After all this time
I still reminisce
About all the times we shared

But if I could go back
To that campus in that town
I'd do it all again, no questions asked

Minus this and that
I'd still lay under the stars
Or sit on the fountain ledge

I'd still hide in the bushes
I'd still read beneath the trees
Even still be the third wheel

One thing though
I might take back
All the hurtful words I spoke

Another would be
The shyness
I let hold me back

I'd be more vocal, outspoken
But since time has passed
I'm stuck living in today

I'm watching you all walk by
Without even saying hi
Because you do not know my name

I sit here listening to music I never thought I would lend an ear to… Or flinch at.I realize that there are so many unpredictable factors in this world that are impossible to see down this infinitely long road we call our journey, like it has a clean and clear final destination. It shows me how unpredictable this all is. How many signs you miss not because you could not see, but how could you? They come and go just as fast as your heart beats. There is nothing you can do about that except to hold on, crawl if you must, to the air that surrounds you, to the dirt that is crumbling under your toes, to the water that rushes by. Hold on to it. Feel it. Learn it’s way. Follow it.

And then I listen to music I will forever love and it reminds me of where I have been. It brings back waves of emotion, of memory preserved by the very feelings this song gives me. It is accurate not because I remember, it is accurate because I feel.
So I have had more feelings in my life than I have memories.
I move along like a blind man, through life. Now is just a thought. Here is very real yet very deceiving. It makes me wonder if life is simply an illusion, a masquerade of memories to confuse your feelings, just long enough to convince you that you have a clue of who you, when you are, what you are, where you are, why you are.
Here. You are.
Where that is I will never know… Perhaps I will only feel.

She saw..
The greed for peace, unsated forever,
The need for love, unabated however,
Emptying vast emptiness,
She saw in me..

I write, you paint, they sing,
She..
She cried,
Sat there, with me in her eyes,
She cries..

She told..
Tol' me of the hollow hollows,
She had to tell..
A piece of my heart,
She had to take..
To make it right,
she took the left..
Kissed my fingertips,
she cried and left;
Left a hole in me, where her tears fell..

She left.. and..
The Greed for Peace, abated forever,
The Need for Love, unsated.. still... however..

The year began with promises
Spilled over from the year that past.
Celebrating a passing checkpoint;
Ignorant of the bridge's collapse.
Too late to change and too late to stop
I dove in and I dove fast.
It was stupid to think that
Something like that would really last.

Left beaten and defeated
I tried to continue.
I tried to push but couldn't do.
I dragged on with a spirit diminished.
Thinking back that, had I looked,
Had I looked I could've finished.
And things would be different
I'd be the better instead of the finished.

The rest of the year was no better.
I hung my head low, not exactly in shame
To try and find peace with what had remained.
And retreated to my own mind
To collect what'd been left behind.
While maintaining a facade
Of the one who's unshaken;
Always joking about ****, ****, and baby makin'.

We all have our lows,
And we all have our highs,
And memories we cherish,
And those we despise.
But despite what has happened,
In the year of 2014,
I grew from my struggles.
Even if I struggled to know what that means.

I will always find thrill
In remembering when your
Lips are on mine and
Our bodies intertwined

I will always find warmth
In remembering your
Touch that gives me
So much comfort and
Your arms which are my home

I will always find shivers
In remembering you
Holding my hand and how
Your thumb draws endless
Circles on my skin

And I will always find longing
In remembering those moments
With you

That day I sat
naked and
                   alone
water collapsing upon my spine
acidic or compelling?
cradling what I thought was my hands
within themselves
and waiting for daylight to break me.
I was already broken

decrepit in fact.
caressing substance as supplement
the figurines of moving reality
plaguing consciousness
As     drips
                         drops
        fell
                     struck
My initiative was no longer to cleanse
or ease
but to forget,
God oblidge me
          please
ghosts of armies amidst armistices
raging with questioning calamity
every minute
every        second

It was easy
to hear and see it
placid           to act
as if gum on a shoe
was used and trashed
but stuck somewhere new
               disgusting

Meanwhile
this water
troublesome with cleanliness
corrodes my cadaver
(Cadaver, because it seems that way)
Blood runs with it
and overtakes the pigment
like color from the sponges
I’d used for the color the needle left
instead of creating

life in color
death in color
feeling in color
There were none

unnamed and buried
internal pieces of me
              Extracted
with simplicity
by mouth
and flushed
to not exist
               ever
to anyone
but deep in the realm, of conscience
hidden
and    drowning

back in the day
- which wasn't a tuesday, by the way -
but my glory days when i was supposedly on the right track
                                                           ­                 bursting with talent
                                                          ­                  full of potential
                               i was crazy
to think i could have gone somewhere on words alone
despite the incredible power they hold

It's 4:01 in the morning, and i'm counting the minutes.
Reminiscing the day you kissed me like I'm yours.
And I'm here,
Laying on my bed.
Wondering if i'm in your dreams.
Hoping you'll save me to this
Nostalgic feeling.
Hoping you'll love me someday,
And repeat that kiss one day.