You need minds like me
I've bent over backwards to sculpt a vision of a human being
Some 3D model of a stained glass church window
I see that you've turned me into numbers
How thick and how tall?
How much time did I spend in the library?
But you missed the golden numbers
The ratio of the bones in my fingers which I have so carefully crafted for you
You overlooked the seventy hour work weeks (I was a first responder at a climbing site)
And I'm sure you failed to notice the pictures of my therapy dog on the website I built for you
I keep asking myself what went wrong
What about this wasn't good enough?
You.

Delivered, not read:
my best words left unsaid.
I chose them just for you
hand-picked them,
turned each one over
to inspect with a secret smile
as I thought of you
inspecting them too.
Was such a fine letter
ever written for you?

I threw caution to the wind
when I dropped my words
in your letter box
and waited patiently
for them to find you.

Then you
with your casual apathy
and your cool disregard
dropped steele-blue eyes
on the unopened envelope
and did not break the seal
or think of it twice.

To this day
it must still be on your coffee table
a piece of rubble
beneath piles of junk mail
a scrap paper
upon which you scribble notes
beneath the ashtray
that collects your used butts.

You never did care
for sentimental things
and I never knew
I was one of them.

I'm isolated in my house
Circled by friends
Is what I thought they were.

I'm tired.
I'll lie on the pillow
That guy sewed for me.

I'm dreamy.
Romanticism is *******
I need someone in bed with me

To just talk
About what I think
Friends talk about.

I'm accepting
Of a fate of
Labelled by a face and

An idea of perfection.

He sneaks
Through the small opening
Of a window.

He tries
To get into bed.

He fails,
Apprehensive to join
The masses.

He walks to the door
Looks back,
Sees me.

And we settle to watch anime.

After I made my declaration of infatuation              
You sent me to damnation
A place that eats at you with the isolation
I begged my friends for some kind of salvation
But they couldn't help me until I let go of my negation                                  
Still I didn't let go because I loved the sensation
You filled me with some kind of sedation
And I couldn’t resist the temptation

You’re just so beautiful
You’re perfect
And you mean the world to me

You’re worth every amount of my adoration
And I still think you deserve more admiration
You filled me inspiration
And being with you became my aspiration
And so I declared my infatuation
But due to some kind of complication
A mix up in the constellations
Our cells had some kind of mutation
And now it led me to my ultimate devastation:
Our complete separation

And it turned out, that to you,

I was nothing more than an agitation
We were no longer able to hold a conversation
Because your every sentence became an exclamation
And I couldn’t see the problem, I needed an explanation
I need to know why you think I’m some kind of abomination
Because now you treat me with immense brutalization
And believe me it’s no different than decapitation

And god it hurt so bad, so very bad
But I survived

My heart managed to live through its annihilation
And even after that, I hold you in glorification
They think I'm a fool, but I get over the humiliation
And sometimes I have all these hallucinations
Where I think I’m holding your hand and can feel your blood’s circulation
But then I realize it’s just an aberration
And I constantly find myself in frustration
Because you were my only source of motivation
I only woke up in morning to relieve myself of deprivation
And you wouldn’t understand my appreciation
For the happiness you gave me at our unification

All because I loved you
And maybe too much
I just wish I could go back in time
And make things right

Through some kind of alteration
Prevent you from having any kind of misinterpretation
Save myself from the isolation
The sleepless nights and exasperation
Taking helpless actions out of desperation

And every time I came to your perfection
You slapped my face with rejection

It’s like you never put any thought into our combination
I can relieve of your desolation
You’d never have to face your heart’s obliteration

I'd never stop loving you
You’d always have my full attention
You’ll never face rejection
And you’d never see your own imperfections

And all you’d have to do
Is come to this abominable creation,
And accept his declaration of infatuation

You are the reason can't you see?
I am begging you please stop crushing me
I am so tired of this
I can't remember the last time I woke up feeling ready for the day
I must let you go
you don't even want to stay

This is unhealthy and I know it so why am I always coming back?
I thought I was stronger than this but I guess I was wrong I am just a hopeless wreck

I think I fell for the idea of you and I find it hard to believe that the things I thought about you were just a beautiful lie, my deepest wishes projecting onto you
Now all that's left for me is to cry

Most times I don't introduce you to the me I'd like you to meet.
Although it's anonymously unintended.
I've revealed the second chance of myself being hurt spiritually.
The experience of life.
All the people who offer beautiful smiles.
The recovering of a familiar face.
The hello of an imperfect flame.
Extinguished by the goodbye of loss.
The smoke left forever to roam.
Never to find it's place.
It becomes habit,
To keep distance.
Constantly moving.
Too scared to let someone new in.
Soon as someone new approaches,
The flame is extinguished & regret sets in.
I close myself off and smother everything around.
Wholeheartedly.
Soon as you get close that's why I pack everything up & run.
As much as you love my scent I am afraid that you'll use me until there is nothing left.
That you'll blow out the spark to everything that I feel is real.
Memories can be beautiful,
And it is for that reason that I cannot allow you to get close.
This fear the only comfort I feel is real

I get trapped
By ropes braided with scales
And hiss it whispers
"Love"

Like the venom it bites me with
Makes me hallucinate.

Now I'm with you in a room
I'm not sure if I'm the interrogator
When I ask these questions.
You say it depends on the confidence you carry
I say my confidence vanished with your "no".
You say fine then the interrogation is over.

Fleeting are feelings of euphoria
Come in a fleet of reality.
Fire the pessimism
Oh! We got a hit!
Now he feels uncertainty
Insecurity
Trapped

In a room with you and I enjoy it
Five minutes is all I need to feel euphoria
Come in with a fleet of reality
Fire the pessimism
Oh!  It hurts even more now,

I'm in a room with you and I enjoy it.