my soul is melting
burning away like a candle wick
crumbling like chalk

i read the words on a page
heart starting to race
"paranoia"

each person is evil
i tell myself
they have motives
that i don't know

the unconscious
leads my brain
driven by the id
about to break.

Guilt, guilt, guilt
As far as I can see

Weight, weight, wait!
Its crashing down on me

Shame upon my name
Rehabilitate with blame

Change, change, strange
Things still stay the same

Oh a girl,
my age too,
she wants to be friends…

But maybe
she’s laughing,
behind some screen,
showing her friends
how stupid I sound,
how quickly
she was able
to deceive.

Or maybe—
she’s not even
a she.
Maybe it’s
a man.
Old.
Watching.
Preying.
behind a mask
of stolen pictures
and sweet words.

Or maybe,
I’m talking
to a ghost
a shadow of what’s
never existed
not here
or there
maybe not anywhere,
a figment of AI’s imagination.

It's perfect,
My life.
Not a single worry to be found.

But when will it all fall apart?
When will I bolt out of bed
And realize it was never real?
This life of smiles
And laughter

It’s too perfect.
And feels too real,
Even as the corners fade to black.

Convinced:
Not awake,
I know I'm dreaming.

But the thing I dread most…
Is waking up.
How much longer do I have before the hourglass is empty?
How much farther can I tread before the road ends?

Not far, it seems.

The alarm screams at 6 am.
The fever dream shatters,
As I grasp at the jagged pieces.
I am dragged through my existence
In this dreary, gray world.
Until I fall back asleep.

Paranoia does it's best work,
When someone disappears,
But you have no clue where it's gone.
No reason or rhyme,
It even seems to slow time,
Ringer on,
Pacing the back lawn.
Disappeared without a trace,
Has something gone wrong?
Have I led to some kind of distaste?
You're going nuts,
Only 40 minutes they've been gone,
Still it blinds your thoughts.
What has happened?
You were just here,
Now you're lost.
Yet for all this grief,
I'll jump at my phones trill,
Just to see,
You fell asleep.

You don't have to believe me when I say
They might just love you anyway

What do I even know
But they may notice if you don't show

I know it really isn't my place
To ask if you checked just in case

Knocked on the door
They slammed into my face

At least
The olive branch is free
Please,
Take it with you when you leave

As I sit, breathing in the silence, soft light sneaks through the windows. Feels like peace, just for a second— Until that smile.

Not mine, but there, right in the mirror, lingering for too long, almost unnatural, curving in a way my lips never could done. My chest tightens—I laugh, nervously. It's nothing, I tell myself. Just my imagination, right?

But as I turn away, something pulls at the back of my mind, whispering—or maybe just a silence too loud, like waiting for a scream that never comes.

I glance back— And my reflection, staring hard. It blinks when I don't. Cold hands, shaky breath, I reach for the glass—it doesn't feel right, doesn't feel like glass.

"Is that me?" I whisper, leaning closer— And then, just like that, I wake up.

Was it a dream? Feels real, though. I sit again, breathing in the silence, light sneaking softly through my windows. Feels like peace.

everything’s complicated
everything’s a struggle
have you noticed?
it’s a psychological horror
is this feeling the ‘adult disillusionment’ I keep hearing about?

I mean, things work, if you sit on them like an egg—
if your mother things along and helicopter a result.
I mean, what do people do who don't have
my resources and sunny disposition?

I get America’s increasing paranoia but I think that it's *** backwards. Even if someone's were out to ‘get’ you, no one actually cares about doing their job anymore. There's just so little competence around, that the dysfunction feels intentional. And because you need something and you’re helpless, you can't help but feel targeted.

But I think I figured it out, so let me elucidate—they aren't giving YOU bad service, it isn't personal—everyone is getting bad service, two pieces of chicken in the box when you ordered three, five day delivery when you’re clearly paying for two, failure’s become routine—endemic.

My go-to phrase has become, “What’ll it cost?” (the answer, usually: twice as much) “Make it so,” I say, swiping something with my Apple Watch, and suddenly, everything works!
.
.
A song for this:
decide to be happy by MisterWives

-the walls are mumbling again.
the syllables are different
but the words are always the same.

wondering, pliant fools
the ceiling tries to sleep
but it's all no use.

find me a rhythm.
find me real soon.

salvage the pieces
of my home-brewed
gloom, in my ears
haunting the depths of the halls.
forever a ghost,
an echo, a murmur in a scrawl.-

Tell me, what it's like finding love – one as easy as finding your
place in the world. “No wait… that’s a terrible analogy.”

Okay tell me, is there such an easy love to find, like attending
an event that came with an open invite? I quietly watch everyone
dancing in the crowd of love. Right now, I don’t know much
about the steps; could we may-be slow dance? “Uhm… I mean
take it slow!”

Sorry, that came out so wrong – and we know for my week heart;
that’s a bit too strong. “Oh snap, I spelt weak wrong.” Maybe its
because the last time I saw you in person, it was a week ago.
“****, it feels that long!”

Anyways, the words in my mouth, clears my throat; though the
sickness still sticks… love? Could we be like two love birds;
just because of this flu. “Okay, that’s a corny bar!”  
“Are your hands sweaty – no?”

It’s a family thing; having sweaty palms. But I promise you,
I’m not secretly falling in love. “We’re friends right?”
  
                                  the many thoughts that plague his nights.