There's nothing like it.

Bowing my head;
the tears sliding
over my cheeks,
dripping down
into my lap.

I let my chest fill up.
I let my eyes fill up.
I let my head fill up.

Memories.
Torments.
Loneliness.
These things
take me over,
flooding my mind
with the mistakes
I've made;
the awful person
I've become.
Cheater
Liar
Deceiver.

I beat myself,
daily,
for the things I've done
for the things I do.
I cannot stop,
I am driven
to fail
those I love most.

I'm so good,
I can lie
to anyone;
pulling the wool over their eyes,
belief built on
faith, trust and denial.
I am this
heartless creature,
selfish to the core.

The lies I tell,
no one questions,
not even
me.

I remember when I was lost in depression and self-loathing,
how alone I felt.

Even when I was surrounded by people, who I loved and loved me, I felt disconnected and numb.

This poem is a small message to all of you who felt and feel this way that you are not alone.

No suggestions or advice.  Often the friends and strangers that helped me the most when I was really lost in myself were the ones who drew near and were just with me.

A silent loving presence means a lot when you feel numb to life.  A simple tender touch might not break through the walls of depression in the moment, but I remember those warm touches in hind sight.  

Loving presence were subtle lamp posts that guided me out of the darkness of depression, resentments, self-pity, and hate.

All I have are these words as totems of a loving presence given to me by others that reminded me that I am not alone.  A gentle touch, a silent smile, or just hearing the breath of a loved one sitting quietly next to you.

I think I felt my spine break
As I clutched my heart
As if an irregular beat
Had tied nooses round my arteries
And cracked my bones apart

I choked on my gasps
I whimpered into my sheets
I bled through my sleeve
Until I passed out

It’s just another dream

Should have known better than to hope
On hollow words
Sent to and from two dead birds

I can’t believe I ******* thought
You were an end
And I was a means worth living for

How ******* naive of me?
How ******* naive

I thought you were dead.
I wish I was dead.

You claim it is to save me.
You say I am worth the fight.
And yet, all I ever dream of
is a dark and silent night.