Late night texts
Sleepy eyes
Small smiles
Butterflies

Stolen moments
Held inside
Beating heart
Stupefied

~

Left alone
Tear filled eyes
Chapped lips
Scarred thighs

Empty promises
Cast aside
Broken heart
Terrified

~j.l.

I am terrified to let you know how I really feel
But time is spinning forward faster than a wheel
Each day that passes is another chance I lose
Cowardly silence is what I always seem to choose
For what if I let my polished surface crack?
Only to discover you don't love me back?
So I act indifferent, like I don't care at all
Determined not to be the first to text or call
I'm safer with you thinking I don't give a ****
You have no idea how badly I'm stuck
Controlled by the fear of getting hurt once more
That's what happened when I shared feelings before
But they keep growing, I have nowhere to hide
They have almos filled me up completely inside
And I start to wonder how much longer
I'm able to pretend these emotions aren't stronger..
I'll admit I'm scared to tell you what is inside my heart
But which am I more afraid of? Being real? Or being apart?

i feel like a ghost. i'm just numb and moving forward to nowhere. i'm tired of fake friendships and i'm tired of having no goals. during this time full of beginning i am immersed in the ending of the only good thing i had. i want everyone to step away from me. not in some tragically dramatic way, i just think i need time to create myself and find me because god i feel so lost. i'm craving adventure and freedom because my mind is locked up and terrified of almost everything. i miss being myself. i don't know when exactly i lost myself or where i went, but i haven't seen myself since you drove me home.
come back, i miss myself.

although you were an ******* to me
and never loved me the way i needed
you had a big impact on my life
you were the first person i ever loved
so now i know how love feels because of you
and you treated me like ****
but i realized my self-worth through that
and you didn't really like me for who i was
but i started to love myself because of that
and because of you, i figured out what was best for me
and i promised myself
i would never let anyone treat me like **** again
even if i loved them more than anything
because i loved you more than anything
at least i thought so
but you don't deserve to feel my love
i stayed because i thought you wanted me
when in reality you were just using me the whole time
and i would say thank you for helping me find myself
but no you don't deserve that either
i am ******* terrified because of you now
and i will never ever ever forget
the way you would take me into the bathroom at school
and do things to me that i didn't really want
or do things when we were alone that made me feel disgusting
isn't school supposed to be a safe place?
but i can't be in one place
that doesn't remind me of all the things you did to me there
my life turned to **** because of you
my whole life was ruined
everything i cared about, gone
you broke up with me
7 months ago
kissed me twice after that
which caused me to hate myself because i let you
it took me this long to get back on my feet
and i hope one day
someone hurts you so bad
that it will take twice as long
to get over it

i feel safe with
words i know
words i can create
i am terrified  
  --of yours.