Everybody Lies.
What's worse than lying to all?

Lying to yourself.

Over and over again.

one day he'll come
and knock on your door
he'll take you away
now you don't have to
wonder like you did before
'cause it's your last day

you won't see it coming
there will be no warning
he will just take you away
you don't get to say "bye"
or "I love you" one last time
no he'll just take you away

you're still here today
but you could be gone tomorrow
he will just take you
when and where, he won't say
where and when, you won't know
no matter what you do

he'll come and get you
faster than the speed of light
he will take you away
you will have no clue
you won't even get to fight
he'll just take you away

you'll never be ready
you won't see him with your eyes
you'll never be ready
he will take you by surprise

Weight lifted,
Darkness fading into light.
Felt in my fingertips,
And my mind.
Brightened eyes,
Looking for a smile.
The scars are fading into
Thin lines,
Barely noticed by a passer by.
No more tear-streaked cheeks,
Salt droplets replaced with rosy tints.
Sleeves rolled up,
Nothing to be ashamed of.

though equipped with
an open heart and
pursuing mind
we still struggle to find the time
before we knew that
these striking hues
only made us blind.
to when white teeth glistened
through genuine grins
and whole, hearty chuckles
instead of only imprinting lines.

i can feel the change
surging through my bones.
a sharp, electric current
igniting and destroying
sour cells and lies
(apathy is not strength).
igniting and creating
new creeds and new bones
that can withstand the occasional
jolts and grits.

though a remedial renewal
of soul came through,
seeing the change and
being the change
will not come quite as easy.

11/24/2013*

I am not
a girl

and I am not
a boy

I am a
storm,
a hurricane,
a tornado,
an earthquake

and
under my skin,
there is a
universe

with millions of
stars,
and planets,
and emotions,
and chemicals,
and scars

I am not
a girl

and I am not
a boy

there is a
windstorm
in my heart,
and in my head,
and in my bones,
and in my blood

and there are
galaxies
throughout my cells,
and throughout my skin

I am not
a girl

and I am not
a boy

I am far more
than that

© 2013 Scarlet Van Allen

It had always been yours
You just never wanted it

I still love the rain. (Just as I still know I loved you.)

I bet you don't know
How I waited for you
To come home,
Scared I'd never see you again.

I bet it never occurred
To you that I was frightened
Of how quickly
Your eyes would turn black.

I bet you don't understand
Why I had to go to bed
After I heard everyone
Come home and the front door lock.

I bet you didn't hear
Me wake up hours earlier
Than everyone else
So I could make sure everyone was still there.

I bet you don't know
What is was like
For me growing up
As your daughter.

I bet you don't know
What it is like
For me as an adult
Without a mother.

Every time you walked out
Because you were angry
At my dad or me or my sisters
I sat by the front window.

Every time I saw your eyes
Go from greenish blue
To cloudy black
I steeled myself for the beating.

Every time I went to bed
I prayed to God
That if He was good
My family would come home safe.

Every time I woke up
I went from bed to bed
Checking that my family
Was still there and alive.

Growing up I was
Proud and honored
When people would say
"You're HER daughter!"

As an adult now
I avoid any talk of you,
Association with you,
Knowledge of you.

It was good,  
For the most part
"Basically good,"
Having you for a mother.

Even though missing you
Hurts my heart every day,
I have to say resoundingly,
"Not being abused feels better."