THE TITLE OF THIS POEM IS AT THE END.

I feel a fever coming on
Intense heat from my forehead
I'm sweating even though
it's 20 degrees outside
My hands are clammy
My skin is pricked
by a million needles
I want to throw up
I can barely stand
My stomach hurts,
and I feel cold and hot
I'm shaking, trembling
all over.
I can barely move
my lips to speak.
I'm dizzy.
Every bone in my body
aches with the pain
of a million paper cuts.
My heart beats irregularly
slow, fast, slow, fast
I think I might faint.


I went to the doctor.

Turns out,
there's no medicine
for lovesickness.

My love is more pure than a diamond,
even with a heart of dark, black coal.
Lately I've been expanding my mind and,
getting high on draining my soul.
I skip notes like a broken record,
and thus conversation is never relayed.
I make choices with how it will affect her,
we both know that's how the game is played.

But I know that I have the potential to destroy a life,
and that's why I decorate in caution tape.
Yes I know it reflects shining misery and strife,
but I've been strapped in so long; I can't escape.

I've got high hopes and low odds,
hearing only demons who act as gods.
I've got low morale but skin of steel,
even when I watch it bleed and peel.

My love is more pure than the deepest of seas,
even with affection that's coarse like sand.
Lately I've been biting and silencing my pleas,
and digging my nails straight into my hand.
I sink ships like a waiting ice field,
stopping it dead right in it's path,
and not even the greatest mirror shield,
could ever withstand my full wrath.

'Cause I know that I have the ability to stick around,
so I try to make sure that I am never really there.
My soul fears the day when it is chained and bound,
but the opportunities seem so very rare.

I've got high hopes and low odds,
rambling this nonsense with the nods.
I've got low morale but skin of steel,
it deflects the good and bad that I should feel.

I wanted
someone
that wouldn't
be afraid

of me.

I spent
twenty-one
years
doubting
that person
could ever
exist.

For humans
are far too shallow
and our
complications
are

way too deep

but I honestly believe
we should not have to
be alone.

I believe in independence.
I believe in self-reliance
and I believe in self-respect.

But I also believe that
humans can connect
on a far deeper level
than just what we see.

I believe there is a time
and place
for everything
and that includes
the moments

we fall in love.

You see,
there will be days
that you fill
empty
and lonely
but you have
to be there for yourself.

No one is going to give you
a handout
unless you show them
you are going to
make it count.

No one is going to
rely on someone
that cannot
rely on them self.

Co dependence can be
beautiful
but nevertheless-
it is filled with
even more grief.

You cannot fix somebody else
when you are still
practicing
the craft
of self-love.

Allow your lows
to be reminders
that you
can lose
and smile
knowing
that you can
bounce back,
too.

There is nothing
graceful
in struggling
but there is
something
glorious
in the

overcoming

and believe me-
you will find a way
to live through it all.

And then
some day
somebody,
somewhere
is going to
admire
the way
you refuse
to fall.

And you will wonder
how you ever
let the world
make you feel

so small.

-Andrew Durst.

We wake up, opening our eyes
And basking in the sunlight
Or not; burying ourselves out of sight
And the silence replaced with sighs.

And despite a horrible morning,
We end up chanting a mantra hoping
That somehow the day gets better
Or negativity a tad bit lesser.

As we reach school, we face
Numerous formulas and boards
All with problems in hoards
And an anxiety that stays.

And as class ends our eyes meet
And a smile creeps up to my face
And of course, you never missing a beat
About the heat on my cheeks

But I pretend I feel nothing
Because by the end of the day
I pretend we were something-
No, I’m just another idiot today.

The day you told me
You believed in me
Was the day my brain thought
“I guess I’m not that flawed”

Because you were the guy
Who everyone painted as dangerous
And to be friends with you,
I couldn’t get myself to buy.

I gave you what I thought I could give you:
Thoughts, words, promises
And yet I realized now
How stupid I actually am.

I believed in an us:
Something we could’ve been
I believed I was something, somehow significant
And unfortunately I was wrong.

I can’t write poems
Or sing good enough to be acknowledged
Or draw pictures of what we could’ve been
Or have talent, simply because I can't be your type.

I can’t write poems
Because I’m a complete failure
In typing and scribbling out words
To even create something comprehensive.

I can’t write words
To string up to create a poem
Because I can’t even think straight
Because I can’t think of anything.

I can’t write poems-
No, I don’t write poems
Because I can’t tell you-
No, I love you, I love you, I loved you.

And I don't know why
But over and over
I've watched this show

Yet over and over
I never get tired of it

I know the jokes

I know when they're coming

But that doesn't stop me
From loving every minute

And call me crazy
But I almost wish
I could be like that

Acting

Acting like I'm so close
To everyone around

Acting like I always know
Exactly what to say

Acting like the bad
Gets better before the end
Of a thirty minute show

And I really want you
To see that I
Am thinking
About how

If I
Could only

Act
Like them

I could act
Like we were more
Than what we are

And I could act
That when I've had a bad day
I don't need a hug
To tell me it's okay

But I can't promise that to myself

Because I think I can act
I've always wanted to act

I want to be an actress

I want people
To remember my name

I want to be
That actress
That little girls
And even boys
Everywhere
See

And they want to be

Just

Like

Me

But I know
That I can't brush everything aside
To make room for a mirage
That everyone sees
But me

Inside
I know
That's all I am
When I act

A mirage
That I can't see

But there is still
That spark
That burns through the night
That tells me to act
To smile
And laugh
Like everything is peachy

So I wave
I smile
I grin a lot
And beg myself to act

And even though
I want to know
If I can make it or not
I'll never

No never

Let my dream rot
And
I'll never

No never

Act like everything
Is A-okay
Because it's not

Sometimes

And I'm rambling
I just want to tell you
At this hour of night
You were on my mind
And I missed you

So when the couple onscreen
Made up
And kissed
And hugged
And cheered

I just wished that was us

And in my rambling mind
I acted like
It really was us
Because that's how much
I want you
Even more
Than I want
To care for myself

Because I'm secondary
Sedentary
Sidelined
...
Sad

A sad girl
Who looks at a screen
And dreams of tomorrow

Hoping I can be
And we can be
And I won't need
To

Act

Anymore

oh how i wished the sun would stop shining for
just
one
moment
but the darkness never came
every day grew to be the same
like playing a game
of chess, of cards
go fish, but dont swim too far

id start a new religion if i could
insane, unimaginable
people dont pray anymore
i dont know why they should
you dont need a god
to tell you to behave

its a ludicrous lust for love
if you ask me
a meaningless mingling of lost souls
who wish for nothing more
than a star to call their own