how many paces have I taken towards
and past and beyond and further from
that beautiful, domed building
not even thinking that one day
I will look at it for the last time
wondering when there will be a next

No one calls me smart
They all check my grades
Mockery of the success
Shameful of the less
Trophy for being a disappointment
I try my hardest
Just for the attention
The approval
Is what keeps me going
I want an A
But I’m labeled with a B, C, D, or F
The attention is all wrong
The ridicule
Not reward
Nothing feels retained
I want a place to post
To show I’m more
To feel seen and liked
To see mean and nice
To share what I do with a brush
What I can do with facepaint
See others
Share songs
But it's about **** time
That they see it isn't
The showing to others
That ensured my demise
The help they would give me
The eyes and the ears
To feel seen and heard
The spotlight again
It will shine on my face
As if everyone cared
As if I wasn't so scared
And I would feel cured
But the labels I gain
Seem to be retained
Without a constraint
Of worry and pain

A mute wave, an airy kiss, an empty hug
A silent vow made few inches apart
The beginning of yet another first day to school

Sometimes the silence
Is louder than fireworks
So I put my headphones on
To block the cacophony of ostracism.

Sometimes the crowd
Is lonelier than solitude
So I withdraw from society
To enjoy the company of seclusion.

Let me go back to school,
Oh please,
Let me go back.
The halls felt so hollow
As we went from class to class
Let me go back
to lectures and tests
instead of “I don’t know”s
and “haven’t been told”s
and “we’ll figure it out as it goes”
Let me go back
to my day to day schedule
my hour to hour maps
to knowing what comes next
Let me go back
to friends and fun and teenage things
to not fearing face to face meetings
the constant talk of death
Let me go back
Let me relax
Instead of watching case numbers and
Death Tolls
notifying my phone three times a day
Let me think of anything else
Oh Please,
Let me go back.

Cause that's most people care about these days
Just to get yourself an A

Cause if school says that you are great
Maybe something in your life could change

Life is not about an A
It is something far more greater
That just meaningless accomplishments
Marked upon some written pages

Wanna have a job someday
Wanna live the life you want
Start to learn the stuff you like
Out of pleasure and for fun
Not to hear a guy one day
" Good job, you got an A "

I was always a little
                                          D
              ­                                 E
                                                   L
                                                        I
     ­                                                       C
        ­                                                         A
                                                               ­       T
                                                        ­                   E
And have always been  a f r a i d
Of  f a l l i n g  a p a r t
Until I met you

Then I wasn't so scared anymore
That was before
I messed up
You had filled my cup
But now it only has a sip left
There was a theft
I gave you my heart
Now I'm left with only part
But that's okay -

Hey,
I can be patient until things calm down
I might frown
But that's just because I miss you
And I'm wondering if you miss me too

Wrote you a letter
Gonna send it once things get better
But for now
I wonder how
Everything went so wrong
But I'll just work on making things right
As my hope takes flight
That maybe one day
You'll be able (and want) to come back and say
You want me back

For now, Love,
I'm waiting for you
And I will do
Whatever it takes
To be okay
While you are away
And to be myself
Instead of letting it sit on a shelf

Love is fragile
It takes a while
To be steady
And it cracks
But gets patched up
We would lie on our backs
Talk about when we are grown up
Now you've got to go focus
I think I'll grow some crocus
Flowers to admire
I'll sit by the fire
To warm my half-a-heart
While we are apart

Darling, I will wait
This is fate
Right?
For now, there's no one to hold me tight
Memories of your arms around me
All of our memories - they won't leave me be
Because I'm so in love with you
And I really hope you still are too

I'll be here
My dear
Waiting for you
Do what you need to do
Then I hope you'll come find me
And we can be
Just you and me
Once again

- Jay M
March 5th, 2020