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ostra May 9
purple nails
don't belong on
mountaintops
where the ground is
too far from the
clouds, it's hard
to breathe when
reality can no longer
support my weight
and sagging , stopped and
held down by pressure
of the goals unachieved,
two years ago promised
but now it's 2018
winter doesn't bring snow
and new year doesn't
bring change anymore
i wrote this back in nov 2018. i was genuinely goin thru some stuff then and it's almost nice to think abt how much things have improved since then :)

dont know what the purple nails things was abt but im not gonna change it because i want to keep it the way it was ok :-)
ostra Mar 3
i love you god

for you are good,
you are truth,
you are the push we
feel to do better
and work harder
you are the warmth we
feel when we think
we will only ever
know cold from this
day on and you,
you exist in pieces
you are the joy of birth
you are the fear of death
you are the knowledge
that we can go on, that we
WILL go on, that things will
be better & you
are our mothers and our fathers
and you lead us into the world
and remind us what happiness
feels like when we've forgotten

i love you god
for you do not
exist in the sky,
nor in the churches,
or in the bible:

you exist in me because
i choose to let you live here
and i choose to let you be
a reminder that
i will go on
and pain will not last forever

i love you god
for you taught me
why i am here
and why i will die
and i am okay with both

thank you god
hope this does not come off as religious: my meaning is much simpler than i put it in this poetry here.

i do not believe in god as the bible states him. i do not believe there is an almighty being in the sky watching us, that there is a heaven and a hell after our death.

i think of god as a feeling. he is what pushes us to do good. we all need god in our lives, although it may be in different ways. he is the reminder that heaven and hell exist on earth and that we have all experienced both. he is the reminder that we have faced **** and yet we are still here. he is laughter and he is love. he is the good parts of life, he is what too many of us lack.

and so i love him.
ostra Dec 2018
need a napkin up in this joint,
my eyes are ******' waterin'. i didn't agree to this!
jail cells are smaller than i would have thought.
well, i ******' lived to tell my tale
and, by god, i'd die to tell it, too.

turn that ******' piano music down, man.
no wait, that ****'s good. turn it up.
piano manages to hit that vein in me
not one that exists on the outside
doesn't even ******' pulse.
it's like a shot directly to my bloodstream
but one that exists in my soul.
man, you'd THINK it'd ******' hurt
but it's euphoric, dude, and i don't use that word lightly.
words are meant to be used
in a way i don't think they're used anymore.
all these swears, like, calm down!
****, ****, **** (well, ****'s ***** ****), etc.
and i'm over here, just followin' along
i may be dumb but i ain't stupid enough
to ignore the pushing current.

i wish i could yell so ******' loudly, man.
i don't get that opportunity enough, y'know?
just to shout...someone's gonna ******' call the police.
oh, and i guess they did, haha.
******* get served, i suppose.

where's my napkin, please?
a tissue would do, too.
just need something to wipe
away the ******' filter that spreads
over my eyes...like a foggy day.
you ever go out late or early
and see fog cover the place
like a ******' horror movie?
i love that ****. it's calming.

where did it go?
no, not you. obviously.
i meant.....the past.
it can't just disappear forever, right?
'cause that's ******' dumb.
it has to go SOMEWHERE.
when i lose my memories
(which i will, and so will you)
where will they go?
i don't want to lose
myself to time.
it's a battle i know i won't win
but i bother anyway.
create that ******' legacy, y'know?

why am i here?
that's a good ******' question, dude.
i committed the worst crime of all...

i ******' lost myself.
i put up pictures everywhere;
"have you seen this person?"
many people called me
but none were helpful
and it took ******' ages
before i realized what had happened.
and i'm ashamed to admit it, i mean,
it's a dastardly crime to have done.

see, i ******' murdered myself.
it was an accident, i swear!
and you could laugh, and say i'm right here,
but i'm not.
well, i mean, i am.
but it's not ME.
i thought i had lost myself
(which i did, i mean)
but i was ******' certain i could find me again.
what comes up must come down, right?

i realized too late what i did...

and now i'm gone forever.

keep yourself close,
and don't ******' look away,
not even for an instant.
if you lose yourself
you may never find
what was ever again.
time is ******' cruel,
and it will forever conquer.

now, can i please get that tissue?

:-)
this is not poetry

art has died

miss u god. xoxo.
ostra Dec 2018
MY (MILD TO MODERATE DEPRESSION IS ACTING UP AGAIN) PENCIL BROKE

AND MY (ANXIETY NEVER EVEN WENT AWAY) PENCIL WON'T SHARPEN

AND , BY GOD , ALL I ASK FOR IS (ANY IDEA OF WHAT MY FUTURE WOULD HOLD. FOR I CANNOT STAND THIS TEDIOUS WAIT BETWEEN GOOD AND BAD, JOY AND PAIN, I'LL YELL AND I'LL LAUGH AND THEY'LL FEEL THE SAME) A ******* PENCIL WITH LEAD THAT DOESN'T SMASH WHEN I PRESS HARDER THAN A ******* BABY WHEN IT GNAWS ON THE FINGERS OF ITS LARGE BREASTED MOTHER

anger , haha. anger who? my name is blueberry bubblegum and i exist only to chew. nom nom.

:-)
**** **** ****!

don't swear.....the children are listening

they'll hear it eventually

well....the children must grow up someday, i suppose

**** **** ****!

**** **** ****!
ostra Dec 2018
i'd buy the ticket
if i didn't know where it led
the fuel of desire
adventure, lust, pain
heartbreak lasts until

the
last
train
left

weekends have never been so dismal. gray, gray skies, gray lights, my eyes blink and blink again but the haze that grips on tight will not let go! i think it drips down my cheeks sometimes but only when the lights are off. my silence is a skill, not a talent- i used to be louder when i'd

shhh.

i am socks in the shower

headphones broken in one ear


i am an ebay sweetheart

please buy me!!!!!
discounted
almost what
you'd expect
but
not
quite

.return me!!!!!
refunds
but you will
never get as much
as
you
spent

404.....
              error .....
.  .page not found..
        ...time to..
shut .
               . down

:-)
weewoo weewoo weewoo

red and blue red and blue

blue bruises red pens

blue sky red

red

read

don't leave me on read :(
ostra Nov 2018
i prefer green grapes over purple ones
they're more sour and that gives me the shivers
like when it's extra cold out
my breath comes out in puffs of white
i used to pretend i was smoking
when i walked out of church on sunday morning
and it gave me the same pleasure
without being addicted to anything
but life itself
it's
too
hot in california.
and my cat wants to eat my grapes.
and god doesn't exist anymore to me-
our fate is in our hands, now.
no more excuses.
ostra Nov 2018
gently now;
glass under the carpet
can still cut your feet
and blood is too thick
to pass off as wine
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