nobody hates me more than She does.
though She knows the complexities of me,
thoughts, loves, ambitions, insecurities.
She's seen me naked; physical skin, down to what lies beneath my bones.
She's made me think:
that putting a knife to my own skin to make this pain go away indefinitely, is the only way to escape
She's coaxed me into drinking poison, to lay with men who don't care to know my name.
She is the most hurtful voice in my own head.
it seems these days She only wants to see me lifeless, so She can wrap a warm blanket around me and whisper "I told you so"

but maybe one day, She will learn to love (herself).
learn to forgive the pain she's caused others (and herself)
because i am all She has.

With a citronella candle,
A lofty perfume,
Delayed expectations,
Friendly champagne flute--

I will wonder in between
Inebriation
Being patient,
Believing in the irredeemable soul.

I wish that I could go back,
Erase the pain I felt.
Everyday seems like a mission,
With the cards that I’ve been dealt.
We all live in pain baby,
Just admit it for yourself.
Despite my current attitude,
That’s hanging on the shelf.

need a napkin up in this joint,
my eyes are ******' waterin'. i didn't agree to this!
jail cells are smaller than i would have thought.
well, i ******' lived to tell my tale
and, by god, i'd die to tell it, too.

turn that ******' piano music down, man.
no wait, that ****'s good. turn it up.
piano manages to hit that vein in me
not one that exists on the outside
doesn't even ******' pulse.
it's like a shot directly to my bloodstream
but one that exists in my soul.
man, you'd THINK it'd ******' hurt
but it's euphoric, dude, and i don't use that word lightly.
words are meant to be used
in a way i don't think they're used anymore.
all these swears, like, calm down!
****, ****, **** (well, ****'s ***** ****), etc.
and i'm over here, just followin' along
i may be dumb but i ain't stupid enough
to ignore the pushing current.

i wish i could yell so ******' loudly, man.
i don't get that opportunity enough, y'know?
just to shout...someone's gonna ******' call the police.
oh, and i guess they did, haha.
******* get served, i suppose.

where's my napkin, please?
a tissue would do, too.
just need something to wipe
away the ******' filter that spreads
over my eyes...like a foggy day.
you ever go out late or early
and see fog cover the place
like a ******' horror movie?
i love that ****. it's calming.

where did it go?
no, not you. obviously.
i meant.....the past.
it can't just disappear forever, right?
'cause that's ******' dumb.
it has to go SOMEWHERE.
when i lose my memories
(which i will, and so will you)
where will they go?
i don't want to lose
myself to time.
it's a battle i know i won't win
but i bother anyway.
create that ******' legacy, y'know?

why am i here?
that's a good ******' question, dude.
i committed the worst crime of all...

i ******' lost myself.
i put up pictures everywhere;
"have you seen this person?"
many people called me
but none were helpful
and it took ******' ages
before i realized what had happened.
and i'm ashamed to admit it, i mean,
it's a dastardly crime to have done.

see, i ******' murdered myself.
it was an accident, i swear!
and you could laugh, and say i'm right here,
but i'm not.
well, i mean, i am.
but it's not ME.
i thought i had lost myself
(which i did, i mean)
but i was ******' certain i could find me again.
what comes up must come down, right?

i realized too late what i did...

and now i'm gone forever.

keep yourself close,
and don't ******' look away,
not even for an instant.
if you lose yourself
you may never find
what was ever again.
time is ******' cruel,
and it will forever conquer.

now, can i please get that tissue?

:-)

And this love was not the quick kind
Nor the drink of cheaper wine
Of lovers stricken blind

It was the champagne in the sips
Snuck by the cracks of time
Until you burned inside my swallow
Kisses never mine

And it was this tender crushing of my back
Like shoulders bent to snap
Like crunching in my spine

That chiseled all these hollowed cracks
Within my bridled sighs

And when these lacy fingers seeped
Like icy creatures bravely creep
Around my waist; forget to breathe

Double-****** hands you shoved
Into my stomach; reach
And pull these wiry tendons
I forbid all men to keep

And it was this love so deep and aching
Like teeth jarred and breaking
Like freezing in my sleep

That caused this marrow scraping
To leave me empty ***** and weak

I said this year I'm done with boys
I'm done with all this emo noise
And let's just say it worked quite well
But now it won't, as I will tell

I gave up all my childish loves
I set them free like they were doves
They flew away and left me here
I was content in this past year

The ones I liked became estranged
But now it seems the times have changed
For even as I left them be
They now come running up to ME

They cower under my commands
Do all my freaking dumb demands
I hate the every part of it
And now I think I'm going to quit

Before I go I have to say
If you want boys near you to beg
Just give up all your previous loves-
They'll fly right back like stupid doves