these old wounds that mar my skin
etched into the memory of myself
these bodies have memories
and if mine were made into a movie
it would be one hell of a horror story

i was raised in a nice home with good parents
and plenty of food for me to eat
and plenty of clothes for me to wear
so why do i bear these scars

i have an incredible support line
people who love and care about me
even my co-workers see that
why can't I?

if our happiness was determined by our support system
then i would be the happiest ******* person on the planet

my tombstone will read:

took so much
gave so little

gone so soon
but not soon enough

We're walking hand in hand
My partner and I
Following a paved path through the park
Our feet sink a little deeper in each step
As we cross into dewy grass
As I lay out our rainbow blanket
6 feet from water's edge
I'm lost in my own thoughts
So much so that I don't even notice
When you've stood up and
Walked to the water's edge
I only notice when I hear the water splash
You're already waist-deep when I reach the edge
"What are you doing?"
I yell and you simply stare at me with a smile in your eyes
Your arm extends and your fingertips beckon
You want me to join you
My mind starts spinning with excuses
I'm wearing jeans so the water would feel gross
I can't leave our things unattended
It's chilly today, we could get sick
There could be sharks in the water
You don't hear any of it
As you sink further into the cerulean abyss
Suddenly I am aware of my best friend
They're by your side and you both look happy
They reach their arms out to me too
I feel so alone on the shore
Yet my mind keeps feeding me reasons
To avoid taking the plunge
I rub my eyes and run my hands through my greasy hair
I look back up and now the animals have joined you
My sweet kittens and the brown dog
Very rapidly, everyone I care about
Emerges from the depths
My mom and her partner
My high school best friend
My college best friend
All of their arms outstretched towards me
The panic sets in as I lean over the edge
My own face reflects back at me
The image shimmers as tears fall into the water
My face remains entirely dry
As my reflection continues to cry
I don't understand
My loved ones continue to reach for me
So many arms aimed in my direction
It feels extremely threatening
Yet I know they're there to catch me
I decide to join them and
I can't step over the edge
My body doesn’t want to give in
A running start doesn't help either
As my feet are glued to the grass
Anxiety shocks all of my limbs
I feel so alone
I feel so scared
I am so close to where I want to be
But I'm still not there
I can see the path so clearly
I can see the safety net of my chosen family
And I still can't move