Maybe it was the way I told you.
I rolled my sexuality off the tongue
like sweet milk and honey.
Saying it so casually
I might as well have hands stuck
between pockets of worn in grey sweatpants
complimented with a deep v that goes
down to my belly button.
I said it like the spoken version
of a sticky note
written with my best chicken scratch.
I guess I didn't say it with any more girth
because I felt like I didn't have to.
The picture in my head was
like a short silent film from the 1920's
that only needed two cards
to show what we were saying.
The first saying "I'm not straight",
the second saying "Okay."
Okay as in that's totally normal.
Okay as in I'm happy you've found yourself
Okay as in I'm glad you're comfortable with your sexuality.
Okay as in not a celebration or a witch hunt.
I was not expecting what came after.
Telling me that I was just trying to fit in.
That I didn't know myself well enough.
That I'm a liar.
That I can't be attracted to every gender.
That I'm selfish.
That I had to wait for the "right man".
Comments pouring onto me like a cold shower
entering old wounds
that stung with every syllable
and you got mad when I wanted to get out of the bath
Of course I would get upset
with words trying to make me
disregard the day when I found myself
after long nights
of locking myself under bed sheets
feeling confused and not knowing
how to answer questions I'd ask myself in the mirror.
In someways I don't blame you.
You didn't hear the past in my voice.
You didn't hear the storm
only the calm winds.

But it still hurt,
because these bitter words
flowed from the people
who were supposed to love and support me the most.

The sun has set
So has my soul

In a land faraway,
Filled with nightmares and tear streaks

It lays in the bottom of a pit,
Abandoned

I once tried to retrieve it,
Now I have scars on my arms and hips

Once a friend sought after it,
Only to get lost in the darkness and never return

But then once a girl got it
She was the girl with the wolf eyes

She climbed into the pit, my hand in hers,
Slowly she picked it up
And pulled us both out

She cradled it in her arms
And nursed it back to health, just as I had hers

We lived happily souls together,
Patching each others as we went along

Then one night she decided to take my soul and throw it back,
Slicing, tearing, ripping bruising,
Back into the deep dark pit

She simply disappeared into the night,
Never to be heard from again

I can't help but wonder what happend to her and her soul

Gray
Black
Depression strikes

Black
Blue
Nursing my wounds

Blue
Yellow
Pink
A flag of support

Pink
Purple
Colors of my past

Purple
Blue
A transition in progress

Blue
Black
The pain won't leave

Black
Gray
A blanket of sadness

Gray
A muddled state of being

Everything swirled together
Everything separate
Everything me

My girlfriend is a brunette.

Still feels weird calling her that.
Or him - sometimes she's a he and
that's fine.
She's not a gender to me.
She's a person.
She's my person.

But as I've said before,
carving it out with black on white;
I'm broken inside. I'm broken inside and
I don't know how to
feel.
Am I scared or am I
emotionless?
What is that sinking ache in my stomach?
Would my mom look at me
differently,
blow it out of proportion,
if she knew?

If she knew
I loved the girl next door when I was eight.
If she knew
I drew a picture of our wedding and hid it
because even when I was a kid
I felt like a disgusting disappointment.
If she knew
I kissed a girl in my class when I was in the fourth grade.
If she knew
I've been this person all this time.
I'm not different. I am the same. The same person I was three months ago. Before I had figured this out. Before I had figured me out.

My girlfriend is a brunette
and her sweet-tasting love is
all I've got
spinning around in my head
right now.
It's all I can think about. It's all, it's all I can think about.

She dances through my mind
Every thought
Every hope
Every glimmer

She is there
Dancing in my mind
An angel if perfection
Though she sees herself as a demon

That may be true,
But aren't they too,
Just fallen angels

Every thought
Every hope
Every glimmer
She is there,
There in my mind

I speak to her
Here in my mind,
Soft lullabies
And loving stories
To the girl who saved my life

Dancing through my mind,
In all her glorious perfection
All the time.
But I don't mind
When she dances through my mind.

A girl lost her father to cancer
at eighteen.
Tell me what that means,
what that was good for.
Because she lost herself too that day and
she's not back yet.
She pleaded; dear sickness,
let him see me grow up first.
They got two weeks.
It's been one year,
seven months,
thirteen days,
eight hours.
So tell me who you are to say
she's not still broken.
When her mother was abused
and her boyfriend had a child
with someone new.
Tell me how she
should have seen it coming.
When she was interrogated about her
sexuality, and
in the papers they spoke of hellfire as
a cure for natural desire.
When her female friend
made fun of her weight
and she hit herself for believing it.
When her male friends
violated her at parties
even though she said
no.
Tell me how she
should have spoken up.
Tell me how she
should have been sober.
Limbs itching, nails scratching
until imagined flaws become real scars.
When she eventually confused
closeness,
***,
with love - her comfort in being
alone
dragged good people down with her.
Tell me how she was to blaim.

Every time it is the same
Listening to the sound of her answering machine
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR MESSAGE FOR-
And then the moment of bliss-
Kaylie White
Her voice, just two little words
But they are all I get
I long for her day in and day out

Nothing ever changes
Unanswered messages on social media
I see she is active, responding to others, but I am left in the dark
Wondering what the hell went wrong

A sad normality
Unanswered texts
Pilling up on one another

I'm so lonely and lost without her

I sit on the bench
Staring into nothingness
The music, all the way up
Others call it noise
I call it love
There is no more
But the memories
Laying on the floor laughing
Horror images dance across the screen
Secret kisses in the bedroom floor
Nothing tops the beauty of her smile
Her laugh is rare
But oh so wonderful
Chiming bells
Torn back to reality as the school fills
I sigh as her image fades from my mind once more

It won't ever end
Will it?
Pain is me
Not anything else
Just pain
It doesn't end
Pain of failure
Of not being good enough
Pain of loosing
Loosing everything
It comes out in red
That is the pain I like
It is a bright spot in the black
Pain of love
Of never seeing her again
Nothing ends
A downward spiral
Drowning
Chocking
Remembering
Remembering when she was mine
Everything is pain
Words that cut deeper into my skin than I ever could
Pain of listening to skinny puppy
Pain of living
Will death be pain as well?