People take it for granted
And just assume that everyone has it
To feel themselves be captured
By something they won't admit

To feel the pain
That consuming torture
To have that warm beat in your chest
Spreading like wildfire

To feel what
I want to feel

Not when the music starts
Or when a novel ends
I want that constant suffocating feeling
That gives my life meaning
I want to be whole and broken

I want what words can’t explain
Or letters can't decode
I want to be  torn apart
And sowed back together
I want to feel my stomach drop
when life nocks me down
I want to feel my vocals rip
When i cry

I want to feel
Like something to someone
I want the emotion of knowing
I ment something
I felt something

To feel the raw emotions
Of being human
Not this numbness

Not the dread of the sunrise
knowing It will be gone

Love is a fickle thing,
Though romance has more sting.
Lost in her warm sad eyes,
She stared right on through mine.

I thought that it was me,
That was a fruitless plea
Back against my heart’s walls,
She tore a hole right through.

She drained my heart to naught
No blame stems from that spot
Escaped through the puncture
She searched for a lover

My heart is torn to shreds
All that is left are dregs
Now I finally see
It would never be me.

I'm torn (apart)
between
loving the big blue and green eyes that go on for miles when I look into them and the way you look at me with them in all their different flavors like curiosity and soft fondness and fire-like intensity and the way you smile with your one dimple and the way that smile tastes when you pull me in with your strong arms that I know won't let me go because under your breath you say 'mine' as you squeeze me tighter and the feeling of that breath on my skin as we sink deeper into a state of cloudy hysteria and everything in the world feels perfectly in tune as my head is on your chest and your heartbeat is the pentameter of it all.
im torn between that and
this old feeling of dread that as soon as you slip away from me I won't see you or hear your voice and yet you'll be trapped in my thoughts like a favorite song and no matter how hard I try I can't help but feeling like the tune is off somehow and I've forgotten some words but I can't think of which ones but the worst part is I feel like all this noise in my head won't be mirrored in yours and you won't hear the tune or appreciate the melody.

im torn (apart)
between
this harmony of yin and yang and you give me a head and I give you a heart and how you say "id be a cold-hearted sonofabitch without you" and when I ask if you're proud of me you say "Its rare that im not proud of you" and when I cry you look into my eyes like a blanket on an oil fire calming me down and reminding me where the ground is and you hold my hand when I'm scared and tell me "fear means youre growing, when its over you'll be glad you did it" and you push me to be bold and when you smile and tell me I slow the world down for you and that you like when I stroke your hair because you feel safe for once and how we even each other out softening rigid edges and sharpening dull blades
im torn between that and
knowing that when the harmony is askew we duel with those swords but not with each other, with our respective selves and I start wishing I wasn't too much and you beat yourself up for thinking you aren't enough and the air fills with a solid stench of resentment and confusion and im grasping frantically for answers and bandages as we both sit on the floor hemorrhaging.

I'm.
torn (apart).
between
loving you and knowing there are so many beautiful ways we're good for each other
torn between that and
wondering if that's enough to make up for the ways that we ruin the other.
and then I ask "what is love without ruin?" and "love is enough right?"
but im just
torn apart