Some see a bloom
under emerald crowns,
in shaded gloom.

I see You.

The Maples, five daint petals
warding their siblings
and birds perching broad shoulders,
some soft thing.

They don't know...

Thorns rest on your resolve,
a wrinkled body moss keeps
where the snow and fast rain
and the sun-ray sleeps.

They don't know...

You are pedestal,
grounded,
among dogwood and thistle,
a gem:
not simply one of them.

Men, past loves in passing,
and a white corsage to pin.
They rest themselves on you.
What a sin.

They don't know...

What takes no eye to know:
you're sky for the Night Star,
your bark is beautiful.

No! They don't know...

It’s moot.
Some see soft shoots.
Some,
cut flowers for roots.

But I see bark-
the beautiful dark.

I see You.

I knew someone,
As far as I knew.
Knew him till none,
But my love was true.

He had humour, he was silly,
He was like me; he was just me.
We shared our joys, shared our sorrows,
We had our today, dreamt of tomorrows.

But then, I saw the lies,
They pierced my heart like knives.
I hated him more each day,
I wished he’d go away.

His presence haunted me,
His guilt engulfed me.
He needs to go, go far,
But he can’t leave,
I am him.

Standing on the edge,
Step on the ledge,
Leaned to the front,
Skipped to the front,
Falling from the sky,
Falling onto die.

As I fell down, I realised,
He is human, he can change,
Maybe he can heal himself,
Maybe I would love him, again.
But as I fell down, I realised,
All that gone now, all in vain
And we laid down, with no pain.

Does reading my words make you feel things you wish you could alter?
I know you hate to know this but I've kept the truths of what you've all done watered
and yes on your side of the fence by your hands the roots were slaughtered
you all screamed my name with each of my innocent saplings you hacked and quartered

but that was only half of them, you all missed some in the corner, so now ladies and gentlemen ready yourselves for a tour to behold this tortured orchard

where the fruit rots and the fruit spoils
where the tree limbs twist and the tree limbs coil
where the ground has shards of glass and shrapnel in the soil
where the sun's so hot every drop of rain and dew begin to boil

liars and thieves
liars and thieves
the invaders who brought the plague that burned the leaves and replaced each of my succulent crops with piles and piles of thorny weeds
you all tried to force the fruit down my throat grown from your poisonous seeds
I realized now not everything that says it's human and has a heart bleeds

you guys who sniffed things through a cut straw that looked like powered chalk
you girls who'd give ***** looks and lift your hands to hide your lips as you talked
learn to keep my name out your mouth and to leave my page unstalked
cause if y'all can't stand me why do you stay looking at my posts from an account with an @ like a bot?

How does it feel? to know I remember the things you forgot
to know he's truly just my friend but has more fun with me than you even when you're giving him backshots
I laughed at you and found it really pathetic how you made your friend check my tiktoks
and honey... that natural deodorant doesn't work for you, even week old dead fish smell better at any fish mongers dock

The girl who had mice feet running over her children's silverware, your husband's a ***** and so are you if you're unaware
For fun you drink nyquil and it's not less ****** sipped out of earthenware
you used to say "I hate him this time of year, even the way he stupidly stares"
well this is the rest of your life honey, aren't you scared? and also if no one's told you please stop cutting your kids hair

And the ex I spoke to last November, I asked if you were excited to marry her, do you remember? well you left me shocked when your answer wasn't yes because with her in life you want to forever venture, my jaw dropped when the only thing you said you were excited for was being a child's predecessor and I hope you know one of my life's biggest treasures is knowing it wont be my precious blood that's shed to give you a successor. Oh, and your wife knows we talked, right? You did happen to tell her?

Either I've added to the lore or I've been talking to a wall, either way- you all make sure you come back to visit and take another tour of the tortured orchard next fall.

I open this door in front of me
it opens to the room I had when I was four maybe three
the walls are painted lilac and I count the beds in the room
one,
two,
three
for me and my two older sisters their names are Rachel and Brittany

I hear a giggle and look down
it's me as a little girl and oh my god that's right, my hair was a lighter shade of brown
she has on her princess sleeping gown and tells me "Here, follow me, I'll show you around, it's nighttime now or I'd ask mommy if we could go to the playground"

we're playing with her toys and she tells me "you look sorta familiar" I smile and ask her "do you think we look kinda similar?" I see her eyes moving and her brain searching her mind's perimeter she says "a little, can you tell me your name? I'm a good listener"
"I'm you from a time yet to come" I say sweetly just above a whisper, she climbs into my arms and on her forehead I kiss her

I tell her all the wonders she will see, who not to trust and all the amazing people she will meet, I tell her that some things never change; like how we still love to walk in our bare feet and how people still tell us "no one I've ever met before has been this sweet" I tell her there will be things you feel are left unsaid and incomplete and there will be times where you're biggest strength is to know when to retreat, and oh... you're going to fall deeply in love with a man, he's a musician and both his heart and drum play to their own beat, she sings with excitement "I cant wait to be older!! I've always wondered what kind of girl I'll be!!!" I look at her lovingly "you will grow into your power and strength- you are the rarest pearl from the sea- your life will be an amazing one, I love you and it's time for me to leave, but know I'm so proud of all the things you will achieve, your life will flourish sweet girl, you're in for such a treat"

