Everyone may see me and think I'm fine  
But in reality I'm not
What is fine?
All I feel is numb inside
I hide behind a fake smile to hide how I feel
People think I'm doing just fine
But behind my fake smile
I am far from fine
I feel lost in my mind
Searching for answers
But get none
Why can't I be fine
Why am I never going to be fine

I can feel myself tucked inside.
I want to come out and feel,
deeply,
but I am trapped in my chest.
With each breath I remember
the hollowness where
a swell of feelings
once perched,
like a sweet bird
singing to me constantly.
I miss the warmth of its weight within me;
I turn up my music to draw it back out;
I am afraid it’s been lost to monotony.

But if I close my eyes
and breathe slowly,
deeply,
I can almost feel my diaphragm brush the edges
of that same cluster of emotions
that once lived close to my heart

If I sit to still I become numb
but if I move, I fall

Im stuck in a liminal space
an eternal liminal space

I dont know what comes next
Or if even there is a next

Its as though I'm in a waiting room doctor
A waiting room where the doctor will never shop up

i feel as if every ***** in my body is shutting down.
it’s hard to function, hard to cope.
just found out you passed and i cried every tear i had in me.
now i just feel numb, empty,
raw, completely beyond
keyword; depression.
wish i could hug you before you passed
i guess i will see you next time, in the next life.
for now i will just stay numb.

you look in the mirror
and are weary
of the person you have become
knowing that they too, are weary of her
that they too, wish for the you of the past
because the you of the future
is nothing but hollowness
a graveyard of joy
a tomb of hope
a resting place for the light that will not return
you bid it goodbye
and it was happy to leave

Esther L. Krenzin

The past is a rundown motel that hasn’t had any visitors in a while but yet you try and stay.
You know the walls are molding and the ceiling has long since caved in but here you are
Residing in a bed with the springs pricking all over your body,
Numbing you to reality.
You cling on to when the room smelled of fresh paint and it wasn’t so dark.
In fact, you can even almost see the sun peeking through the window as if it was yesterday.
But yesterday,
Was many years ago.
The rust,
The damp air,
The rot,
It takes over Yesterday.
Overgrown weeds and musk cover the floor,
Yet,
You still walk barefoot as if it was the carpet that was once there.
You checked in to this marvelous moment not even thinking it could turn into a place.
A place that you began to frequently visit even if the people that lived with you there have no longer occupied the space since,
Well,
Yesterday, it seems.
You sink lower into those springs,
Unaware of your broken bones and puncture wounds because you decided to live in that moment,
Instead of walking out the door at the first sign of flickering lights.
When you knew,
Deep down,
Staying wasn’t an option,
But revisiting became a habit.
Only if it was Yesterday.

All of my eyes see different;
For if my own vision unkown
A pile of orange isn't seen-
For green grass isn't green
And grey clothes I see, if white;
Drapes and grapes are blue to see

To step I do in wet soil, to knees I see
Earth for sure is there yet underneath
For deeper sensing be it, for dry winds spin
Sirrocos didn't exite for enough hot I feel
And the moon lay down for sun is gloom
Needles grow, and the feeding is done by me

And mourn, remorse, regret yet numb
For I acknowledge not, nor I do feel
For a pile of orange isn't seen-
And the grass onto I caress isn't green;
Cause if not if I see, yet dark is seen
For skin is nothing, my blue and my dream.

How do you feel?
At first
It was as if I had no control
Completely vulnerable
But for some reason I had no worry about that thought

My voice going in and out
Laughs slipping on dry ice
Some obnoxious
Some lay there waiting for a pick me up

Unable to focus on one thought
They come in and out
As if my brain was central station

Forever moving
Five minutes feel as though it's been an hour

Numb is the only sense coming to mind
Forgetting how to swallow
A sense of panic rises
With a blink that thought is gone

The laughs intruding
Unable to contain the air protruding out
My whole body numb

The feeling of pins and needles under my eyes
Growing heavy

Attempting to think straight
Unable to stress over anything
Everything that comes up
Gone after a blink

Being numb to pain
Unable to stress about anything
Was a dream
I never thought I could self induce

Staring
Hands jittering
A real smile plastered on my face
The laughs never seem to fade

Imagine living like this everyday
Forgetting every thought
Stresses melt away
Pain can’t even break the numbness that arose

Everything seemed to trigger a laugh
Any type of touched causing a flinch

Feeling this vulnerable was a mess
Unable to control any nerve
Arms involuntarily moving

I never thought being numb would feel so nice
Everything melted
Just call me the wicked witch of the east
Throw water on me
And watch me melt away with a smile

Throwing the thoughts away
Until the numbness slips away

Yearning for more after it completed
Never wanting to feel again
Welcoming the numbness
I already miss it.