it up to 140 though

I was wrong

I thought I could keep off the weight I fought so hard to lose

But no, looks like this is going to be a lifelong struggle for me

I'll always have to think about what I eat

Always

I've gained 8lbs

It doesn't matter what's muscle or how much my ***** weigh

Even if they're legit, I'm going to quit making excuses

I have to starve myself again

I hated that the most

More than going to the gym

More than never eating anything good

The hunger

500 kcal a day, or I was never going to see any results

And it was true

I can't eat 1500 kcal without gaining something

My metabolism is non-existent

Regardless

The thing that has really been killing me is everyone else

That false hope

“You're not fat.”

I don't even know why I ever agreed or let them get to me

Even after losing 20lbs I was still fat at 132, I still had 20 or so lbs to go

But maybe my clothes were too flattering, or they were too nice

I don't care if you are 500lbs

Don't tell me I'm not fat

Don't tell me I'm not allowed to feel fat

I'm not skinny-passing and I never have been

I'm not some skinny girl looking for attention or reassurance

I don't care if that's your honest opinion

I don't care if you'd rather be at my weight or would be happy at my weight

I hate my naked body

I could never pull off a bikini

I'm living in reality

I know what other people would honestly think

Fat is fat

I could weigh so much more, but it doesn't matter

I've already passed the threshold of what is considered fat

From a health standpoint I might be better off

I might not be that hard to look at naked but I'm still fat

Quit telling me I'm not allowed to feel fat because I don't meet your requirements

This is something I struggle with just as much as someone at 200 or 300 or 400

I feel ugly, unwanted, disgusting

I know it has a hand in my love life

I need exercise equipment at home

I'm too self-conscious to go out running or jogging

I don't want anyone to see me

This ends now

I give up

I'm ready to trade it all for a body I love and am proud of

I’m brave,
I go to that prison
Knowing I’ll get beaten
It’s my decision,
To wake up in the morning
Damp eyes and busted lip
Warning,
Don’t look at my eyes
Deep pain lives there
My disguise,
A smile on my face
Words that spit lies
Just in case,
Take away the meds
Take away the knife
Make sure I get out of bed.

Leaving or distancing was never a problem,
Nobody really knows how my life goes and I’m proud of it to be honest.
I’ve been feeling really careless lately,
People keep spreading things that are wrong,
It gets me upset and somehow I always get impacted from it.
It’s like I shut down,
Friends or not,
I take certain things to heart.
Whether you meant it in a nice or bad way,
I’ve just not been thinking right quite frankly,
Pressures on to do well and succeed,
But what’s the point of trying if no one’s ever going to see?
Yeah that’s my scattered mindset,
Having faith for adversities to fade away,
But they never do,
Yeah I’m dealing with things I don’t really want to,
But I guess I got to put up with it.
Cope mechanism is shutting down, placing people as far as possible,
Not really expressing my feelings toward the stuff that terribly effect me,
And yet, I still pretend like it’s okay,
I’ll smile in your face,
Make you think I’m doing all fine without another .
My feelings are just way too strong,
I can’t help from liking you,
However, I never meant to make things the way they currently are,
Mentions are getting spurred rapidly,
Those sayings were never stated directly,
We didn’t even get to discuss our predictament.
But, these things tend to get disregarded,
You leave me,
Feeling this sort of way,
Then, try to come back.
I’m tired of putting up,
I’m all in my head

The hardest thing is not finding yourself
It is when you find yourself and you aren't happy

I'd rather fall

in Love,

     with your

Scars.

Than fall

    in love

           with your Smile.

Bella was young, Bella was fair
With bilious green eyes and velvet hair
Her face a work of art
Made her creator's eyes squint and fall apart
Bella never let my filthy tongue near her silent heart.

My Bella, she loved nothing more
Than to be a sled one had to grind
Through a desert of white, a sea of ice
He pulled her all over frozen fields, past the last of crystal trees
And then he hid her in the glistering white of nature's eyeball.

For my Bella, I'd always find time to mourn
Addicted to hazy cigar heat and first-degree burns
But dreaded thoughts of her lovely chest freezing to death
Ultimately sent me on the pointless quest
Of searching for Bella in her icy mess.

Bella never saw the dozens of dead dogs
I had to leave by the wayside
She turned to me at the end of this cruel ride
And said: 'George, be careful what you preach
You might be feel cold, but I don't
'Round here, you're looking at nature's peach
And for me, it's right by the beach!'