we ditched the main path and ran up the mountain bike trail,
gained some elevation,
we found the rusted remains of a car wreck off the side of the trail
that must have been sixty years old.
afterwards we shared nachos and modelo especial,
that was nice.
my body was wrapped in the warm pink blanket
rocking on the wicker chair as you
paced back and forth on the front of the porch and I
couldn’t hear the devil speaking from between your lips because my eyes were softly shut,
my being a blind cloud floating
softly in the nighttime cigarette smoke,
the part of me you were trying to hurt was the insides floated out,
just a cloud watching the clear night sky
and the cupid's arrows and the knives hurling
back and forth back and forth blew right through me,
because I was somewhere else.
but babe you are so sharp!
so I came back together to run inside and grab my pocket knife,
I sat down on the steps by the side of the porch where you couldn’t see me but you could
and sliced a dramatic **** on my right thigh
13 cm length 5 mm width
the blood flowed fantastically, unexpectedly fast dark and shocking, trickling down my leg
just like when you come inside me and I stand up.
I did it for the devil, and so you’d pause the devilry and take care of me
which you know how I like and which you did,
taking the blade from my hand putting an arm around me
examining and cleaning the wound
the blood staining your jeans
pooling wasted on the concrete.
later in the night I chucked the knife into the grass far away
where it remained neglected till the morning
when I came to collect it.
you fall asleep so fast in my bed baby, even when
the night’s been so bad, even when the
moon’s out full and the clouds blown all away
the devil floating softly ubiquitous.
you start to sweat softly and small twitches play across you
from the nightmares playing ubiquitous in your conscious unconscious
I watch you sleep and watch the sweat collect in droplets on your skin
thinking you look like a wet angel hoping you’ll never wake up
I wonder, do abusers learn from their abusers how to hurt?
the way you love baby the way you love it feels
a lot like hurt

The truth is, I'm just another mutant kid. Fused at the wrists and hips, these scars will tell you how I've lived.

I've seen the Son's face, if it wasn't for His grace, I don't know how I would have survived this place.

Your songs reminded me that I don't always have to be strong, that my tears weren't always wrong. My Savior offers me haven from the demons that plague this place.

My home is dark and cold, but He set fire to my bones. He set my soul ablaze and I made haste to escape this dreadful place.

I've thrown away all my ammunition, put aside all my false traditions. I've canceled all my plans, I've proven the enemy as a scam.

And now instead of taking it out on my wrist, I've turned my gun to a fist.

Hot, blistering weather;
People ask me how I'm so comfortable with it.
How there's not a single drop of sweat on me.

I thought of it as odd at first;
But I came to the realization
That my body has completely disregarded
The hellish climate because
the real burn was happening in me.

Blood boils
as I think about how I was pathetically treated.
How I was entirely misunderstood,
unappreciated.

Swollen knuckles start to show,
They ask me about them,
But even I don't know what I hit.
Was it the lamp post?
Or was it the wall?
I can't remember.

Red lines
appear on my forearm,
They ask again,
And I still can't seem to recall
how such beauty has been painted
on my skin.
Was I the artist?
I can't remember.

I can't stand their interrogations
anymore.

I stop thinking for a minute.

I break a sweat.

They think I'm okay now.


(c.j.p.)

My hand hovering above him, I hesitate.
There is a glint in his eye. 
Slowly I pick him up, just feel the weight.
We always meet when I feel hopeless, he promises so much, absolution, complete freedom and yet, I cannot seem to fully accept. I refuse him; deny.

 He somewhat quells my despair.
Roaming up and down my skin.
Tending to me when I can't let anyone else in.
Arms, legs, chest stomach, especially a thigh.
To me, he feels at home there.
 Never does he question; ask why.
He's always ready; on standby.

Please don't make that cut
Please don't pull that trigger
Step away from that ledge
Because life is so much bigger
Than the current pain you're going through
There's so much pain inside of you
And yet, there's so much love
And this love, it flows directly
From the power that's above
The formless, shapeless oneness
That can fill your soul with peace
The only thing that matters
Is that you're willing to receive
You're so desperate for God
It seems he's never getting through
But God is in the universe
And the universe is in you
So when you find yourself
You'll know exactly what to do

the troll beneath my bed has been in hibernation,
every night, the heavy breathing assures me.

God forbid it ever awakens,
it wreaked havoc on my chest for months.

without warning, its claws would reach into my eyes,
slash down my throat, and tear apart my rib cage.

over

and over

and over

and over again

teeth marks of blush pink scar my thin wrist,
forever a reminder.

for months, I felt the weight of this troll's body,
pinning me to my soft blue foam mattress.

at one point, the fairy of my body finally released her power,
she casted a sleeping curse, for it can't be killed.

its been stagnant for a while,
allowing me to dance as loud as I please!

lately, though

the breathing has been less heavy,
I hear it wake up sometimes, but just for an instant.

the spell is wearing off

soon, I will find more teeth marks on my wrist

The freezing
Burning
On my wrist
My hand goes numb
My heart beats fast

This isn't what I want
But I guess I can settle