A pump. A thump. A beat.  
My blood, pumping in my ears.
A blur. A shake. A vibration.
My eyes, trying to focus.
A breath. A woosh. A whistle.
My lungs grasping for air.
Pounding. Tapping. Throbbing.
In the center of my head.
Ah-one. Ah-two. Ah-three.
Focus on these numbers.
Numbness. Itching. Crawling.
The feeling of my skin.
I take a step, Calm my mind.
One more breath, One more time.

I feel like the walls are closing in around me and I can't stop it, I stay still and deathly silent in my strange fit. There isn't anything I can do to stop this attack, all I can do is close my eyes and wish to be back. Put in your music and try to regulate your breath, silently though all you can do is wish for death. You try to speak but your mouth won't move no matter how hard you try. Soon you let the tears fall and you sit there and cry. Tell yourself it's ok all you want, but you can't speak not even a grunt.
Breathing is calm now, but still you can't get your head out of a bow. You've stopped shaking but still feel as if your body is quaking. You feel as if you are going insane and everything feels like a breaking aching pain. Stomach is in knots, I wanna throw up but I can't. It's just me, myself, and my thoughts. I can't speak and I can barely think, I swear I need to see a shrink.
My stomach stops churning but now my head feels like its burning. There isn't anything I can do about it. Just wait and calm down from my fit. A few more minutes go by and my mind starts to clear, all the attack was was my fear. I still want to be left on my own, but now at least I'm able to pick up the phone. Ill be ok, at least for another day. That is my panic attack.

I'm feeling stuck
Lost in this moment
What moment?
I don't even know where I am
This life is a mess
I don't want to move
I don't want to do anything
I'm tired
I'm sad
I feel like nothing
Where is my motivation?

Turns out it's anger
The rage setting fire to my veins
Is just enough to ignite the rest of me
Until I can release everything
Lost in this spiraling rage
Until I burn out again
And once more
I feel like nothing

The clock reads 4:30.
My friend is using the bathroom.
That must've been what woke me up.

Although I wish,
I know that is not true.

That frozen feeling in my chest
Resounds with my heartbeat,
Thumping faster and faster as I close my eyes.

My fitbit reads 75 bpm,
I know that can't be true,
It's going faster,
So much faster.

I try to sleep,
But images fill my head.
Dreams, or my own thoughts,
I can no longer tell.

I can't discern them,
All I know is that I am scared,
And right as I touch sleep,
I am jolted awake,
By an erratic heart,
And threatening images.

There is no screaming,
                     thrashing,
I am not awake enough to escape,
But not asleep enough to give in.

It is an all night war with my terror,
I'm not paralyzed,
I can move around,
But it follows.
It always follows.