Pain within my every word
Mental instability
Never very kind or patient
Definitely not conducive to tranquility

Oh to be free all I long for
World exterminated of hate
Something I've dreamt about often
Life has refused to cooperate

Relaxation an overstayed houseguest
Won't take my subtle hints to leave
Some think I enjoy lazy demeanor
Desperately wish goals I could acheive

I'm not worthless degenerate
Just process events differently than most
A am a lost soul fighting depression
Inside haunted by a nameless ghost

With zero way to discover a road to bliss
Words I scribble my comfort when dark
Everything is a fleeting experience
Perception altered by every harmful remark

Is swallowing truth so hard
That it sticks in back of my throat?
If it is I'll forcefully choke it down
Weight why it's difficult to float

How do I make you see me?  

How do I step out
From behind the one-way mirror?
You hear me,
But you talk only to yourself through me.

How do I make you see me -
Not my clothes, or hair, or *******.
Not my body, sitting across from you,
Empty.

Drained by the endless hours of offering my elixir,
Hoping that when it is my turn to drink,
You will see my thirst...

Only you don’t.

You can’t.

Because no matter how much
You gulp down -
You are never satiated.

Your vessel is riddled with holes,
Leaking -
With each slurp you take from me.

How do I make you see me...
Crawling after you,
Gasping -
Yearning for us both to bathe in the elixir -
To soak it in,
Together.

The loudest
Of sounds
Are quite often
Not the most deafening.

The scream of a firework
Scratching your eardrums
The clack of a gunshot
Piercing your eardrums
The crash symbol at a rock concert
Tearing your eardrums
Loudest?
Maybe.
Deafening?
Not quite.

The echos
Staining the walls
After a three hour phone call
Deafening your ear drums
The mere rumble
From the car engine
After dropping each friend
At their front door
One by one
Until it is just you and your engine
Deafening your ear drums
To the point that the radio
Can no longer be heard

Solitude,
Rarely the loudest.
Most deafening?
Certainly.

On to the next
Before I have finished the first
Forgetting who?
Forgetting me?
A hunger or thirst
To finish third, second or first
A race against time
With the zone of my mind
Like ironing shirts
And each crease gets worse
Finding time for each urge
Defining what hurts.

Asking, how should I think?
Hurting who?
Hurting me?
A marathon and sprint
If I am only racing myself, how would I win?
A superpower and curse
You can never comes first
Though, you can never come last
Only move from your past
Tie your laces so fast
That the shadow you cast
Is the only version you craft
Casting who?
Crafting me?
In all that I see,
It will not alienate me
Finding my path
With ADHD.

In some way, no matter how bad things got or how low I’d get
For some reason it felt like I hadn’t hit rock bottom yet
My premonition told me there was one more bullet to take
So I bit it, jumped in the flame and put it all at stake

But I paid dearly, nearly lost my sanity dealing with it
I looked for signs and some other guidelines to help me get through
While I was fighting depression writing made an impression
Like deep cuts spilling my guts on paper gave me a new view

I liked letting the ink bleed from my pen again and again
Shining a bright light on the deepest recesses of my mind
I mined for wisdom and truth no matter how tough, rough or smooth
And the poetry offered reflection, insightful and kind

The freedoms in expression became my therapy sessions
Throwing up rhymes in dark times opened more opportunities
So I put ire fire in verses versus the spells and curses
Fully immersed in a world of endless possibilities

when i wake
i battle with thoughts that
cloud my eyes
dewy from tears
i am utterly and totally
drenched in sadness

when i rise
i do what i can to
make a cup of coffee
let the dogs out
brush my teeth
and go to work

(clockwork)

life cycles through waves
of feeling this way and that
never quite being able to grasp
on to a specific emotion
to describe how i am feeling
like how i can wake this way
and lay my head down to sleep
feeling something close to hopeful
ready to rise again
and the thoughts no longer exist in the morning

i find myself very odd
but people don't get to hear
this side of me
mostly because they don't ask
but i don't mind

(clockwork)

i have seen terrible days
i have seen days filled with miracles
i have seen days that are bleaker than bland
but i would prefer to have the days of
feeling something than nothing at all
so i push forward
take my medication
go to my therapist
and go to church

sometimes i wonder if God knows
the inner workings of my thoughts
as well as the Devil
a baptism could never submerge
my thoughts
yet i sing on praising Him

what i do know
is whether i am up
or i am down
i am here

(clockwork)