What was I up to while we were locked-in?
I was busy contemplating sin.
I had months and months of moments to spend,
Ms chaste without, misdeeds within.

Lust, like seasickness - upends reason
and it burns like underbrush fuel.
So dust my DNA, and ID my ***** dreamin'
am I guilty of breaking some rule?

Check the holy books you preached  many
And swear you haven't breached any

Cogitate the words spilled from your tongue
If truly they could manifest for lifelong

Feel the air you inhale,If truly you merit breathing
Look into the mirror,If sincerely you deserve seeing

Walk in the darkness to find your way
If your pious heart lead not the helpless astray

Pray death never meet your deadly deeds
For the innocents will reap your soiled seeds

Anticipate the leader of the dead bands
Inhumed in the open caskets with your hands

Footprints shall reveal the paths legs treaded
Time shall tell when death killed the dead

The dark prince drinks from the broken glass his tongue splintered with lies
His tears flowing freely skin rotten and falling
He is devoid of life
One king may fall and only one may rise
****** is rage and rage is slaughter
My prince belongs to the slaughter
Because only the slaughter may cry

His heart beats red and his putrid mind sees only the same thing
Many lives are lost in death and many more are made
All things must draw parallel only in death is the prince most Alive
He moves his hands in wide growing arcs wanting to embrace the world
His rage is slaughter
His limbs fall from place hanging listlessly in void and in vain
A single tear falls from the prince
He rises from his throne of nothing wanting to become something because he too is man

He roams in nothing wanting to see everything his eyes portray a new emotion
My prince roams heartlessly spreading his rage and I follow him
His tears of slaughter shift into this new emotion
My prince is dark but his heart has grown light
He open his lips
He was born to cry

Suffering rage sorrow and negativity have built his foundation
His entire life belongs to the slaughter
Sorrow returns to rage as they were never different
The God who wantonly killed suddenly wanted to die

I hurt when I see you with him.
Is this jealousy I'm feeling?
My thoughts of you two together.
Ha! That's my dark place.
I'm really greedy when it comes to you.
I want you all to myself.
But I'm scared I might ruin things between us.
All I want is for these painful feelings to go away.
I'm tired and I just want to sleep.
Should I tell you my feelings?
No.
I'll just sit quietly in the background and watch over you like I always do.
Can I be happy with you by my side and no one else?
I guess not...
Will you ever notice my feelings?
Not a chance.
You're too busy thinking only of your fiancee.
It's a sin for me to be who I am.
Falling in love with my big sisters best friend... a girl at that.
Why am I even here?
I'll just be pulled blindly by my love.
Maybe I should just give up.
Tried that.
Maybe I should just branch off from you.
You won't let me do that again.
Why do you keep me so close when you know I'm not the straightest person on earth?
Is there more meaning to us acting our couples?
Surely not.
It's just for fun...
I hurt.
I'm tired.
I'm jealous.
I cant let you know.
I'll just suffer alone like normal.
When I'm with you I feel happy and myself.
But when he comes along my world fades to blacks and grays.
I've never felt like this about anyone before.
I may say that alot about the people I'm with but this is different.
I'm sure.
Please.
Please help me escape these suffocating feelings.
My chest hurts all the time.
I play it off as an anxiety attack.
Or I'll just say I'm fine.
I feel numb and shaky at the same time.
All I can do is cry to myself.
I'm done.
I cant deal with it anymore.
I want it to stop.
You'll never return my feelings.
For one you are straight.
For two you are engaged.
For three you only see me as my sisters little sister...
I know I'm being selfish when I think of these things...
But I cant help it.
I dont want to help it.
Dont look at me like that.
Like that of a little sister.
It hurts.
Dont act the couples with me and not mean it.
It hurts.
Please stop talking about him around me.
It hurts.
I dont want to hear of the family you'll make with him...
It hurts... alot.
When I see you two together... I see a perfect couple.
It makes me tear up.
I will never have that with you.
I told you I cut for a different reason than what I really do it for.
I cut because of my pain I feel about you two.
Please dont hold that against me.
Dont hate me for these sinful thoughts.
It's what I feel.
It confuses me.
Why you?
Why someone who is meant to be married to her lover?
Why was I born to be sinful?
I question my life all the time
What are you doing right now?
Probably "spending time" with him before work.
Being lovers.
I'll just stay in your shadow.
Forever unnoticed.
I have wishful thinking that someday you'll turn your beautiful eyes towards me with love.
chuckles Like I said.
Wishful thinking.
I always get my hopes up.
When we act and you breathe next to my face... my heart stops.
When you cuddle into me or the other way around... I feel like its natural.
This could all be my heart yearning for love so young.
I'm not surprised.
More like I hate it.
I dont want to be like this.
Maybe I should end it?
No... I could never really do it.
I'm happy just being close to you when I can.
I'll wait for the day when I'm not needed anymore.
Waiting...
Waiting..
Waiting.
When?
Why won't you let me be how I was?
Am I really important to you like how I want it to be? Or is it because I'm your friend and best friends little sister?
When I look through your eyes... I see a deep hidden pain from your past.
All the things you tell me is just a small portion of how you really feel.
I may not have gone through what you have but I can relate to a degree.
I love the feeling of you close to me.
Man I sound like a freak.
But it's who I am.
A freak.
A walking sin.
A nobody.
Whatever.
I'm used to these alien feelings.
Or I should be.
I used to be numb all the time and in my own world.
But that all changed when we grew closer.
Why did we have to get closer?
Why?!
I knew from the first time we really hung out just the two of us that my world would change.
I would change.
Now I want to change back.
For good.
I'll be fine.
I'm always fine.
I'll be fine till the day I end my own life.
Then I'll be free from the pain I feel in my heart.
When you have a family of your own will you forget about me?
I'm scared.
I dont want to be alone.
I want you hear with me.
Promise?
Haha people always promise things.
They never keep them.
Dont get my hopes up.
Remember how I always say you look fine?
I love everything about you.
The way you look.
The way you speak.
The way you walk.
How smart you are.
How you have goals for yourself.
How even though you say you're not a nice person you still are there for me...
How is that not nice?
It makes me feel loved.
Believe it or not.
When you cut I get ******.
I have no room to talk because I do it too.
But I wish you wouldn't hurt yourself...
I will say.
I'll love you even when you are scarred or you hate me.
I want to be there for you.
When you are happy.
Sad.
******.
Alone.
Confused.
In your own world.
I may not be able to talk about it well but I'll listen.
I love watching every face you make.
Or how you feel when you play the guitar.
I want to be that person that is there for you when you need someone.
But you already have him...
That won't stop me from helping in the background.
I dont want you to feel alone when people aren't around.
I'll be there by your side.
I want to do anything that I can to get your attention but I must be silent.
Is this Gods way of testing me?
Is this his way of punishing me for sinning?
Will he make it worse the closer we get?
Please dont take her laugh away from me.
Please dont take her smile away from me.
I dont understand what he has in store but I dont know if I have the strength.
Will you be my strength?
Or will you be my downfall?
I guess time will only tell.
I'll leave it off with one more thing to say...

I love you.