I lie and say I'm fine
But that's just a line
I make up reasons why I'm not alright
I wish I was ok tell me what does it feel to be ok
Tell me what does it feel to be happy
To really smile because all I know is fake smiles
Dead is all I feel if dead is a feeling
I have no feelings I've turned heartless at times
Tell me what's it like not feeling numb
Tell me what's it like to be normal
Tell me what's it like to control your own mind
Tell me what's it's like to fall asleep at peace

Decay, degenerate
Rot in hell from all this hate
Lessen, languish, lower, regress
Back to when I was a mess
Sink, slide, undermine
I don’t think I was ever fine
Fade, fail, fall apart
I wasn’t “okay” from the start.

There I go again.
I was just doing fine.
Everything was fine.
But then it hit me.
I'm not fine.

When I look in the mirror in the morning,
I feel fine.
I brush my hair.
I am fine.
I brush my teeth,
And I am fine.

Then I notice how my teeth aren’t as white as they could be.
But I'm still fine.

Then I put on my clothes and I notice how I spill over the sides.
But I am fine.
Then I notice how my hips jut out
And my jeans are never long enough in the ankles.

Then I spend ten minutes thinking of changing my jeans,
Because this shirt is too tight
But I opt for a hoodie instead.
Then I am lost in the hoodie.
I feel like a blob of fabric.
And then just a blob.

I get in my car and look in the mirror to adjust
And notice how dark under my eyes are.
When I’m pretty sure they weren’t that dark earlier.

As I drive to school, I notice my hands on the steering wheel
And ponder how they can be both fat and scraggly at the same time.

I get to school and notice people staring at me at the red lights
While I begin to cross the road.

I pass windows and with each one,
I notice my thighs grow larger with each step.
I notice how wide I am when I pass other girls
Then I think about my ankles and I swear I can feel them swell.

By the time it is twelve o’clock,
I have convinced myself that I am a
Bulging,
Suffocating,
Beast
Who tramples everyone in the room.
And the Earth is suddenly too small for someone as big as I am.

I’m not entirely sure on how to start,
Other than I have depression,
I feel like I’m falling apart...
This isn’t exactly how I wanted it to be,
But we don’t always get want we want,
I’m just trying to let you know, let you see.
I’m always shrugging my shoulders,
I can’t seem to really get used to it?
But I’m not getting any bolder.
It’s like drowning,
Chained to a rock, i’m Sinking.
I can’t stop, i’m Always thinking.
Crying out of nowhere is fun as well,
It makes me wanna give up my soul,
Literally feels like I’m living in hell.
I don’t ever really talk about it,
No one really... cares?
I don’t know how anyone feels about it...
I just sorta... sit in this silence.
Waiting for this weight to go away.
I don’t like it down here,
I don’t wanna stay.
But I gotta, because i’m Chained.
My mind is insane, constantly strained.
I just wanna go back into your arms,
Where I feel at home.
That way... I can feel some sort of comfort.
I know this is probably not the best poem to explain how I feel,
But it’s the best I could do, I finally broke the seal...

“I’m Okay!”
Is just my favorite Lie,
It helps to hide
And
Pretend that
I’m perfectly Fine.

Her hand rests above her heart
Grasping for something that ain't there
But in her mind, she remembers that cross her father gave her
She does that whenever the weight of the world drapes over her shoulders
And when that dark cloud pitter patters rain onto her head
Inhaling the troubles that will come
And exhaling once her tears have dried
Her face as blank as a canvas before the artist splashes the paint
Yet through the windows to her soul, you see how hard life is beating on her
Breaking her spirit
But of course, she simply decorates her face with a smile that never quite reaches her eyes

And says, "I'm fine."

"You're awfully quiet lately. Are you okay?"

I'm okay.
Sometimes I think I might be dying.

I'm just tired.
I cry myself to sleep every night in the dark.

I'll feel better after I get some sleep.
It feels like my heart has shattered into a million pieces.

I'm fine, I promise.
I'm not fine. Please help me.