I'd like to think that I know you
I'd like to think that our time together meant something
Countless nights spent gazing at the stars
Talking until there was nothing left to talk about
And then talking some more
Just to hear the sound of each other's voices

But when daylight came
And reality forced itself upon us
I had to stop pretending
Stop seeing things that weren't truly there
I had imagined that there was something more between us
A flame rekindled, perhaps
But even after all this time
I still can't tell what's behind those eyes

When you go inside a room that has been empty for a while, you can see the little clouds of dust float and shine as the light touches them. And for a long time you'll watch it drizzle down like an ethereal rain.

Maybe you'll stop moving, or cover your mouth, or maybe you'll stare at it too long it begins to look like stars in the night sky. And you'll wait for it to settle again just so it can come undone in your hands. Jumping around to unsettle it, but it'll never really be the same as the first time you saw it.

That's how you felt to me. I was the unsettled clouds of dust. And you looked at me like you couldn't believe your eyes. But that ethereal light is temporary, and once it washes away and I move away from the light, you'll begin to see me for what I am—nothing but unimportant little clouds of unsettled dust.

You're going to jump around to see me suspended in mid-air, to see me shrouded by light like an ethereal being, to look at me like I'm a starry night sky. But what happens once everything settles down and I'm where I used to be?

You can't jump around forever and I can't stay afloat forever.

i keep wanting to write about you
but the feelings are so complicated
i struggle to find the right words

you are my best friend
you are also more than my best friend
we have this connection
you cannot deny the tension
when we are alone in the room

why do you pretend to ignore it
why do you pretend you like her better
why do you pretend that you're not hurting
why do you pretend that everything will be okay

why do you make me pretend it will all be okay?

you are the reason i learned to pretend

it’s 4 am
and i’m trying to understand how this happened
trying to comprehend the hole u left in me
i feel empty
but so full of pain
i feel
incomplete
like i gave you pieces of me

i let you see me
i let you know me
i let myself trust in this
in you
and in doing that i gave something away
i don’t know exactly what it was but i gave it to you
and now your gone and i don’t know
how to get it back
how to get back what you took from me

i lay here
in the dark early morning
wishing i had a way to let this go
wishing i could pretend again
to say ‘hey! wanna do that one thing?’
and you’d say ‘yea sure!’ and we’d pretend

we can’t pretend anymore

and so what now
and so

i lie here broken

missing a part of myself

missing

you

Blank—
That’s my mind when they talk and laugh,
sharing stories of shallow privilege.
What should I say:
That I don’t feel like a person,
That I don’t know how to brush my teeth and be okay.
They got tattoos of dolphins, with friends over spring break, on their wrists;
I got the words second chance, by myself in a ***** strip mall, over my heart.