I want you to hurt me
I want you to bring me pain
I want you to make me angry and sad and jealous
I want you to make me feel every emotion that I hide away from in the midst of the night, every emotion that makes me cringe and pray I was never born
I want you to chop off my head with the guillotine of confusion
and cause it to explode with the pain of constant headache
I want you to make my eyes bleed with tears of pain of seeing things I cannot bare to see
I want you to rip them out of my sockets with a swift glance of lust and squeeze them until I am not able to see a sliver of light in the darkest room
I want you to rip my ears off with silence and shred them with scissors of obliviousness
I want you to take my lips and burn them in the fire of loneliness and watch them wither as the skin crackles longing for an ounce of moisture
I want you to take my heart and stab it with the damnation of solitude leaving it broken and in pieces in the pits of a dungeon
never to be rescued, never to be put together and set free for all eternity
I want you to tie my hands behind my back with a rope of thorns
as my wrist bleed and struggle to simply touch the beauties of the world they long for
I want you to cement my feet into the ground until they go numb and turn black falling off where I once stood leaving to grow old where I lay to decay into nothing but dust and last only as a painful memory to the person who had to sweep me up
I want you to hurt me
I want you to bring me pain
I want you to make me angry and sad and jealous
I want you to make me feel every emotion that I hide away from in the midst of the night, every emotion that makes me cringe and pray I was never born
But when you ask me what I want
All you’ll hear is that I want you to love me

your grip was always cold and harsh,
it left bruises with colors of autumn leaves,
they were beautiful on my pale skin,
your eyes were enchanting,
a piercing blue that sparked like a faulty wire,
your ideas were wild,
as wild as your hair in the early morning,
as wild as your personality,
as wild as the look in your eyes when i mess up,
i know i have done something wrong,
but your love is warmth after you make me feel cold,
you tell me you love me,
your lips whisper promises i know you cant keep,
but you love me you say,
you say you mean it,
maybe that's why i stayed,
but your love was a lot to handle,
if the love you promised me was this damaging i wouldn't have stayed,
the pale technicolor bruises have spread,
my silence makes you happy,
that faulty wire that lit up with your passion is tied tight around my neck,
the blue color of your eyes has spread onto my skin,
i cant breathe,
untie the wire,
your wild ideas have gone too far this time,
i cant.
breathe.

On cold, October evenings, you can hear the rustling of leaves being blown by the wind.
Your neighbor's dog barking with an echo down the street.
The giggling of children as they play games under the glow of dim street lights.
You are not alone.

And then there's the sunset,
Colors grazing what is left of the autumn leaves on the trees,
it is time for you to situate yourself back into your home.
There's a quietness to your house; bodies lingering nearby but don't present themselves.
You scale the stairs that creak with each step like an eerie tune that brings brief life into the home.
Bristly fur of a cat brushes against your goose bumped skin.
You are not alone.

The stillness of your bedroom,
The hall light peeking through from under your closed door creating shadows in the darkness.
The light representing someone is still awake in the quiet house as you're trying to close your eyes and shut off your thoughts.
Quiet sobbing turned into hyperventilating as the blanket you're clutching, crumples as your grip tightens.
You feel cold and helpless fighting internally with the dark shadows making their way into your mind.
Your gasping breaths are abruptly stopped by the beat of rushed footsteps.

The swinging open of your door creates a wave of light that masks out the nothingness in your room.
Their arms wrapping tightly around your shaking body,
as you gurgle your fears out of your throat,
is that warmth you craved.
"You are not alone."

when i first kissed you the whole universe around us ceased to exist. all i knew was you. all i felt was you, your hands running under my shirt, up my thighs, around my hips. all i tasted were your lips; all i smelled was your skin, that cheap cologne i couldn't get enough of. i didn't want it to happen this way. i didn't want to fall for someone who only loved the skin i was in. i want to shed my skin like a snake and emerge as a new person. i want to be unrecognized by you in a new beauty. i want you to be mesmerized by the new person i've become. i want another chance for you to fall for me, too. i want you to care. but i've stopped. i've stopped caring about the amount of times i go to your house, the amount of time we spend in your bed, the money on train tickets from my house to yours and back. i don't care if we're caught. i don't care if we're not. nothing matters because this doesn't matter.

The hallways were clogged,
Like a fat man's arteries.

Bright like the sun
Dark like the night
Wrong like a flaw
Right like the angle
Beautiful like an angel
Without wings or a halo

the chime of a phone call awoke me.
the message was simple.
"don't come today".

The murky sun
peered curiously
past sheered grey

phasing in and out
like a kitchen light on a dimmer
or an oscillating fan.

I rarely taste this version
of morning breath much
anymore.

My tongue flicks
Absent mindedly
Discovering and rediscovering
The new sensation
Of a missing tooth
Or a kernel of food
wedged in my gums
Or a ****** cheek
Bit ferociously while chewing.

In my same manor
My thoughts stroke
the idea of you,
Feeling for any new details
i may have missed
My first time
across your surface.

a mark, wrinkling
beneath your eye
a small  tattoo
above your elbow
a delicate crease
where your head
meets your neck.

Subtleties of self
are everything to me.
you hold your cigarette
between hits,
bent backwards between
thumb and *******
as if subconsciously,
you know
you’re damning yourself.

You hold your elbows
When you cross your arms
As though you are afraid,
Should you relax your grip
The contents of your chest
Will spill out before you
Like a toppled canister
Of produce remnants,
Juicy, sloppy, and sopping

But you speak quietly,
like a discarded bag
of shredded documents.
Rustling with partial importance
I try to piece together
your comments
almost as though your words
hang beneath the weight
of your breath
as an afterthought
of your exhalation.

I watch you
watch me,
calmly calculating
baiting conversations
with tactful insinuation
and later,

in deep rumination
they replay.
I select the moments
That fit the narrative
I've created,
rummaging through
until what I want
you to mean
is all I hear you say.

You're like a bad hair day or rush hour traffic
You're like small talk from strangers or those really slow mall walkers

You're like a dead remote control or a flat tire on the way to work
You're like writer's block that goes on for months or a malicious tornado that destroys an entire town


He's like a sunny day with a warm breeze or a reading brand new book
He's like a fresh blanket right out of the dryer or blasting a favorite song with the windows down

He's like hot chocolate on a cold winters night or watching the perfect sunset
He's like the perfect hug or finding money in an old jean pocket

I am like a river. Sometimes unsteady but always flowing, always moving forward.

Because I like to think it's my turn to enjoy a beautiful sunset instead of getting slaughtered by a tornado.