you are the voice
of my most cruel thoughts
remind me of all the
tears, and nightmare i have fought

you tear me down each day
haven't seen you in years
but you're still here
one of my greatest fears

tortured by the memories
you've cursed me with
ask me if i miss you
i plead the fifth

please get out stay out
stop living in my head
stop making me scared
to live for myself instead

i can't be haunted anymore
but you linger here
never fading out
i need you to dissapear

I'm completely nothing compared to her...

Our love was poetic, the type that you find writers writing about in their journals. Trying to find ways to compare the burning sensation our hearts feel when our bodies touch.
Does it look similar to the way a star dies- colours imploding and spraying a pitch black emptiness with a spectrum of colours so surreal it seems as if the universe took acid.

Would they start to write about how it’s so destructive that it reminds them of the California wildfires that engulf acres in minutes.

Our love, it reminded them of the way the ocean felt- vast and mysterious. They wrote about the way the moon would pull against the ocean and the way the ocean pushed back, telling the world about how I would hold you close against my body and you would push away, our bodies like the waves.

We were beautiful.

Stars melted at the sight of our kisses, creating supernovas that would make the unknown elements that sit at the bottom of our bellies like undiscovered essentials that make us whole.
Broken pieces that came together better than puzzle pieces.
Our love was endless.

So why did you go?

And I want to say how irrevocably sorry I am…
That I did not open myself to the thought that you were a beacon of beautiful.
I did not love you enough to share you.
I did not give you anything to stand on.
I created a world for you that deterred love,
To deter pain.
Fought happiness to remain unscathed of disappointment.
You have created a black hole of your heart,
Nothing for anyone to fall into,
Grab hold of…
You have created a wall of your heart,
That slows down anything that could give it meaning …
Nothing means anything unless it is in relation to something else, someone else.
It is what matters here,
What we leave here,
For someone else to hold on to…
And you have given just enough to leave remnants of …
someone almost here
Almost alive
Almost open,
But nothing to hold on to.
I am sorry.
You are saddened.
You have created nothing to leave here,
And I never gave you the hope to hold on, that someone might stay here
Share here
Think gold
Of the sun adorning your
Being.
I am sorry that I didn’t see it,
They could have
They would have …
It was up to me
To let you feel…
To share you
//An Apology To Myself…

I believe some poetry is best unseen, unheard, and unloved.
Not to say it isn't beautiful, but that it is so beautiful it must remain secret
For fear of tarnishing it.

I have so many poems about a girl with brown eyes,
Who told me she did not know how to love anymore.
But after getting in a relationship with a guy just a day after our break-up
Seems to be loving fine.

Perhaps its better I did not share those poems.

I have come to the conclusion that I am just hard to love.
Mostly because I need to write all my feelings,
Turn sadness into metaphor and anger to simile,
Just to be sure these emotions won't tear me apart.

When she told me she didn't know what love meant,
I wrote her a poem about the ways I wanted to get to know her.
She didn't understand it.
That my poetry was my love,
That if she couldn't see that I wouldn't know what love was either.

Its been over a month since she left me for someone with stronger hands,
But I still have managed to reign in my poetry.  
I do not write about the ways I wanted to know her,
Nor do I let mention of her smile slide into my metaphor.

If I do, it is never seen or heard.
I lock it in the remains of this black heart,
Burn it in the flames of my pride.
I will not let heart break run me.
My love is a beautiful secret.
I will not be tarnished by a broken girl who does not know how to love.

-You
-
                   
                     









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