you're trying to figure out
whether she's really
wearing Gucci,
or if it's a fake bag.

I'm trying to figure out
whether that look
in her eyes is grief
or another sadness
that I have not yet
learned to understand.

you're judging her
because her teeth
aren't perfectly straight.

I'm judging her
based off of the words
that come out from
behind those teeth.

you're hating on her
because she doesn't
wear her makeup like
the rest of these girls do.

I'm loving her because
she has the courage
to stand out, and the
self-respect to not care
if you don't like it.


you're studying her looks,
but I'm focused on her soul.

that's what makes us different.

Their pace is fast but your pace is at peace.

I don't know how to admit to myself that I miss you.
Or that I still love you.
Or that I hate you.

Every time you come to mind, I find something to distract myself
Something to sober my mind
Keep my hands busy
And my thoughts from running rampant

I've reclaimed my life now
And things are going to be better, yes

But I can't help but think about it
Replay it in my brain like an old VHS tape
Study it all, moment for moment

So I'll stay in my shell
And I'll feel my thoughts and feelings in private
And I'll wear my smile and tell myself
And everyone else
That it doesn't hurt
That I'm fine
That I know it's for the best
That I'm doing better without her

But the minute I close that bedroom door
And I steal a couple of minutes for myself
It all begins to crumble.

I think about when it's gonna end a lot these days
Only most of the time I don't know what "it" is
Life
These thoughts
These feelings
This cursed heart on my open and welcoming sleeve has to stop it's drum beat eventually, right?
And once it does I'll be safe. I'll be free.
And I know carving this Great source of power from my body will leave me weak

But I'd rather be weak than be vulnerable

Physically weak
Mentally unstable
Socially disturbed
Emotionally battered
Economically drained
Psychologically f**ked
Damaged goods I remain
Thank God, I love who I am
Because I feel no one else can

Drown the pain
Regret the threats
Your subconscious
Tells yourself
Don’t listen
Reply back
With laughter
Choose happiness
And choose
To love
Yourself regardless
Let go
Let love
For yourself
take over
Regardless the
Past pain
Or insecurities
Just be
Yourself genuinely
And accept
Who you
Truly are
Move on
Love life
And your
True self
For who
You are

Guarded by the beautiful trees
I sit
Dwelling in the sun
My chest being warmed
My eyes closed
"Trust me", sings the soft breeze
As I surrender to the being
To the moment
To birds' and nature's sounds around me
Peacefully
Healing...

no, i am not a first grader
incapable of knowing when to capitalize
and i type in lowercase to be nonchalant
i don't capitalize 'i' because

i am not important
my self worth is lower than the Mariana Trench
it's hard for me to even address
myself without feeling annoying

i am not more important than the word prestigious
i'm not more pretty than the word beautiful
i am not as nice as the word affectionate
i'm not as secure as the word trustworthy

it's so hard to reprogram your brain to accept
that you can be of some worth, that you can be
desirable at all after years of too much thinking
and being alone and trapped in my mind

everyday i must try my best to remind myself
that the subject of a sentence is being
complemented by the beautiful words
like the way a close friends complement you

i have to remember that there are people there for me
even if my head tries to tell me otherwise
it's a struggle every time, but
'I'
just have to try

I often talk to myself,
Asking, screaming y I am the way I am?
Questioning every prayer ever made and Thoughts ever occurred,
And then there comes a point,
Where the decision of ending it all seems the best,
But never found the courage to do so,
I hate myself for making me believe that I am worst thing other person can ever experience,
But I love myself for being able to survive through all of it alone,
I hate myself for all those bad decisions,
But I love myself for holding on to me when no one else did,
I hate myself for being reckless,
But I also love that part of me,
Because I know if I had never hated myself
I would have never known how much I love myself