I used to talk too much.
Nowadays, I just sit in silence.
I want to tell everyone how I’m feeling—
I want to talk about everything.

But when the time comes,
“nothing comes out of my mouth—
nothing I truly want to talk about.”

So I speak of daily things,
of weather, work, what we ate.
I nod. I listen. I float.
But my soul—
“my soul wants to say something,
But I shut myself down.”

Inside me,
there’s a scream that no one hears.
It claws the walls of my chest,
cries in pain, grief, sadness—
like it’s been caged for years.

There is a trench,
deep and echoing,
carved by time and distance—
“created throughout the years of my life.”

While many grew
in the warmth of their parents’ arms,
“I spent my childhood far from them.”
I learned how to be silent
before I ever learned how to speak.

I feel emotions.
“I just don’t know how to express them.”
And when I try—
when I dare—
“it goes horribly wrong.”

I want to open up.
I want to tell someone.
I want to say:
This is how I feel.
Please understand.
Please stay.

“But when I do, everything goes south.”

So I quieted myself.
I taught my voice to whisper,
then to vanish.
I tried—
“and still try—
to talk less, to stay silent.”

But the silence isn’t peace.
It’s pressure.
It’s weight.
“I failed before,
and I’m still failing.”

Now I don’t know what to do anymo'.
I am deep below my own trench,
and still falling into the deep, dark below.

Will I ever hit the bottom?
The point where there’s no further down—
only up? I know I feel like a clown.

But still,

No more confusion.
No more sadness.
Only hope and happiness, I guess.
Peace of mind.
With all the past behind.

I feel lost. I don't feel like me.
I feel like I’m falling.
I feel empty inside me.

- THE END -

© 2025 June, Hasanur Rahman Shaikh.
All rights reserved.

Now I don’t know what to do anymo'.
I am deep below my own trench,
and still falling into the deep, dark below.

Will I ever hit the bottom?
The point where there’s no further down—
only up? I know I feel like a clown.

But still,

No more confusion.
No more sadness.
Only hope and happiness, I guess.
Peace of mind.
With all the past behind.

I feel lost. I don't feel like me.
I feel like I’m falling.
I feel empty inside me.

- THE END -

© 2025 June, Hasanur Rahman Shaikh.
All rights reserved.

I lay there,
Face pressed into a pillow
Wet with every reason to scream.

“What did I do?”
“What did I do?”
Like a scratched record stuck
On guilt and grief and ******* helplessness.

She said she didn’t want it.
So why did she go through with it?
Why leave me behind
When I was already ruined?

I loved her.
I still do.
I saw us building things—
A life with messy mornings
And laughter so loud it cracked the ceiling.

But she’s married now.
She’s gone.

And I’m still here.
Still breathing.
Still pretending it doesn’t hurt as much as it does.

- THE END -

© 2025 June, Hasanur Rahman Shaikh.
All rights reserved.

She’s married now.
Six months gone,
And I’m still here
Talking to ghosts in my head.

We had plans,
Wild ones—
Run away, burn maps,
Name stars after each other.

And we did it.
We ******* did it.
Left everything behind like smoke trails.

But then she wept.
Worried about her parents—
Would they hurt themselves
If we disappeared for love?

She called her dad.
He cried.
That old man broke her
More than I ever could.

And I knew.
I knew I was losing her
The moment she said,
“Maybe we should go back.”

I took her home.
Even though it was killing me.
Even though everything inside me
Was screaming no.

Then came her wedding.
I begged her not to.
I cried like a boy.
But she didn’t move.

She said nothing.
She got dressed.
She walked into a future
That didn’t have me in it.

- THE END -

© 2025 June, Hasanur Rahman Shaikh.
All rights reserved.

She’s married now.
Six months have passed.
Why did she do this to me?
Things like this happen—
But how and why?

We had plans,
Dreams stitched into whispered nights:
Someday,
We’d run.
We’d escape.
We’d belong to no one but each other.

I remember the day we did it—
Left it all behind.
She cried quietly,
Worried what my parents might do.
What if they hurt themselves in grief?
What if we had made a mistake too big to undo?

She called home.
Her father cried.
“Come back,” he said,
“Where are you?
Tell me where, and I’ll come get you.”

