i torment myself for my inability to love,
my inability to sense the light after the storm.
i spend my days wondering when,
when will i give myself to another
when will the world be ready?

Father’s Day is here
A holiday I tend to dread
Scrolling through social media
Seeing so many great fathers
Feeling a bit like an outcast
Father
A stranger to me
Gave me half my DNA
And nothing else
Stepfather
Charmer
Narcissist
Mentally a child
It would feel wrong
To post the sappy picture
Write the sappy caption
Pretend there’s a deep relationship there
Father’s Day
Always unconventional for me
I celebrate my mom
Playing both parental roles
I celebrate my grandpa
Always showing me parent-like love
I celebrate my Heavenly Father
Who loves me more than anyone else
Sure
Father’s Day is isolating
But at least I have someone to love
Someone to celebrate

one in ten women they say
that’s a hell of a lot of women

but still i’m here
at twenty years of age
speaking with the doctor
about infertility
and pain only manageable by
hormones and narcotics

we talk of a diagnosis
only discoverable by surgery
there has to be a better way
there has to be

It was the way we were two people with the same heart beat-
the same wave length-
that’s what I miss.
I miss knowing you were in the same room without having to look for you.
Now the silence is deafening- it’s how I imagine it feels after conjoined twins are separated.
I used to be able to tell how your how day went from just a look,
and now I battle with myself to send a text because I don’t want to bother you.

I’m done
I don’t want to talk
Your face makes me uneasy
Your name makes me queasy
You come out of nowhere
Saying you miss me
It stings
I feel guilty for what I do
And what I don’t do
It hurts
I apologize
Though there’s no need
You say you understand
But you don’t
You really
Really
Do
Not
Understand
No one really does
But you
Especially
Do not understand
So stop pretending
If you think we could talk this out
It’s crystal clear
You don’t understand
The emotions you spill fall on me like bricks
Weighing me down with every syllable
Making me wish I was not myself
Making me wish I was a past me
A me that wasn’t tired
A me that wasn’t sick
A me that wasn’t hurting
I mourn my past me
And you do too
This can’t work
I can’t deal
Left on read
I’m sorry

if i could go back id do it all differently
i'd change the words i said
the people i chose
the things i did

i'd kiss you longer
i'd revive the moments we'll never have again
i'd hug you tighter
i'd tell you how much i love you
i'd tell you i need you

but i cant do anything about it now
your'e gone
forever
i cant go back
i cant do it again