i feel like a ghost. i'm just numb and moving forward to nowhere. i'm tired of fake friendships and i'm tired of having no goals. during this time full of beginning i am immersed in the ending of the only good thing i had. i want everyone to step away from me. not in some tragically dramatic way, i just think i need time to create myself and find me because god i feel so lost. i'm craving adventure and freedom because my mind is locked up and terrified of almost everything. i miss being myself. i don't know when exactly i lost myself or where i went, but i haven't seen myself since you drove me home.
come back, i miss myself.

although you were an ******* to me
and never loved me the way i needed
you had a big impact on my life
you were the first person i ever loved
so now i know how love feels because of you
and you treated me like ****
but i realized my self-worth through that
and you didn't really like me for who i was
but i started to love myself because of that
and because of you, i figured out what was best for me
and i promised myself
i would never let anyone treat me like **** again
even if i loved them more than anything
because i loved you more than anything
at least i thought so
but you don't deserve to feel my love
i stayed because i thought you wanted me
when in reality you were just using me the whole time
and i would say thank you for helping me find myself
but no you don't deserve that either
i am ******* terrified because of you now
and i will never ever ever forget
the way you would take me into the bathroom at school
and do things to me that i didn't really want
or do things when we were alone that made me feel disgusting
isn't school supposed to be a safe place?
but i can't be in one place
that doesn't remind me of all the things you did to me there
my life turned to **** because of you
my whole life was ruined
everything i cared about, gone
you broke up with me
7 months ago
kissed me twice after that
which caused me to hate myself because i let you
it took me this long to get back on my feet
and i hope one day
someone hurts you so bad
that it will take twice as long
to get over it

i feel safe with
words i know
words i can create
i am terrified  
  --of yours.

And suddenly my world is shaking 
My head is spinning
Im sitting still, frozen with fear
Glass shattering
The walls are swaying
My phone rings but I can't speak right now
Please stop
I'm here alone
Will it come tumbling down on me?
I don't want to go like this
Surprisingly I decide to pray
Lord please protect and forgive me
It doesn't stop
My hands are shaking
How pathetic, how insignificant
I won't allow a tear
I'm strong in my weakness
I don't have these fears
So small in this universe, a mere spec
Powerless...

21.8.18
sa

This is how I die
blinded by the light
that reflects off the rain
in puddles
in front of the car

When I met her
I was in a dark place
She made me feel better
alone with her I felt safe

When I met her
I fell in love easily
Me and her alone
protecting me in isolation furiously

Her's was the fear
but I knew why I had to be scared
the danger was clear
I wasn't meant to be shared

But hidden in front of everyone's eyes
better still behind closed doors
safe and sound and internally screaming
my lively body lying dead on barren floors

When I met her
to love her felt so right
easier yet but to walk amongst strangers
simpler yet to swallow all forsaken pride

Since I realized that I loved her wrong
that I only grew fond of her protection
I started taking her out on walks
I've written her a heartfelt song

"I love you dear,
you are my fearful guardian
and I thank you for reminding me
to keep an open eye, to always look for the hidden scorpion
Let me find comfort in you
when I know being terrified
makes less a fool out of me
but only a soul less traveled, barely petrified.

In my way of loving,
let me find my kind of freedom
I don't need you solving

Anxiety. "