I always push people away
And wanted them back after
I always played cupid to the one I love
Cause I'm afraid he wont accept me
I always feel rejected
Or it was just me?
I'm afraid I'll ended up alone
Cause no one will accept the real me

The kid in the background
The one who doesn’t smile
Who goes mostly unnoticed
And has for quite awhile.
The kid in the background
Who stands there all alone.
Is the child an orphan
The baby nobody owns?

The one who is forgotten
When family gathers.
Is this the only child
With no father or mother?
And what of the brothers
And sisters to this kid.
Why do they ignore him?
Is it something that he did?

The kid in the background
The last one to get picked
In a neighborhood game.
Is it some king of mean trick?
Are his glasses the problem
Or some condition of skin?
What can be the excuse
For the sad state he is in?

The kid plays by himself
It seems he has to pretend
That he is having fun alone
And that he has a friend.
Are these children like birds
That pick on an injured creature?
Where are the parents here,
The adults, the teachers?

The kid in the background
Might be the brightest one
But how will we ever know
If he shines brighter in the sun
Unless we ask the questions
Of what brings this all about
That children on the playground
Want to leave this kid out?

when I told you
how much it hurt
when you said you couldn't be with me
you said
you couldn't understand
thats when I knew
it wasn't that you couldn't be with me
handle my baggage
or anything else
it was more simple than that
you just didn't love me.

I put my trust in an already
broken vase and
handed it to you.
I said, "If this cracks
even a little bit,
my trust will ooze out
and the shard that splits
is a piece of my heart
that ran away again."
It's taken me so long
to find that piece
and convince it to
fit back where it was supposed to.
But it always struggle to accept.
This is where I urge you
to not drop me.

Before I was born,
My mother wanted to name her child Kaitlyn
As the firstborn,
That should have been me

Kaitlyn was my mother's favorite name
But as soon as I was born
She looked at me
I just took one look
And realized,
I could never be her Kaitlyn

Three years later  she tried again
Now her Kaitlyn was born
A beautiful,
Happy,
Innocent little girl.

My mother calls me
"The trouble child"
I cause trouble
I am not good enough
I am not her Kaitlyn

Now I am named Nicole
My mother wanted her child to be Kaitlyn
She loved the name Kaitlyn
Was I not good enough?
Why was I not her Kaitlyn?

Though I face the yelling loud,
I'd like to make my daddy proud.
A's, B's, and one C,
Never will it be a victory.
No I can't be like my big sis,
Tests 99%, only one miss.
I try so hard,
With a good report card.
Still can't give you a smile.

Even when I twirl,
I'm not daddy's little girl.
I stand on my toes,
To be right under your nose.
You look past me,
And yet I'm still not free.
I'm doing pliés at the barré,
While you're at the bar.
Why can't I make you proud?

Oh how I wish I was your son,
So I wouldn't want to be undone.
We'd play catch and drink a beer,
Then I wouldn't have this fear.
Of disappointing you again,
Feeling all that pain.
I can't keep doing this to myself.

Instead you shut me out,
I have many reasons to pout.
I haven't seen you in a year,
I shed a tear.
I miss you,
Even if you don't miss me too.
It's time to find someone who loves me.

I'd rather be alone forever
than wasting my life
comparing people
to you

I play with fire
And I dance with Death
A twirl and a spin and a blade swings recklessly.

"Do you not care about others ", they ask consecutively.
"Do you think before you act", they ask disrespectfully.

My own reality an asylum
My mind makes liberal
My words can change you or me

"Your words are absent " , they'll disagree
"You make no sense", they'll only see

To much to handle like a crushing bridge
Bounds break like broken ribs
Without either things cease to exist
I walked upon a borderline path
I can't decipher , am I  a Psychopath

I fumble around in this caliginous den
There's a light up there
If I just climb up this wall
I'll be free
My finger nails are bleeding
I leave scratch marks on the walls
My whole body is aching
As I'm trying my best
To get out of this hole
I'm getting closer
I can feel the air getting thinner
It's easier to breathe
I'm reaching for the edge
Almost there
Suddenly
The two of you appear
You're smiling
She's smiling
I feel the sole of your shoe
As you're kicking me in the face
And I fall
Down
Instantly
I hit the ground
The light burns out
The darkness surrounds me
I am trapped
In this den
And I can't find the strength to climb up these walls again