I sit with clammy hands gripping on my jeans
with my head facing my wooden desk
trying not to make any eye contact with the teacher
But in my chest, a severe panic stands before me randomly
soon there was a sudden watchful feeling inside me circling
multiple eyeballs were glancing at every inch of me
I watch their eyes with terror knowing they aren’t actually there
as I try to keep my composure down with deep breaths
my leg starts to shake uncontrollably
making some of my classmates notice with awe
they whisper to one another and when the teacher calls on them
they go back to doing their schoolwork
“Do they see through my disguise?”

suddenly the teacher calls my name
wanting to know if I’m alright since I seem off
I smile and tell him I’m alright , but inside I know that wasn’t true
I look at the window next to my desk
the feeling of sonder runs through my head swiftly
from every car and truck going to different directions
to the birds eating random scraps on the sidewalks
The world feels strange when you think about every little detail
and yet I can't find peace no matter how much I try to look at it in a different view perspective
I began to hear the same whispers rising again
“Are they talking about me still?”
I secure my disguise back on quickly

Every time skip, every sneeze with “bless you” , my mind’s a blur
Hiding the overflowing storm that wasn’t done with me
unsure of when it’s safe to be at ease.
I make it through my last class and began to pack my bags
But in my head, I’m not at rest.

If you’re feeling sinister
Have your mom call the minister
Nail you to your splintered cross
Let him purify your thoughts
Regurgitate old bible verses
To further rid you of your curses
Leave your woes and your coven
Take your head out of the oven
Swear, kick, bite, and scream
Just like Linda on the screen
Put down your crucifix
Get off your cross of sticks
There are pills they can administer
If you’re feeling sinister
Florescent coats, fluorescent lighting
Padded walls to stop the fighting
You’re words and tasks become repetitive
You needed a stimulant, they gave you a sedative
Tell them the truth, they’ll correct it
You won't get better looking for an exit
So turn off the TV.
You with your poison-filled i.v.
Swap your identity
For some medical remedy
Don’t you know they’ll take you out of school
If you’re feeling a little cruel?
Keep your head down in the halls
Ignore the writing on the walls
Don’t listen to the slamming doors
They can’t live here anymore
No, the room hasn’t gotten colder
You’re just simply growing older
Ignore your phantom visitors
If you’re feeling sinister

Lonely and craving the feel of touch,
The electricity from skin to skin,
The magnetic pull from eye contact,
The I love yous and I miss yous.

But it's a craving best left unfed
To be touched is to be vulnerable and the electricity shocks my brain, the I love yous and I miss yous make me feel insane,
To look at me too long is to pick apart my flaws, and at the end of the day I'm better alone after all.