the therapists think he doesn't remember,
they think that it is a faded memory and that
derek doesn't know what he did

but he does
he does remember, he remembers holding her in his
arms, he remember intertwining her blood covered pale
hand with his own, he remembers looking down at her
and crying and wondering what did he do?
how could he do this?
he remembers screaming in agony as he heard her last
words, "i loved you so much"
he remembers wanting to stop his own
heart from beating and he would've, he would've he swore
to god that he would and he grabbed the knife and
he was so close, so close, so close to being
dead just like his love but then she came
she stopped him, just like she always stops him, he doesn't
want to be stopped this time though
but he is and she holds him to
her chest and she whispers sweet nothings as he cries
he hated her, he hated her so much this was all her fault
all of it was her fault; she was the one who told him to do it
she was the one who gave him the knife and said it
was either her or his love and he couldn't leave carmen;
carmen was always there for him and she always loved
him when everyone else didn't so he took the knife
and he killed the one girl who understood him, the one person
who he could've gladly spent the rest of his life

the therapists all think that derek doesn't remember,
but he does, he remembers it all; he remembers being
dragged to the hospital and forced into an asylum,
he remembers the word 'schizophrenia' being repeated
over and over again to his parents and he remembers
thinking that he was insane and that's why he had to leave home
he knows he isn't crazy though, he can't be because if he were
then carmen wouldn't love him and she does, she tells
him that she does everyday and she makes sure to say it
in present tense because she knows how he feels
about the word loved

(h.l.)