Lessening sadnesses
by appropriating real-time
  I wish for certainty
but don’t grant myself
that luxury–unworthy of
getting my way, fulfilling
my desires…all renters
no buyers, not in this market
Writing without cause
to satisfy my purpose
Giving your name
less power by replacing it
with Jump Ship, ‘cause
that’s what you do, when
the action gets too hot
you can no longer allot
your time…your priorities
change within a day
  I wish for consistency
but don’t grant myself
the serenity to accept
it won’t come from you.

Should I pick up the broken pieces,
or pretend they're not even there?
Right about now I'm dying for a cigarette.
Maybe I can smoke out all the words unsaid from my putrid lungs.
There's a sick satisfaction, knowing no one can save you.
A friend told me that every fifteen cigarettes causes a mutation.

Good.

Maybe I can smoke myself into a different person who's okay without you.

“I want to buy a pack of Marlboro reds and smoke them one by one.
Twenty little friends to calm my nerves.
Twenty times I’ll count which memories I’m burning away.
I’m dizzy from the nicotine, but thinking more clearly now.
There’s a sick satisfaction
in killing yourself slowly.
I want to understand the songs
about needing a smoke.”
1:34 p.m, Monday, March 9, 2015
- j.d

I’m sorry i tried to make a home out of you
used your bones as shelter
hid my insecurities under your skin;
my jealousy under your tongue
I’m sorry i wrote all over your skin to reassure myself that you still loved me.
I’m sorry i tried to light a fire in your heart to keep myself warm
And when you left,
i felt homesick
your words bled through my heart and cracked my ribs
nights of walking home alone trying not to throw myself into traffic.
This morning a friend called me and he noticed my voice sounded different and i told him i was smiling, because i was thinking of you.
He asked about you and i told him,
i told him you were a lesson i needed to be taught, you were adventurous, spontaneous, and i loved you.
I told him you were like that one song that you never get tired of no matter how many times you listen to it, i told him you were that great.
In the end he noticed my voice was different again and i told him it was because i wasn’t smiling anymore.
I’m sorry i tried to make a home out of you;
when you are so much more than a place to hide.

the flame burns before us,
and you sit behind me.
not at my side,
not in front of me.
and in this you are like my guardian again,
although i've never needed anyone to protect me.
because that's my job.
i am my own shield.
but here you are.

you're voice above me,
body behind me.
and it's not intimate.
you barely notice the way my rib cage shakes,
the thunder in my veins every time your words resound.
and inside, there is a war.

because how could i ask you to walk
into the depths of this sea,
into this storm,
with this youth in your bones,
and the steel in mine?

sleep now, let's sleep.
and if only you were next to me again.
if only.