My heartbeat trips over its own feet,
Running as if towards the greatest surprise
And simultaneously from the end of the world.

"It's just a thought."
"It's just an image."
But still I make the demanded pilgrimage.
A triple lock.
A double check,
Compulsive look under the bed.
Oh, how strange!
Silly me!
Yet, I go.
I must repeat.
Therapist says I have OCD.

Eyes with no soul,
The body that took a toll.
Tears that carry the cries,
Evidence of her demise.
Arms that aren't clean,
Covered in open seams.
Legs like waterfalls,
Blood from the endless war.
Hands with scabs that tell,
All the scars a cry for help.

I wake up everyday and take pills and pills and pills
the insanity will go- I was promised
I don't think she has

I am tired today. I am tired everyday
The sense of awakening is lost
I can feel it in my aching bones
Pentetrating darkness

I am a stranger in my body
I cannot remember who I was
I can no longer smile
I don't go outside
I am always alone

I drink my coffee and meanwhile I can't help but keep
killing myself over and over and over
I love the feeling of fatality that fills my lungs

I am lost everywhere I go and I am shrinking quickly
I am missing out on everywhere and I am declining fast
Every day is one day closer to the darkness
(Shall I go to bed?)
And there are times when I can't look away from it

I don't feel anything anymore
How long can I dangle down here on a string?
Saying goodbye to broken promises
The madness is dying
But it is all wrapped up in me

Even the snowfall meant nothing this year

All alone and pondering
About whether ghosts are real

-Jesse Haydn

I must confess, the position I was in was meant for no woman,
but I allowed a man, a demon, take control of me.
I never knew a man could hate so many, many women,
I never thought I would let a man take control of me.
A man of uncertainty —his true colors have always been wooded.
I was blind to the truth and I allowed his strings take control of me
No one believed that the devil was in him, no one saw how he was inhuman,
but I saw him for how he was. He started to lose control of me.
His anger rose like a steam engine, “**** you, woman!”
My own fight to take control only tightened his urge to take control of me.
You see? He was less than a man, the devil disguised as a churchman,
who prayed to evil to do anything he could to take control of me.
However… he could never break this superwoman,
he is dead in this life and he no longer has strings to take control of me.

I've reached a fork in the road and its time to decide. There's no clear path. My way is blinded by a light.

The decisions I make, I must stand by and at the side. Strong and tall in the fact that I chose the way with my inner guide.

Is this the ending you had in your mind? When the fork came and forced you to decide.

Was the fork created in your thought riddled mind? Was the journey one on which you could abide?

Or could you have stayed in the grey and stood aside?

The decisions you must make are they on your path or in your mind?

That is the true dilemma on which you must decide.

I'm drowning.
The waves crash around me
And the storm rages,
The rabid sea pulls me under,
Foaming in its fury.
.
And in the darkness, I cling to a lone rock,
A coral reef? A whisper of an island?
I'm deaf to whispers of comfort -
The wind and waves howl and crash,
Outside of me, and in.
.
Diamonds are also rocks.
This could be one, but I'm blind to see.
The night is black and the current strong,
I gasp for breath and clench my fingers,
Cutting myself, but I can't let go.
It's all that keeps me afloat,
This bit of stone, a lone companion.
.
I'm still drowning.
The feel of a small salvation,
The solice of solidity
Under my fingers,
Isn't actually a rescue.
The waves are merciless;
I breath in salt,
Gasp, and cough and heave,
And my rock can't stop that.
There's no defeating the storm.
.
It crumbles under my fingers,
Weathered by the ocean,
As am I.
The deep dark blue
Whips against us both,
But is it not my hands that break it faster?
.
I'm beyond saving,
Yet I cling, selfishly, taking it with me as I sink.
For the small comfort,
The solice of solidity under my fingers.
As I cough, and heave, and gasp,
Losing sensation in my limbs.
.
It's too much effort, holding on,
And I am tired, faded, worn.
Cold, and numb,
I feel the thrum through me now:
I'm one with the sea.
As I let go, and silence covers me,
Like a blanket against the water,
Lulling me, slowly,
To the deep dark blue embrace.
.
There’s peace in giving up,
Relinquishing the fight.
The ocean hums now,
So far beneath the surface,
It's quiet here, away from thoughts.
.

I dream so vividly
That reality forgets where its edges lay
And the physical sensation
Lingers on my skin.