you feel the tightening of your chest and the knots in your stomach, the lump in your throat getting bigger. all of a sudden you're drowning, but everyone around you is breathing. the crushing sensation settles over your chest and your vision is blurred . your ears are buzzing, not picking up on what anyone is saying. you can no longer breathe, but the pain gets stronger. you know that any minute you'll be blinded by how much your chest hurts. but then suddenly you see the one who saves you, but there's a twist to it. a sharp blade replaces who was meant to save you, the ocean you're drowning in is replaced by your mind, and so as you drag the blade over your skin over and over and over and over again until the only thing you can see is thick red blood, you can breathe again. the sun shines and colors seem brighter. you look down at your blood stained clothes but at this point the wave of regret gets smaller and smaller with every drop. you're too far gone to be saved, but you somehow feel alive.

You hurt me the way I want to hurt him,
You should know I never wanted to be this way,
Turned bitter after three years of resentment and shame,
High School always starts and ends the same,
Whisper down the lane, and strip me of my name,
On the bright side,
I won't have to find places in the hallways to hide,
because this final year will be the year I don't have your schedule memorized.

alone,
alone,
always alone,
this emptiness, it knows me;
"hey, welcome home!"

the doormat is missing,
the windows are cracked,
the sadness, it knows me;
"glad you have to back!"

the bedroom is empty,
but for a pillow and a cot,
these sorrows, they know me;
"we've missed you a lot!"

all the paintings are crooked,
the house is a mess,
it's a hell hole, no doubt,
but it's what I know best.

its a good thing that i don't write too many happy writes
because sadness and heartache come back post respite
as your heart is led to pretend to heal
it hits back as it goes for the ****
but i'm tougher now and sure as hell stronger
uncompromising, i will not let the pain linger any longer
take it on the chin, not your kiss or your face
instead the follow through from the heartfelt strike of a mace

depression is
lying on the bathroom floor
crying at three am
listening to sad music
cutting open veins
calling a friend with no answer
mending wounds

recovery is
therapy rooms
doctors offices
pill boxes
pharmacies
angry parents
losing friends
finding yourself

relapse is
not an option.

I don't miss you
I repeat over and over to myself as my hands are trembling behind my wet blurry eyes
He was boring
I tell them as I iron my face to show indifference
I pop these pills hoping I can at least dream you here
I don't rely on you
I don't know when you're coming back
I don't think you're ever coming back.
I ask myself why I stay wrapped around you suffocating you blue untl you see stars and my eyes become the moon
I don't.........
       I don't know.

Tick tock
        Tick tock
                 Tick tock

It's already 5am
And here I am
Wide awake

As thoughts run
Through my head
Like a bullet train

Am I relapsing again?
Or I'm just on the edge
Waiting for a helping hand?

Or maybe I'm letting it be
For I've missed
Insanity to seep inside of me

Seeing that I am able to write
Shows clearly that
Hypomania has arrived.

Welcome back,
                 My frenemy.

I have a hard time
letting go of your past
even knowing that I’m not
responsible for your kind
I still can’t get that statement to unwind
when you told me,
“it was because I didn’t have you.”
I should have been through
that time with you.
you’ve taken our faith,
you let it go to waste.
just so you could act like a person
but you were just thirsty
for that thing crystal.