I want to feel loved.

I crave the melting of flesh into mine.
Boiling pores and sweating fingertips
tracing my face.
I lace myself into your hair and make myself a nest.
I am safe,
but not for long.

For I will never feel safe again,
not in your arms,
not in the arms of any.
I am *****,
soiled,
used,
empty.

I am not a body of love,
No longer a *** of milk tea
on a cold day.
Watercolour stains wash away with water.

I am viper,
I am splinters,
hangnails,
and paper cuts.

I will never be soft again,
and it’s your fault.
I will never forgive you for that.

You keep fighting your imaginary demons,
Well I'll be here fighting my very much so real ones,
They stalk me in the night time,
They cling to me in day time,
They're my shadow when I don't have one on the ground,
And they are the thoughts that I have to keep shooting down,
Or else I might just wind up on the side of the road,
Bullet in my skull, feet covered in roses,
Because if I'm going out, I'm going out in style,
And with nothing less than a smile,

Because I was here, and I was tainted,
And I was naive once, before she was created,
So here I am ***** and used,
Waiting for someone to look at me like I'm new,

I once believe everything that came out of everyones mouth daily,
But I haven't been like that since the snap of a cameras lens,
Since the sound of my childhood crashing and burning,
On the ground, ashes scattered, each one a lesson I was learning,
A hard fought battle I had won, and now I'm damaged goods,
No good to anyone, except to be tossed aside and abused,
Because you're a con artist,
And let's not forget a *******,
A demoness who prays on children with her golden hair,
Made out of lies that have been prepared,

I was here, and I was tainted,
And I was naive once, before she was created,
So here I am ***** and used,
Waiting for someone to look at me like I'm new,

I'm here, I'm tainted,
I'm still naive, even after all that she created,
I'm here ***** and used,
Just tell me, just look at me like I'm new.

I grasp onto the gasps and awe of some stranger
I do it all reckless, and so unafraid by this danger
I tango with the early hours and my own ***** mind
I beg for more from the phone screen I hide behind
I play with these loose holds and these unattached strings
I play with their pleasure, revel in the way they moan and sing
I validate my own worth through this self I display
I almost don't recognize the person on my mirror today

[Intoxicated by Freemasons is playing in the background]

(A smokin' hot intoxicated woman walks up to me initiating a conversation in the club.)

Kadija: Hey I couldn't help but notice your gorgeous self from across the room!
Me: I can definitely say the same about you. Matter of fact I'm saying it right now because I'm a free spirit lol.
(We both laughed)
Kadija: You're so **** hot!
(She grabs my face and starts making out with me very passionately.)
(The kiss lingers for about a minute and a half.)
(She then breaks the kiss. Both of us gasp for breath.)
Me: You're pretty ******* hot too!
Kadija: Can you sign my *****?"
Me: Sure I love signing chicks *****! It's one of the best **** party favors in America!
Kadija: I know right!
(She pulls her top down flashing her beautiful tan ***** and tan *******.)
(She briefly rubs/twists her *******.)
(I sign her ***** and put a smiley emoji along with a smiley with shades finishing her off with a deep kiss on each of her ***** giving a little bit of tongue swirling action across her *******.)
Kadija: Whoo! Hell yeah!
(She shakes her ***** from side to side and briefly jumps and down. I was mesmerized by the way they were moving up and down then puts them back into her top.)
Kadija: Thanks for the kiss babe!
Me: No prob. You have beautiful *******. I like them.
Kadija: They like you too lol.
(Grinning from ear to ear I smile.)
Kadija: Come on baby give them a squeeze lol.
(I grab her ******* and squeeze them.)
(She grips my **** through my pants and starts rubbing it.)
Kadija: Mmm thanks babe. These ***** have been needing a little TLC anyway. They've been bored to death and needed a little fun and excitement.
(We both laughed again.)
Kadija: But if you really wanna see them in action there is a bathroom right behind us.
Me: I'm down
Kadija: Come on baby let's go.

I saw you again today
It’s been a while but once again feelings came flooding
my mind opened them like flood gates
Unfortunately I couldn’t stop them in time
I went back to being that small child in elementary school thinking to myself “this isn’t right”
How dare I let this happen to myself and how dare I not tell anyone
but see that’s the thing
people believe that when you get molested or ***** that your first instinct is to tell someone
but really it’s not
it’s to tuck it away in your mind so deep that you don’t even want to think about it
but it always comes back up
it always ends up floating to the surface somehow
I still don’t tell very many people
but when I saw you today I wondered to myself
do you even think about what you did to me?
do you think about it every day like I do?
or is it just a distant memory to you?
Then again, you enjoyed it so why would it bother you.

This monster called guilt, is eating me alive,
And I'm telling you this, so one day, when I've died,
You don't have sit there and wonder all the reasons why,
It's her, it's me, it's all the things I did hide,
Because of the shame and the regret,
And the things in between that I sat,
Upon for years that made me bleed,
Until I choked upon their ashes in my head,
And you all rationalized it away,
The rage and the self-hate,
But it all came down to, it all comes down to,
To a basement and carpet stains on the ground,

Someone help me end this living nightmare,
Where I'm haunted by a demon with golden hair,
She said to trust her and touch her there,
Well I did, and I did, now I hate her,
But not as much as I hate myself,
And no one can take away how I feel,

Sunshine shone in from that tiny window underground,
But all I could concentrate on was the sounds,
That came out of your filthy mouth,
And now I'm just on a one way train that's bound,
For hell, just like you, so eternity it is,
With the devil stuck in my head,
But I deserve no less for what I did,
They say it's cycle, yes, that's what they said,
But I'll never do it again,
But she, I'm sure, she did,
So who's worse or any better really in the end?
The one who learned their lesson, or the one who never did?

Someone help me end this living nightmare,
Where I'm haunted by a demon with golden hair,
She said to trust her and touch her there,
Well I did, and I did, now I hate her,
But not as much as I hate myself,
And no one can take away how I feel.

My skin remained untarnished for 81 days.
But last night, it became too much.
5 cuts on my wrist;

One for every year I let you abuse me