Time flies so fast,
That I'm stuck,
Paralyzed
Watching
As my words
Drift away....
As I fade...

Into..

Nothing.

Sometimes
Through these suffocating thoughts, I plunder,
Loosening the grip that my mind is under.
People see but never see
The person hiding inside of me.
So I slacken the knot
Because perhaps I have a shot
At floating free, at last unpinned,
Becoming the shadows, secrets and wind
So I can let things be.
All just so that sometimes
I am not stuck inside of me

I only conjure sweet words
When the world is
Hushed and indistinct
I ponder if I am a creature of the night

But I am simply restless
And these words are mere distractions
From all of the pain I'm feeling
Another wall I've painted eloquently

To convince myself
This isolated, sunless world
Is more enchanting
Than anything reality
Could ever grant me.

I feel possessed by these coping mechanisms
Spirits I once let in so freely
Opened myself to them as a home
In return, they kept me safe for many years
Until keeping me safe meant keeping me locked inside
Among them
Where I would be safe
Nothing could get in
Yet, soon enough I realized
I could no longer get out
And now I'm sitting here
At the edge of my consciousness
Banging against the metal bars
Begging for a way out
And sometimes they do
Let me out
To breathe a moment
Let me off the leash to prove to them
That I am safe enough to be free
And it feels amazing and weightless
Like I am fluid and free
Until the moment I feel threatened
And my panic calls out to those spirits again
They sooth me and care for me
Gently washing over me and
Managing the stress with ease
Until I am calm
Sitting snugly behind
The metal bars again

)

I knew if I said too much
This would happen
I should have known
And not gotten so close

He is like a flame
And I, a moth
I keep coming back
Except this time I was really burned

I want to go back though
Say it was all *******
And I made it up
Ask for forgiveness

But I know I can’t
I know why I’ve been feeling this sinking feeling
In my stomach every time I thought about him
My mind warned me

But I didn’t listen
Like a moth to a flame
I kept going back
I couldn’t help myself

I wish I listened
I wished I stopped,
Cold turkey
But he’s addicting

And I’ve already burnt
My wings to a crisp
I can’t fly away
I’m stuck here

Left to defend
Against the unwanted thoughts
And the ultimate betrayal,
He has displayed

I won’t go back, I can’t
But I might
He still is a flame
And I, a moth

Days go by
I am stuck,
I am stuck in the dark
There is not a soul in sight

Not a day goes by
where I'm not
waiting for a light to
guide me
which direction to go in
and how to get there

I ask for you,
myself
to be that light

My heart beats every second...
But it doesn't heal my wound...
I blink every minute...
But it doesn't help me to avoid a hit...
Gabriel crosses my mind at least every hour...
But it doesn't give me power...
The sun rises every morning...
But it doesn't take away my longing...
The moon shines down on me, every month, at night...
But it doesn't make things right...
I realize more every year...
But it doesn't destroy fear...
I grow older every decade...
But it doesn't strengthen the things I once made...
The promises faded while I had them in my hands...
The guide disappeared and now I'm lost in the hills and lands...
The stars won't shine at all...
I keep bumping in wall after wall...
I'm standing knee-deep in the mud of loneliness...
When I look back, all I see is a big mess...
The breeze of memories whispers in my ears and makes me shiver...
All I need to find is the river...
But I'm stuck at the moment...
I hear a bugle and I wonder who/what they hunt...
Maybe there is another war...
I hope they stay far...
I want to be by myself...
I don't need great wealth...
All I want now is Gabriel to open his eyes...
I want him to see all of the lies...