She broke.
I watched it happen.
Maybe she remembered childhood laughs,
The smell of home-cooked food,
The weight of old memories
Tugging her back.

So I took her home.
Even though my chest screamed
Don’t let go.

Then came her wedding.
She told me she didn’t want to do it.
I begged her not to go through with it.
I cried.
I said everything.
I want nothing else but her.

But her mind—
It was elsewhere.
Fixed.
Still.

And so she married.
While I lay in bed,
Tears soaking the pillow,
Wondering:
What did I do
To deserve this?

I loved you.
You married someone else.
All our plans—
Gone.
Most of the happiest days of my life
Were with you.

Reality is cruel.
Fate is cruel.
You were cruel.
And me—
I’m no better.
Maybe I’m just…
Empty.

Not even lonely.
Just hollow.
Void.
Unmoving.
Unreal.

I make promises I won’t keep.
I talk big dreams I won’t chase.
I say I’ll change—
Then stay the same.
Naive.
Pathetic.
Unfocused.
A wanderer with no real will to move.

Sometimes I ask for advice,
But I forget it in an hour.
I live in loops.
Wake up.
Pretend.
Sleep.
Repeat.

I say I want to change,
But what do I even want?
Do I want anything?
Do I even know?
No goals.
Just daydreams.

A fantasy:
A life with no purpose—
Just food,
Peace,
Movement.
Trains, buses, faces I’ll never see again.
New places.
New cultures.
No pressure,
Just air.
Just being.

But how?
Where will I find the foods to eat?
Who will give me a place to stay?
Dreams are just dreams.
Some turn real.
Most don’t.

Then fate shows up,
Smirking.
Punches you hard in the face.
“Wake up, my boy,” it says.
“Some things just aren’t meant to be.”

Like us.

I miss you.
I love you.
I want you.
I don’t want to be without you.

But I am.

And now—
I’m alone.
So alone.
And I don’t even know
If I care anymore.

I don’t worry about family.
About future.
About anything.
I am empty.

"Help me."
"Miss me."
"Love me."
"Tell me, why?"

Why did this happen to me?
I’ve done bad things.
I’ve also done good too.
So what did I do
To deserve this ending?

I don’t know.
I am clueless.
I am lost.

I am empty.
But I still breathe.
And maybe one day—
I’ll begin to fill myself.
Because in the end,
No one else will.

But for now
I am just empty.

- THE END -

© 2025 June, Hasanur Rahman Shaikh.
All rights reserved.

During the chess game,
she made a good move.
I smiled a little,
typed:
"Nice"

Just felt right.
A simple thing.
No reply.
We played on.
It ended—a draw.

Then came her words.
First:
"indian"

I blinked.
Felt the air shift.
Then, second:
"monkey"

I just sat there.
Not hurt yet. Not angry.
Just… stunned.
Like: is this real?
I typed back:
"Why"

I added:
"You broke my heart"

I read it again.
Still stunned.
I didn’t know her.
Didn’t do anything.
We just played.

Then she dropped:
"virginity"

That word.
Out of nowhere.
Then:
"i no interesed"
"bye"

It didn’t sting.
It didn’t burn.
It just confused me.
Like the wind changed direction
and I wasn’t ready.

I wrote:
"Virginity?"
"What are you saying?"

No reply.
Just me,
sitting with a drawn game
and a question
I never saw coming.

Hope this poem reaches you.
To Juana Dayana
Of Colombia—
From HRS,
An Indian soul,
Caught in a drawn game’s pull.

- THE END -

© 2025 June, Hasanur Rahman Shaikh.
All rights reserved.

Life hits different in adulthood,
A storm of thoughts,
Silent whispers in the wind.
The power to be you,
A hidden flame, glowing bright.
The power within you,
An unyielding force, taking flight.
Time with you,
Moments carved from the sands of life.
Time to be you,
Embracing shadows, shedding strife.
Happiness to be you,
A garden blooming in the heart.
Happiness within you,
A quiet dawn, a work of art.

Life--
Sometimes it gets too much,
And that's too much for me.
Sometimes it's not enough,
And that's not enough for me.--