My heart aches
I can’t survive being alone
It’s such an empty existence
Everything is meaningless
No one is around to care
But I’m really ill
And I’m only getting worse
What do you expect
When the invalid is left
To care for herself?

I’m working
I’m trying
I take my medicine
I bandage my own wounds
But the more I patch myself up
The more I wonder why it matters
Why should I bother getting better
If no one even noticed I was ill...
If no one seems to care...
If I don’t really care anymore...

All I see are the insides of my eyelids.
All I hear are muffled sounds of people
Panicked by the sight of my unruly body.
Shifting in and out of what I think to be real,
Flickering on and off,
Someone is playing with the lights.

Someone touches me  
I want to touch back

Hello?

And again.

Who is touching me?

They stop.

Desperate for touch,
I grasp for something that’s not there.
I collect nothing but air in my hands.


     Touch touch touch
Touch something!
Touch anything!

My tummy needs tucking
My legs need a squeeze
My arms need reshaping
All this could be done with ease

I'll happily invite you in
Make yourself at home
In my small intestine, Sure!
You'll be free to roam

Come from Latin America
Mexico, Cuba, or Peru
If you help me to get skinny
I'll be forever in debt to you

Although someday when the time comes
And I want to get you out
I hope you don't make a fuss
And kick and scream and shout

Parasite, oh parasite
All I ask is just one thing
A mere tapeworm is all I want
So give the phone a ring

This is going to work
I’ll feel better
Swapping medications
Paroxetine for fluoxetine
Sprinkle in some hydroxyzine
Just keep swallowing
Pill after pill...
Idk... maybe one of them will help
But now.... my head spins
Every time I move
I never want to eat
Then I gorge myself
I can’t remember anything
I’m sorry I keep forgetting
I just... I’m trying so hard to get better
I’m trying. I am.
But to get better
I must endure illness
Withdrawal
Side effects
Before any of it will improve

It’s returned
I’m getting obsessive
I can hear the voices...
They’re afraid
Urging caution where none is needed
Seeing death in every little thing
They can’t hear reason
The anxiety has been triggered
I could panic
I won’t... but I could

This is so familiar....
I know this delusion...
It was my companion for so long...
Until the pills broke our bond
But now....
It wasn’t supposed to come back
I thought I was free
I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE RID OF YOU!!!


But here I am
Bending to your will again
A slave to the compulsions
To the irrationality of my mind
I was afraid of this...
I am so **** afraid of this
Because I really don’t know
If I can fight this again