It's 3:43am and I'm wondering if the spider in the corner of my bathroom is dreaming
I wonder if she knows about the sun and if she ever dreams of weaving a web in the moonlight
I wonder if she knows what I'm saying when I tell her "don't worry, i'll keep you safe" and I wonder if she believes me

Sometimes I lack feeling
I see a memory in my head and say "sadness and I were never friends"
but the truth is
Sadness and I were lovers
Tangled in sheets together
Sadness and I had pillow talk and night time kisses
Sadness knew every inch of my body
Sadness knew how to stick around
Sadness had a way of saying my name so sweet
but Sadness doesn't really touch me now... or not how it used to... Sadness seems far away like an estranged lover leaving at the end of august
Sadness feels like it's behind a piece of glass either as painting held behind a museum display case
or
as the figure I see through the local coffee shop window
Sadness doesn't sink into bed with me anymore already undressed Sadness doesn't look deeply into my eyes and say "I'm yours forever anymore"
Sadness doesn't touch my skin and melt into me anymore
Sadness doesn't send me perfumed love letters with personalized stationary anymore
Sadness and I don't speak much anymore
So yes sadness and I were lovers
but were sadness and I ever really friends?

I now kneel upon the barren earth of my desolate garden,
Clutching a soiled ***** with these scraped, fractured hands.
With this ugly design to dig up each raw fragment of my wounded self,
Dread and terror encircle me, like phantoms lurking in the depths of night,
Their icy grip growing even tighter with each passing breath.
I tear through every inch of my flesh, peeling skin to the bone,
Until the decaying corpus of my inner child unveils itself.
My cries reverberate, and my voice thunders through the shadows of the relentless night
Upon the discovery of such a harrowing crime by my soul.
I flee in pursuit of aid, chasing the promise of never returning back to the cursed garden,
Yet, the pitiless tempests of life redirect my course back to that sombre place,
Like a puppeteer’s hand steering a marionette, destined to revisit the obscurity once more.
Oh, how I long to pluck out mine eyes,
Unseam these veins, and drain my earthly vessel of its crimson essence,
So that I can cradle the petite, half-rotten body lying there, within my yearning arms.
But let me just lie here, until I am lifted up to another world,
One bathed in luminescence, adorned with gilded splendour and ethereal beauty of dreams.

A question that has so many answers.
A question that may be too difficult to answer.
But the answer is always “yes.” or “no.”
Never that “maybe.” That’s only in your head.
You lie to others because you yourself aren’t sure.
Maybe that’s why the question is so hard to answer.

I've been running consistently to getting somewhere
And in this moment right here my soul couldn't care
About all the dreams or the scars or wishes
I've been planning to go through, for my body leaves
The sense of reality under the gravity
Of my own pressures and judgements, projections
Of being imperfect, these self-rejections
Disguised as ambitions
Couldn't fool any soul that they are soul missions

I've been running and bleeding and I'm tired of feeling
That I am constantly in need of some divine healing
Healing is not becoming someone you're not
But accepting yourself as you are, the whole lot
The shadows, the wounds and the darkness of past
The ways that you cling still to what did not last
The ways that you think endlessly into void
And the way that you let your thoughts steal the joy

Of being right here, nothing else to avoid,
Just being yourself, it's not to control
The ways you exist or defining your role
Into this life in such perfect ammounts
That things old as faith and as grace simply counts
To nothing

Cause I'll tell you, you're something
That could never be perfect, for you can't be a concept
But when you look at the rain or the sea, anything
That nature has brought into this here existence
When has the mind ever had the persistance
Or the ***** to say something as perverted,
As : "that is not perfect, it's not in control,
Of it's own fate or soul, there is too much flow
It's allowing itself to go with, it must be tormented "

For existence was always meant to be accepted
As a jellyfish accepted the tide or a leaf in the wind accepting a ride
Life never happened by action, it just was allowed
To come into being by the one who is proud
To exist as he is, silent or loud
Or however it felt called up on the mount
Of his body or shape, incarnation or being
Regardless of pain, imperfection or grieving

Things such as healing or letting go of control
Were never intended to torment the soul
Into changing what happened or what it desires
What it feels that should be or the band and the choires
It hears, but instead, it was meant to accept
What exists as it is in the now, it's direct
And it's grounding and kind and just this moment
Can bring an end to the winter that stood
In your door and your house when you said that life should
Be different somehow in the way that it goes
But you cannot decide nor the waves nor the flows
Of the ocean, the wind or the boat you are rowing
But just the direction you decide it's worth going


So if you ever have wished for a different ending,
Know that it's here, and it starts with accepting
That life is not made for the ways of expecting
But for trust and for faith in this neverending
Journey of life and this always changing
Existence you are, it's about surrendering

To who you are and the present you're living
And about the love you're allowing and giving
Yourself when you start being here and receiving
All that's been waiting for you to start feeling
Worthy of living.

_M.